Could you be a better friend? Few would say no — but it can be hard to know where to start, with so many pressures on our time and so much of our communication taking place online. Little wonder many of us feel lonelier and less connected than ever.
Yet seeing friends in person, talking on the phone and feeling like part of a community have been found to be good for our health, longevity and happiness. All the more reason to make this the year you become a better friend. Here, according to the experts, is how to do so.
If every meet-up becomes a download of what’s happened since you last saw one another — work, family, holidays, etc — the friendship can start to feel stale.
Firstly, don’t rattle through a checklist when you see each other. “Sharing your feelings instead of going through a list really can create a deeper feeling of connection,” says Marisa G Franco, the psychologist and author of the New York Times bestseller Platonic. Instead, delve deeper into one incident or situation with your friend.
Max Dickins, author of the male friendship guide Billy No-Mates, suggests doing something new together to change the dynamic. “Do you want to play squash? Try a new street food place? Just to add some forward momentum, so you’re not just sitting around regurgitating the past,” he says.
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2. Step up to help a friend in need
“When a friend is struggling, the biggest mistake we make is assuming we need to fix them. What they usually need is presence, not solutions,” says Emma Reed Turrell, psychotherapist, author and host of the therapy podcast Dial Emma. “Ask, ‘Do you want advice, distraction, or company?’ Offering options gives them agency when they may feel powerless. A simple ‘I’m here’ lands far better than a perfectly crafted pep talk.”
Saying that, practical help can be appreciated, especially if they’re facing a big upheaval such as illness or grief. Leaving food on their doorstep; collecting children from school; picking up prescriptions; or offering a time-out such as a weekend away — all are ways to be there for them as well as make their life easier.
Julia Samuel, a pioneering psychotherapist and the author of This Too Shall Pass, warns against minimising by saying things like, “ ‘You can try for another baby’ or ‘My dog died, so I know about grief’. That just diminishes what they’re going through.” If you have been through something similar — which may be the reason they’ve reached out to you — it’s natural and helpful to empathise. But if you haven’t? Listening is the best policy.
3. Be the sherpa
Something Dickins often hears from men is: “All my mates are rubbish, no one ever arranges anything.” The solution? Be the “sherpa”, “the guy that initiates and organises. Pitch stuff — you want to see this comedy show and have bought three tickets, who’s coming?”
That said, vary the context. Not everyone wants to go out drinking all day, at vast expense, with a guaranteed hangover in the morning. “I think this is huge for men,” Dickins says. “Can you socialise one-on-one? Can you go for a walk or coffee? It sounds simple but, if you’re the one organising, it can be a powerful thing.”
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4. Learn how to tell a friend they have upset you …
Address fallings-out before they start to fester. “Friendship isn’t the absence of conflict — it’s the ability to handle conflict without losing connection,” Reed Turrell says. Address any grievances “before resentment has a chance to grow and use clear, kind language that keeps the focus on your experience rather than their wrongdoing,” she continues. “For example: ‘When X happened, I felt Y, so I wanted to talk to you.’ ” Rehearsing what you want to say helps you stay calm and clear, Samuel adds. “Be very specific: ‘The last four times we’ve met, it upset me that I had to wait around.’ ”
Express how much the friendship means to you — that’s why you want to set things straight. After you’ve said your prepared piece, your friend will want to respond and may be defensive. Listen, and once they’ve finished speaking, summarise to make sure you’ve understood their point of view before responding. An open-ended question may help: “Can you tell me more about that?”
Finally, try to do something positive after the conversation is over: get a coffee or go for a walk. Don’t just have it out and leave.
5. … and know how to apologise
“A good apology has three parts: ownership, understanding and offering,” Reed Turrell says. “Start with what you did, not why you did it. Then show you understand the impact on them. Finally, offer something concrete, such as a change of behaviour.”
Timing, Samuel adds, is important. In some cases it might be better not to say sorry straight away — you may have to let them feel angry before you can repair the rupture. “From that apology you can then have an open conversation about why the friendship matters and you end up feeling closer,” she says.
6. Learn to manage emotionally draining friends
No one wants to be unsupportive, but if you’ve fallen into a pattern where every meet-up consists of their drama, it can feel draining. “Is it mutual, or one friend sharing and not being curious about your life? That’s where the problem lies,” Franco says. “Say, ‘You know I want to make you feel supported. But sometimes I want to do activities together or talk about this other thing. I’d love to share more about my life and I’m more comfortable doing that when people ask me questions — is that OK?’ Try not to make it [seem like] there’s something wrong, but that you want to add more to the friendship.”
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7. Find friendship “touch points”
The small things matter, Reed Turrell says. “The healthiest friendships are kept alive through spontaneous ‘touch points’: a five-minute call while walking the dog, a funny photo or ‘I thought of you when I saw this’. Tiny moments of connection build more resilience than grand gestures.”
