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And best of all, a tale with a wildly improbable twist. Thanks for your company!
The header from Tyrone Mings that spoilt James Milner’s big night …
The strange case of the team who took 35 shots and didn’t score with one of them …
Updated at 17.21 EST
The match reports are beginning to land. Here’s the first …
ShareFULL TIME! Sunderland 0-1 Liverpool
Sunderland finally lose their unbeaten home record after 13 games. Still a great achievement for a promoted club. Liverpool now have 42 points: they stay sixth, but they’re now only a win away from Chelsea (44) and Man United (45).
Groan.
“Re the delay at Selhurst Park,” says Gary Naylor. “I trekked in the rain to a very wet Battersea for a play called Donbas tonight. Might have been easier to go to the actual Donbas…”
Latest from Scotland … “Late drama at the fitba, Tim!” says Simon McMahon. “Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain scored a stoppage-time winner for Celtic at home to Livingston, and Motherwell, with ten men, have equalised at home to Rangers, meaning that as it stands it’s Hearts on 57, Rangers 52, Celtic (with game in hand) 51.” The Ox in the box!
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (centre rear) fires home a late winner for Celtic. Photograph: Jane Barlow/PAStephen Welsh of Motherwell (right) celebrates after scoring an 89th minute equaliser against Rangers. Photograph: Vagelis Georgariou/Action Plus/ShutterstockShare
Updated at 17.17 EST
I’ve been trying to embed the top of the table, and failing. So here’s the home-made version, of the kind you might have found in my exercise book when I was seven.
1 Arsenal 56 points from 25 games
2 Man City 53 from 26
3 Aston Villa 50 from 26
4 Man Utd 45 from 26
5 Chelsea 44 from 26
6 Liverpool 42* from 26
*if they stay ahead of Sunderland
There were boos at the City Ground after Forest failed to break down Wolves. When they beat West Ham in early January, they went seven points clear of them; now the gap is down to three.
Correction! The Liverpool goal has been given to Virgil van Dijk. It’s his 23rd Premier League goal and it makes him the highest-scoring defender in PL history (Sami Hyppia managed 22). In less happy news, Wataru Endo has been carried off on a stretcher.
Midweeks often bring upsets but of all the clubs in the bottom half of the table, only one has managed a win in the past 26 hours or so. Yes, it’s Burnley! They stay 19th but now have four wins and 18 points, which means they’re well clear of Wolves (9) and dreaming of catching West Ham (24).
ShareFULL TIME! Palace 2-3 Burnley
On 26 October, Burnley went to Molineux and won 3-2. That was their only away win of the season – until now. Did the extra ten minutes on the bus make all the difference?
ShareGOAL! Sunderland 0-1 Liverpool (Diarra OG 60)
Another game, another cruel OG … Mo Salah curls in a corner, Virgil van Dijk gets a touch and Habib Diarra can only head it on into the net. To follow this game, do join Scott Murray.
Virgil van Dijk (right) and his teammates celebrate Habib Diarra and Sunderland’s misfortune. Photograph: Owen Humphreys/PAShare
Updated at 16.45 EST
Palace 2-3 Burnley Burnley have held on for 45 minutes – can gthey cope with added time too?
ShareFULL TIME! Villa 1-0 Brighton
Hi Ho Silver Lining rings out as Villa’s fans celebrate Tyrone Mings’ late winner. Brighton’s lean run continues, but from what I saw they deserved a point.
ShareFULL TIME! Man City 3-0 Fulham
City maintain their stranglehold over Fulham – and become the first team to win both their games in this pair of matchweeks.
ShareFULL TIME! Forest 0-0 Wolves
It’s all over at the City Ground. Forest had THIRTY-FIVE shots. That’s good news for managerless Spurs, who are two points above Forest, and for Nuno’s West Ham, three points below them.
As it stands in England … Villa are still third but now have 50 points, so they stay close to Man City (56) and well clear of Man United (45). Fulham, even though they have yet to embark on that comeback, are back up to 12th because of Burnley’s three-goal stunner at Palace.
Latest from the Scottish Premiership. “For what feels like the first time in forever,” says Smion McMahon, “it seems like we actually have a three-way title race in Scotland. Livingston have equalised from the penalty spot at Celtic Park, and Rangers lead Motherwell at Fir Park, so as things stand Hearts remain top on 57 points, with Rangers second on 54 and Celtic third on 49, though with a game in hand over the teams above them, with Rangers at home to Hearts on Sunday…”
Villa 1-0 Brighton Brighton get up the other end, a cross comes in and and Milner gets his head to it … but Martinez gathers it in easily enough.
ShareGOAL!! Villa 1-0 Brighton (Mings 86)
Who writes James Milner’s scripts? Not Tyrone Mings. He wins the jumping race at a corner and flicks the ball into the far corner.
Aston Villa’s Tyrone Mings (third left) heads the home side into the lead. Photograph: Cody Froggatt/PAAston Villa’s Tyrone Mings celebrates scoring their first goal with Morgan Rogers and Lamare Bogarde. Photograph: Andrew Couldridge/Action Images/ReutersShare
Updated at 16.26 EST
Sunderland-Liverpool has reached half-time at 0-0. In five matches, we’ve had only eight goals so far, and they have arrived like snow, in sudden flurries: three in 16 minutes from Man City, two in 17 from Jorgen Strand Larsen, and three in seven minutes from Burnley. None in the other three games. But hang on …
“Roxy Music/Burnley,” says the subject line of the next email. Tim Smith, you’re speaking my language. “In the photograph accompanying your Roxy Music reference [20:01],” he says, “it’s the Same Old Scene. Kyle Walker left in the wake of whatever forward is banging one in against Burnley. Crazy how quickly the burst of pace is lost and for Walker, in particular, that was most of his game.” True! And there was Pep saying Walker would still be quick when he was 60.
