Complicated family dynamics don’t disappear just because it’s Christmas and festive classics are playing.
One minute you’re merrily drinking mulled wine, the next being asked why you’re not happily married or whether you are planning children.
Any resentments, tensions and difference in values will remain with the added pressure of fulfilling a fantasy image of happy families.
Passive aggressive comments often come from someone else’s stress and insecurity, says psychotherapist Sarah Turner. This doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but can make it feel less personal.
When we feel stung our instinct is to defend or withdraw, but Turner advises pausing first. “You have the power to choose how to respond.”
Another tip is to ask for clarification. Often loved ones will reframe what they said rather than repeat it – as they are likely to know it’s a loaded comment.
If there’s a “kernel of truth” in what they say, then acknowledging this can help “emotions de-escalate because they feel heard,” Turner adds.
This doesn’t mean you agree or give in – it’s simply letting that person know you understand where they’re coming from. In the heat of family dynamics, this can make all the difference.