8. Be more vulnerable
“Men don’t talk about feelings” is a generalisation — yet, Dickins says, there is truth there, especially when socialising in big groups where the atmosphere can turn competitive. “The setting really affects the sort of conversations that are possible. If you are in a big crowd, things never go past a certain level of superficiality.
“The next time you talk to a friend one-to-one, tell them one thing you’re struggling with — it could be a project that hasn’t gone well at work. Generally they’ll reciprocate and feel relieved. Vulnerability creates trust, not the other way around.”
Men tend to avoid being more vulnerable when socialising as a group
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9. Hit “WhatsApp zero”
How many unanswered messages from friends do you have on your phone right now? Gulp. Dickins recommends aiming for “WhatsApp zero” — replying to them all by the end of the week and using dead time, such as your commute, to do so. “So many people get ghosted, not because their friends are awful but because they’re busy and forget. If you can set that rule it’s helpful to your friendships and guilt levels.”
10. Know how to respond to a friend’s big news
Getting promoted, engaged or pregnant — milestones can wrongfoot a friendship. “Big news can stir up joy for them, as well as complicated feelings about what it means for you,” Reed Turrell says. “Both are valid. Let your first response match the spirit of their moment: ‘I’m so pleased for you.’ Offer warmth before honesty — your immediate reaction shapes how safe they feel to keep you in their new chapter.”
If you’re struggling with complicated feelings, it can be helpful to go away and speak to a neutral friend. Whether you hash it out that way or just reflect on your own, what you’re trying to do is pinpoint what exactly is making you feel upset or envious. Then you can talk to your friend about it.
Samuel recommends being truthful, if not straight away. “The next time you meet you can say, ‘I’m so happy for you and I’m not trying to spoil it, but I also don’t have what you have and I feel a bit jealous. I hope that’s OK to say.’ It’s keeping the friendship honest. If they’re a good friend they’ll probably have sensed it anyway.”
11. “Repot” your friendships
Or, in less horticultural terms, change how you connect with someone so your friendship has more room to put down roots. “Men’s friendships tend to become quite compartmentalised, without much room for growth,” Dickins says. “So you see them at the gym and that’s it. Whereas if you ‘re-pot’ and say, ‘Why don’t we get something to eat afterwards?’ suddenly that friendship has somewhere else to go. Men often say they have quite a few friends but don’t feel as though they know them well, which is connected to feeling a lack of intimacy in their lives.”
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12. You can disagree — but be diplomatic
Politics, the environment, how to raise children — is there anything that doesn’t have the potential for disagreement with our friends now? “It’s hard to disagree,” Franco says. “First, try to say something validating: acknowledge what you agree on or say, ‘That was a good point, but I would add …’ Frame it as though your beliefs are forking out from a shared point. Is there some commonality, however small? It can even be, ‘I love that you have thought about this deeply.’ Generally in healthy relationships there’s room for people to see the same situation very differently, but still value the other person’s perception.”
13. Make plans — and be realistic
Work out how friendship can actually fit into your life, Samuel says. “Is it by having a book club every two months? Is it booking a restaurant and messaging three friends asking them to join you? Getting a friend to come when you take the baby for a walk?” Work this out and it will all seem more manageable.
14. But if you have to cancel, cancel well
“The more someone cancels on us, the more we feel rejected,” Franco says. If you have to flake, don’t put the burden of rescheduling on your friend. “Reassure them, ‘I would have loved to have seen you, might this other time work? I’ll make a reservation.’ ” That shows you’re serious about seeing them.
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15. When to end a friendship
There can be good reasons to end a friendship — drifting apart, a mismatch in values, a betrayal — but not wanting to have a difficult conversation isn’t one of them. Don’t lose a good friend to avoid a confrontation.
“The clearest sign it may be time to let go is when the relationship consistently costs you more than it nourishes you — so if you leave most interactions feeling depleted, criticised or unseen, and if attempts to address it gently have gone nowhere,” Reed Turrell says. “Pay attention to the version of yourself the friendship brings out. If you don’t like who you are around them, that’s valuable data.”
If so, how do you end it? “Aim for clarity over blame,” Reed Turrell says. “You might say: ‘I value what we’ve shared, but I’m noticing we’re in different places now and the friendship isn’t feeling good for me in the way it used to. I think I need to take a step back.’
“Keep it simple and kind. And if a direct conversation feels disproportionate, it’s also acceptable to let the friendship gently recede.” That doesn’t mean cruelly ghosting them, but “reducing contact and allowing the relationship to settle at a level that feels workable for you”.
BFF? The Truth about Female Friendship by Claire Cohen (Transworld £16.99). To order a copy go to timesbookshop.co.uk. Discount for Times+ members
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