Geoffrey Boycott was never really known for going on the attack as a player.
But the famously dour Yorkshire opening batsman — now 85 years old — has been on the offensive as England has laboured through this Ashes tour.
Writing that he “cannot take this stupid England team seriously anymore” after the Perth debacle, he made a fair point.
A man who prized keeping his wicket intact far above the necessity to score runs was as miffed as everyone by the cavalier way England’s modern batters threw theirs away.
But hammering them as “irresponsible, rubbish and too far up their backsides to care” after Brisbane’s battering perhaps should have hit closer to the mark.
Boycott, who toured Australia four times, winning two series and drawing the other two, said nobody appeared willing to tell the English players that they had been making mistakes.
In 38 Tests against Australia, Boycott averaged almost 48, with seven centuries, and a top score of 191.
He took particular aim at coach Brendon McCullum, saying that Bazball had failed and “hubris has taken over from common sense in this England team”.
But after England’s at-times battling performance in Adelaide, the penny may have finally dropped.
England’s cricketers have to cope with yet another series defeat in Australia. (Getty Images: Gareth Copley)
“I’m sure there will be plenty of questions asked and rightfully so,” McCullum told the BBC in Adelaide in a rare display of introspection.
“We haven’t got everything right. I haven’t got everything right as a coach, and I put my hand up for that.
“I have been very strong about the conviction we had and our preparation.
“It was a matter of trying to replicate what we have done in series, what has been successful for us away from home with our preparation.
“Maybe we didn’t get that right, and I’ll acknowledge that.
“Your job as a coach is to try to get performance on the field. I was confident we had it right, but obviously we didn’t.”
Obviously not.
England ‘underprepared’
Brendon McCullum held his hands up after the third Test. (Getty Images: Darrian Traynor)
England’s lack of match preparation was always going to be a hot topic of conversation, even if the stats suggested that it didn’t matter how many matches England played to warm up.
Yes, the bowling has been poor at times, the selection bewildering and the shot choices … well, we’ll get to that.
But just as galling to supporters will be the litany of dropped catches, suggesting a definite lack of time finessing those required skills.
While Alex Carey’s brilliance behind the stumps has lit up the last two Tests — and Marnus Labuschagne’s two miracle one-handed slip catches will live long in the memory — the tourists were made to pay dearly for their inability to grasp even basic chances.
Usman Khawaja was dropped on 5 in the first innings before going on to make 82, while Travis Head was put down on 99 in the second when he went on to score 170.
Those errors cost England 148 runs. They lost the Test by 82.
Usman Khawaja was given a life in his first innings and he made the most of it. (Getty Images: Gareth Copley)
Indeed, the general lack of match practice perhaps meant England only warmed to their task of playing on Australian pitches nine days into the tour. That is a problem when the Ashes had been lost by the 11th day.
“They underprepared,” former Australian coach Darren Lehmann said of England on ABC Sport’s coverage.
“I think they’re a very talented cricket side, but they just didn’t give themselves the best chance.
“Not to play at the WACA against Australia A, or on a faster track, and then to disregard Canberra before the second Test when they could have had pink ball preparation.
“I always think of the standard preparation is playing hard-nosed cricket — and making their players play before they came over in the County Championship.
“If they did that, they’d be ready a lot better than they were.”
Ben Stokes is yet to win a Test series in Australia. (Getty Images: PA Images/Robbie Stephenson)
Former Australia fast bowler Jason Gillespie agreed, saying the English “should have won” in Perth and that the team “underperformed because they underprepared”.
“They were underprepared because they were allowed to be underprepared,” ex-Australian paceman Stuart Clark added.
And perhaps most damning is that McCullum all but said the same thing.
“I thought today and the last couple of days have been much better. Amazing what you can achieve when you just play,” he told the BBC.
“I think the last couple of days is better for us, but we stand here 3-0 down.”‘Your decision-making can become a little blurred’
Jamie Smith’s contribution with the bat was supposed to make up for his lack of ability behind the stumps. (Getty Images: Gareth Copley)
England may have been better in Adelaide, but that means little now. The series has been lost, with two Tests remaining.
The tourists did battle hard in Adelaide on days four and five. They added 158 runs for the last four wickets in a forlorn attempt to chase down what would have been a record score of 435.
But even within that valiant effort, there was time for more idiocy. Jamie Smith’s absurd shot to get out to Mitchell Starc on 60 ended a 91-run partnership with Will Jacks that was going some way to justify the part-time pair’s inclusion in the side.
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“What are you doing?” Stuart Clark said, echoing the thoughts of so many England supporters.
They had been foolishly lulled into the intoxicating mix of hope and belief in the stands at Adelaide Oval or watching through the darkness of an English winter.
“That was a dreadful shot. You’ve just hit two fours, you’re batting like a champion, and you’ve tried to slog one off a length, hit it straight up in the air, then you walk off shaking your head. What were you expecting?” he said.
“The game is just in the balance. That is just poor cricket awareness.
“He doesn’t need to do it. He was doing it easily.”
The excellence of Jamie Smith’s innings was erased by the stupidity that saw him dismissed. (Getty Images: PA Images/Robbie Stephenson)
Omens aren’t good as England look to bounce back
It was a shot reflective of the chaos at Lord’s in 2023, when England lost 3-34 on the flattest of tracks in the half hour after Nathan Lyon tore his calf muscle.
England went on to lose that Test. But, crucially, they recovered to win two of the next three to salvage a 2-2 series draw.
With Lyon a doubt for the rest of the series after injuring his hamstring in the field on day five, could England mount something of a belated recovery this season too?
The portents are not kind.
Australia defeats words with actions in Ashes romp
As good as England had played in those dying moments of the game — when it was arguably lost — that one moment summed up the issues that have plagued their decision-making throughout the tour.
“When you’re put under immense pressure, your decision-making can become a little blurred at times, and you don’t know whether to stick or twist,” McCullum told UK broadcaster TNT Sport.
“That’s probably the disappointing aspect because I did think we were rock hard in our belief of the style we were going to play when we were down here, knowing we were going to be challenged.
“But I do think we got a little bit stuck.
“Again, I’ll put my hand up as coach and say there should have been that absolute clarity of ‘whatever happens in this series, this is how we need to play’ because that is going to give us our best chance.
“We’ve set the team up with the skill set of the players and the personalities; we’ve set the environment up like that. Maybe we didn’t get it right in the last stages leading into those games.”
Will Jacks was dejected after failing to see England over the line. (Getty Images: PA Images/Robbie Stephenson)
Winless run extends to 18 Tests
So, where now for England?
“There is a hell of a lot to play for,” insisted captain Ben Stokes, who said that although the “dream was over” there were still two Test matches to win.
And there is precedent for success, despite having already lost the Ashes. On the 1998/99 tour, after Australia wrapped up the series before Christmas, England recovered to win a thrilling Boxing Day Test by 12 runs.
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That being said, England has played 34 Tests in Australia since that one on Boxing Day 27 years ago. It has had just four victories in that period.
England’s winless run in Australia now stands at 18 Tests, with Australia winning 16 and two matches ending in draws, a barren stretch dating back to January 2011.
If England does realise its promise and finally clicks into gear in Melbourne, what will that say about the way the tourists have played in these first three Tests?
What will it say about the four-year plan that was implemented to try and win the urn Down Under for the first time in 15 years?
Ultimately, it will make no difference whatsoever as England looks for ways to address its multiple failings. Again.
“There is an immense amount of talent in that dressing room, some very good characters and steely belief to try and achieve,” McCullum said.
“But we’ve fallen short in this series.”