Forest 0-0 Wolves Dan Ndoye has come on for Callum Hudson-Odoi, who if I remember right had the first of those 31 shots. And Igor Jesus is on for Lorenzo Lucca.
Forest 0-0 Wolves Forest have now had THIRTY-ONE shots. Maybe they need to shoot less?
Palace 2-3 Burnley After that implausible first half, this game has gone rather quiet. Burnley have hung onto their lead for 20 minutes. Oliver Glasner makes his second substitution, replacing one newcomer (Evan Guessand) with another (Brennan Johnson).
Villa 0-0 Brighton Two more subs from Unai Emery: Tammy Abraham replaces Ollie Watkins up top, and in an attacking move Amadou Onana gives way to Alysson, the 19-year-old winger from Brazil.
Goal-difference latest. Man City, who felt cheated of a goal on Sunday, are now +30, while Arsenal are +32. If it does come down to goal difference, City will have won at least one more game (from their last 12) than Arsenal (from their remaining 13). So, in the GD column, they’re practically level already. At least until that Fulham comeback materialises.
Villa 0-0 Brighton Villa have a whole series of touches in the Brighton box without carving out a clear chance. Brighton break at pace and they do have a chance as Jack Hinshelwood shoots from 15 yards – over the bar.
Villa 0-0 Brighton Chance! Ezri Konsa flashes a header past the post.
Man City 3-0 Fulham This game has actually been less one-sided than Forest-Wolves. Fulham, who have come to life since conceding the third goal, have managed eight shots to City’s 13.
Updated at 15.56 EST
Forest 0-0 Wolves It’s business as usual at the City Ground. Forest have now had TWENTY-ONE shots.
Nottingham Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis (right) reacts in the stands. Photograph: Joe Giddens/PAShare
Updated at 16.09 EST
Villa 0-0 Brighton As the hourglass flips over, Unai Emery rings the changes: Leon Bailey for Sancho, Ross Barkley for Buendia.
Palace 2-3 Burnley Jefferson Lerma not only has an OG to his name. He’s also been subbed at half-time, possibly because he was on a yellow (along with Chris Richards, who stays on). Lerma gives way to Chadi Riad.
Villa 0-0 Brighton Save! Brighton have been getting closer and now Danny Welbeck lays the ball back to Ferdi Kadioglu, whose shot is tipped onto the bar by Emi Martinez.
Villa 0-0 Brighton I’ve been watching this one, willing James Milner to score a worldie. No sign of it yet.
“The Parisian derby, albeit not as storied as the Dundee derby,” says Kári Tulinius, “also features clubs whose home stadiums are across the road from each other. Additionally, Paris Saint-Germain and Paris FC were once the same club. You’d think this would make for a fierce rivalry, but thanks to the difference in size, it isn’t really. Still, both fun teams on their day.”
“Excellent Roxy Music reference,” says Peter Dodds, picking up on my line at 20:01. “I couldn’t ask for any more than this…”
“When you concede three goals in six minutes, it is bad,” says Fredrik Lorentzson. “At home, even worse. But against Burnley? Almost unheard of.”
Villa 0-0 Brighton Chance! Kaoru Mitoma, set free down the left, dances into the box and curls his shot just wide.
ShareHALF-TIME!! Palace 2-3 Burnley
Burnley, who haven’t won an away game since Hallowe’en, have just scored three times in seven minutes. Can they hold on for 45 minutes?
ShareGOOOOALLL! Palace 2-3 Burnley (Lerma OG 45+2)
A corner, a header from Bashir Humpreys, a goalmouth scramble, and Dean Henderson can only paw the ball onto Jefferson Lerma, who can only score an own goal. Burnley need to get held up in traffic more often.
Jefferson Lerma puts the ball into his own net, and gives the visitors the lead. Photograph: Justin Setterfield/Getty ImagesBurnley’s Bashir Humphreys (right) and Hannibal Mejbri celebrate their third goal, an own goal scored by Crystal Palace’s Jefferson Lerma. Photograph: Paul Childs/Action Images/ReutersShare
Updated at 16.06 EST
HALF-TIME! Forest 0-0 Wolves
Forest have now had SIXTEEN shots. And six of them on target, but none good enough to get past Jose Sa.
ShareHALF-TIME! Man City 3-0 Fulham
The stage is set for Fulham’s comeback.
ShareGOAL! Palace 2-2 Burnley (Anthony 44)
Burnley are back from the dead! Lesley Ugochukwu makes a good run from midfield and sets up Jaidon Anthony, who cuts in to send a right-foot shot into the net.
Jaidon Anthony puts Burnley level with a fine finish. Photograph: Justin Setterfield/Getty ImagesThen wheels away in celebration. Photograph: Paul Childs/Action Images/ReutersShare
Updated at 15.43 EST
Tonight’s late game, Sunderland v Liverpool, is now under way. If you’d rather follow that one, do join Scott Murray. The jokes may well be better.
ShareHALF-TIME! Villa 0-0 Brighton
Villa have had ten shots, to Brighton’s two, but in terms of shots on target, it’s 1-1. Brighton have to win it for Milly now, don’t they?
ShareGOAL! Palace 2-1 Burnley (Mejbri 40)
Burnley are finally off the bus! They put together a fine team goal, finished by Hannibal Mejbri.
ShareGOAL! Palace 2-0 Burnley (Larsen 33)
Larsen gets his second! That may surprise a few Wolves fans… It’s a header from a cross by Jefferson Lerma.
Jorgen Strand Larsen celebrates scoring his, and Crystal Palace’s, second goal with Adam Wharton. Photograph: Ian Walton/ReutersShare
Updated at 15.27 EST