Remember the first Test of this series, eight or nine weeks ago now? Vaguely? Yeah, me too.

The long gap between matches allowed for loads of nonsense – most notably Pat Cummins not being named in the squad for the second Test, before whispers suddenly went around in the 48 hours beforehand that he might, indeed, make a surprise appearance, WWE style:

“Oh my god, that’s Pat Cummins’ music!” (‘Perfect’ by Fairground Attraction)

In the end, Cummins didn’t play. Not that it mattered.

Here’s the report card for the second Ashes Test.

Wicketkee-Pairs

Grade: B+

Also not playing for Australia was Nathan Lyon, replaced in the team by Michael Neser, setting up a classic ‘Three Lions’ v ‘no Lyons’ contest. 

A pink-balled Mitchell Starc – the lone survivor of the Big Four – was given a cricket ball with which to bowl the first over, and curiously allowed Zak Crawley to score a run. He swiftly regained his mojo, however, taking his traditional opening over wicket, when he snared Ben ‘Golden’ Duckett first ball.

Starc then bowled Ollie Pope in his next over to have England 2/5. 

After that, England got improbably away. But only briefly. Australia continued to take wickets, through a dazzling display of dual wicketkeeping brilliance from Alex Carey and Josh Inglis.

Or, as I like to call them, the wicketkee-pair.

Inglis inflicted a sharp run out to find Ben Stokes short of his ground. Not to be outdone, when Gus Atkinson skied a delivery from Starc over the slips cordon, Carey gave frantic chase, getting close enough to the plummeting ball to dive for it, only for Marnus Labuschagne, who’d also been chasing it, to collide with him.

Somehow, improbably, Carey emerged, ball in gloves, with Labuschagne wrapped around him in a delighted cuddle. 

Frankly, more cricketers need to take catches simultaneously with Marnus crash-tackling them.

Dire Bowling

Grade: D

The clatter of England wickets briefly opened the possibility of Root being stranded on 99 not out, with the rest of the team bowled out.

We were, however, denied this delicious dark comic moment, with Root instead finding his way to a memorable first century on Australian soil scant seconds before the tail really got serious about throwing their wickets away. So that’s something we thankfully never have to talk about again. (The ‘Root not having a century’ bit, not ‘the England tail throwing their wickets away’ bit.)

Defending their 334 all out total, England wicketkeeper Jamie Smith then dropped Travis Head when he was just three. This, in turn, inspired a spate of dire bowling that continued all the way through to the second evening, with everybody from Jake Weatherald to Marnus Labuschagne to Cameron Green rollicking along at more than five runs an over.

Y’know, I’m old enough to remember when this bowling attack was the most fearsome group England had ever brought to Australia.

Piracy

Grade: D+

Such was the ease of scoring that for some time it opened up the prospect of Head having the lowest strike rate in the scorecard.

A delicious, comical idea, like daydreaming about eating a honey-glazed clown. And one, inevitably, ruined by Steve Smith, who arrived at the crease sporting black eye patches under his eyes to help alleviate the lights.

I’d have been more impressed if Smith had instead worn a single black patch over one eye like a pirate. Also sporting a peg leg, and shouldering a parrot that chattered out nonsense like it was Marnus or something. Problem-solve your way out of that, buddy.

Yet, despite the absence of such swashbuckling handicaps, Smith was eventually dismissed with a strike rate five runs per hundred balls slower than Head.

I have never been more furious with the man. This includes the sandpaper thing. 

Nevertheless, England’s day ended as it began, with Neser and Carey surviving simple drops as they clattered their way to an unbeaten 49-run partnership, giving Australia victory by 44 runs.

Hmmm? What’s that? There was a third day to this Test? Huh. Well, okay. Let’s keep going then.

Double Figures

Grade: C

England started well on the third day of the Test, perhaps enthused by the novelty of playing in one, removing Neser and Carey.

But this just brought Starc and Scott Boland together, and the two Australian fast bowlers took one look at the prospect of bowling in the Brisbane heat and humidity and said, with a clear and emphatic voice: ‘No, thank you.’

Instead, the duo sensibly batted time, guiding Australia to a total of 511 and an innings in which every single batter had made it into double figures.

More importantly, not one of them had sullied the neatness of the scorecard by going on to triple figures. Superb stuff. Proper innings. Australia really putting the ‘bat’ into ‘Gabbatoir’.

After the break, under lights, Boland went Full Alanis Morissette™, bowling a series of jagging little pills. One of them eventually went under Duckett’s bat to bowl him, which some might call ironic.

But it was Neser who innovated best, somehow reimagining himself as a caught and bowled specialist, removing Pope and Crawley in that fashion to have England 3/97. 

Root, Harry Brook and Smith were then all caught behind. And all with a dose of delicious DRS nonsense attached. Root not out, then DRSed out. Brook given out, then DRSed not out before given not out the very next ball and then DRSed out.

And, finally, Smith given out, and seemingly willing to go, only for Stokes to egg him on to reviewing it instead. Presumably on the basis that it’d be quite funny to burn a review on such an obvious edge.

Yes, they were now going to lose the Test, but that’s no reason not to have a few laughs along the way.

Competent Batting

Grade: D

Weirdly, Stokes and Will Jacks returned on the fourth day to bat through the entire first session, before a pair of genius catches off Neser from both Smith and Carey sorted them out.

Carey’s grab was the final blow, sending the England captain back to the dressing room, punching his own head in frustration and disappointment.

(To be fair, that’s much preferable to punching somebody else’s head in frustration and disappointment.)

The rest of the tail fell away, as England cleverly avoided facing the new ball under lights. Australia once again completely outmanoeuvred in the middle session.

The target of 65 for victory also ensured there would be no second innings century for Travis Head in this Test. England slowly but surely clawing their way back into the series.

Nevertheless, Australia got to the target with eight wickets to spare.

With England now 2-0 down after Tests, the simmering anger from their journalists and/or fans revealed to me a new favourite genre of England cricket pundit. Namely, the one that keeps repeating ‘this is not a strong Australian team’ in ever-increasing frustration. Great stuff.

Happily for those furious pundits, the Australian team will be much stronger as of the next Test. A great opportunity for the visitors to finally lose to a strong Australian team in this series.

Everything coming together for them too.