And there you have it.
Another year, done and dusted, and I would say for many of us: Thank God. It’s too much pressure, existing in a year that is, numerically, the quarter marker of a century, and there’s something comforting about heading into an even-numbered, non-leap year (sure, no one has ever said or thought that before, but I need something to believe in).
We are now entering 2026. Here is what we have to look forward to.
OUT: Jokes
Jokes had a good run, but at this point, it feels a bit gauche to make words into silly little nothings, when (look around) all this is happening.
That said, apologies for what follows.
IN: Smokes
Teenage girls smoke cigarettes in 1989.Oregonian
Now that we have Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in the post of United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, vaccines, fluoride and cancer research are out, and drinking raw milk, doing shirtless pull-ups and harvesting roadkill are in.
So don’t be surprised next year when Kennedy takes the logical next step: rescinding the Surgeon General’s warning on cigarettes and revoking all laws pertaining to smoking indoors.
This will dovetail perfectly with U.S. Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy’s desire to get back to a “golden age” of airline travel, when smoke-filled cabins were common at 10,000 feet.
Wear your fanciest evening wear! Hopefully, it doesn’t cost too much for the dry cleaner to get out that smoke smell after an eight-hour flight!
IN: The Portland protest frog … but bigger
Frogs have become a symbol of the Portland protests after a protester at the ICE building dressed in an inflatable frog costume went viral.Allison Barr/The Oregonian
The Portland protest frogs are now iconic. And in some sense, they worked: The protests are much smaller now, and Portlanders never did see National Guard troops on the ground. If the terrestrial frog could do that, what would happen if we made it … larger?
Hear me out: What if the blow-up animals were the size of a city block and floating in the air while crowds of people held on to them from below, marching through the streets, with … bands? Playing music? In 2026, maybe we just need a lot more parades.
OUT: Witches
Ariana Grande is Glinda and Cynthia Erivo is Elphaba in “Wicked: For Good,” directed by Jon M. Chu.Giles Keyte/Universal Pictures
We spent all year waiting for the second part of “Wicked,” only to have it come out and frankly, not change anything except beauty standards.
So, we are done with Elphaba and Glinda. Move along! Witches didn’t help us! We need something more powerful.
IN: Folk music
What has the otherworldly power to actually make a change? No, not spells or magic potions – poetry! In the form of folk music! Expect an even stronger re-emergence of music as a voice for the people in 2026.
OUT: 6-7
Hockey players in the pre-“6-7” era.
Nobody knows what “6-7″ means, and soon, it won’t matter. In 2026, children will stop laughing at the very mention of the prime number that is the solution to the question: “What is eight times eight plus three?”
IN: 7-8-9
Instead of number nonsense, kids will get back to real quality number jokes, namely: “Why was six afraid of seven?”
“Because seven ate nine.”
OUT: Nora
Nora the polar bear cub at the Oregon Zoo on August 4, 2017.
Our beloved lonely little polar bear is moving yet again, allegedly so she can mate. While that may be “good for the species,” it isn’t good for us. And yet, we have no choice. Bon voyage, Nora.
IN: Tula-Tu
Tula-Tu and her mom Rose-Tu venture outside on public view on Tuesday, April 15 at the Oregon Zoo.Lizzy Acker/The Oregonian
You know who isn’t leaving? Tula-Tu, the cutest elephant on Earth. And thank goodness she’s here, because when the aliens come, we can pretend she is our leader and then they will certainly spare Portland from whatever doom they have planned for the rest of the planet.
OUT: Stephen Colbert
Late Night with Stephen Colbert on Monday, Sept. 29.Screenshot
What does the world look like with Stephen Colbert on our screens every night, interpreting the day’s events and coming up with words like “Waregon”? I don’t want to know. And yet, as time marches on, I will be forced to find out. At least we have until May.
IN: Jon Stewart
While we bid adieu to Colbert, Jon Stewart is extending his contract and showing up once a week to talk about the news. Honestly, that’s enough. That should be enough. Will it be enough?
OUT: Climate panic
We used to spend a lot of time worrying about the future of our planet when our great-grandkids would have to paddle to work in Manhattan, farm kelp from a decommissioned battleship in the middle of the ocean and wear gas masks and sun hats every day. But now, that fear seems almost quaint. Of course, the climate is still warming at an alarming rate, but a future with humans in it at all?! Adorable!
IN: Manic Panic
This image released by Netflix shows characters Zoey, from left, Rumi and Mira in a scene from “KPop Demon Hunters.” (Netflix via AP)AP
Nothing matters anymore except “K-Pop Demon Hunters.” So dye your hair purple (or pink, your call). We’re all going to get together this weekend and sing songs and fight demons, OK?