My top five singles this year: Selena Gomez’s Bluest Flame, Lady Gaga’s How Bad Do U Want Me, Audrey Hobert’s Sue Me, Rosé’s Toxic Till the End, Morgan Wallen’s One Thing At a Time. Not a thing released before 2023!

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My top five albums of the year: Bad Bunny’s Debi Tirar Mas Fotos, Lady Gaga’s Mayhem, Playboi Carti’s Music, Rusowsky’s Daisy, Rosalia’s Lux. What 73-year-old is out here headbanging to Playboi Carti’s Like Weezy? Does this sound like the listening habits of an old man to you? I demand a recount.

Thankfully, I’m not the only person confounded by their Spotify age. A colleague who mainly listens to archived BBC radio dramas somehow had a Spotify age of 26. Another who only listens to Anthem from Chess: The Musical on repeat, had a Spotify age of 25. Of course, they’re ecstatic about this. It’s like when a stranger asks if your mum is your sister. “It’s so accurate!” they say.

But online, the outrage is palpable. “How is my listening age 79 when my top artists are Taylor Swift, Sabrina Carpenter and Gracie Abrams?” one commenter on X noted. “If your Spotify Wrapped listening age is anything less than 40, you have ZERO taste in music,” another wrote defensively.

Even Spotify got in on the drama. “Are you unc? Show us your listening age,” they wrote on X, pouring gasoline on the fire. I’m unc? No, you’re unc, Spotify. You know who’s not unc? Apple Music. Maybe Tidal, even. You really wanna do this, Spotify?

According to their metrics, Spotify thinks I was born in 1952 and did most of my formative listening between 1968 to 1973. This is what tech people call a “logic error”.

Sure, I might go through a Nico phase every couple of months; I might listen to Redbone’s Come and Get Your Love every time I’m cooking pasta; I might put on Nick Drake every time it rains. But, as the evidence clearly shows, I’m mainly listening to new things. My Spotify age should be 16, easily.

As usual, Spotify is a big ol’ dummy. And this is why the robots will never win.

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