Must like complexity. No litmus tests.
SEEKING: One functional democracy. Must like complexity.
ABOUT ME: 38, Jewish, Democrat, Mainer. Believes in civil rights, reproductive freedom, liberal democracy and, yes, Israel’s continued existence. Not interested in pretending those values can’t coexist.
Dating in your late 30s is supposedly hard. Apparently, political affiliation is too.
I’m a Democrat. I still am. But lately, I’ve begun to feel oddly homeless. Not because my values have shifted, but because the conversation around me has.
Maine is supposed to be the kind of place that resists this sort of thing. We like practicality here. We like knowing our neighbors. We pride ourselves on independence, on splitting our tickets, on occasionally electing politicians who seem to confuse the rest of the country simply by refusing to fit neatly into the boxes assigned to them.
But these days, Maine isn’t just Maine. Our politics are national politics. Our Senate race matters far beyond our borders, with control of the United States Senate potentially hanging in the balance. And as national attention has descended on our quiet corner of New England, something else has arrived with it: the increasingly national obsession with making Israel a defining test of American political identity. For Maine’s tiny Jewish community, that can be a strange place to stand. Suddenly, Jews feel less like neighbors and more like litmus tests.
SEEKING: Someone who can criticize the government of Israel without turning every Jewish person they meet into an unwilling spokesperson for it. Must know the difference between a synagogue and an embassy. Bonus points for understanding that “How do you feel about Netanyahu?” is not actually Jewish small talk.
I care what candidates think about Israel. I want to be clear about that. But perhaps not for the reasons people assume.
I don’t need politicians to defend every decision made by an Israeli government. I certainly don’t. I don’t need them to pretend Palestinians don’t exist or that Palestinian suffering doesn’t matter. I don’t want a politics built around permanent war, endless occupation or the fantasy that security can ever truly be achieved through the suffering of another people. What I want are leaders interested in solutions rather than erasure.
I want leaders capable of imagining a future in which Israelis and Palestinians both have safety, dignity, autonomy and identity. Leaders who understand that Palestinian freedom does not require Jewish disappearance, and Jewish safety does not require Palestinian suffering.
Because Israel exists.
That isn’t an endorsement of a prime minister. It isn’t a position on settlements or borders or military strategy. Israel is a sovereign country, home to millions of people, and the world’s only Jewish state.
I am not interested in political movements, from the right or the left, whose vision for peace begins with imagining that one group of people simply ceases to be there.
RED FLAGS: Uses “Zionist” when they mean “Jew.” Thinks “complicated” is a moral failure. Believes disagreement is disqualification. Requires me to submit a 14-point position paper on Middle East geopolitics before discussing property taxes.
This dynamic isn’t unique to Maine. The partisan divide over Israel has grown substantially in American politics, and the vocabulary surrounding Israel, Zionism and American Jews has increasingly migrated from foreign policy into domestic political identity.
But experiencing that shift as a Jew is different from observing it in polling. Because eventually the conversation stops being about Israel. It becomes about us.
American Jews are asked to explain Israel. To condemn Israel. To defend Israel. To declare our relationship to Israel. To answer for AIPAC. To answer for Netanyahu. To prove that we are the right kind of Jew before our opinions on health care, education, abortion, democracy or anything else can be considered.
And I find myself wanting to ask: When exactly did my membership in the Democratic Party come with a foreign-policy entrance exam?
That is part of what makes Jews like me feel politically homeless. I remain a Democrat because I still believe in almost everything that first drew me to the party. I believe government has an obligation to protect the vulnerable. I believe reproductive freedom is fundamental. I believe LGBTQ+ people deserve full equality. I believe immigrants make this country stronger. I believe racism is real, democracy is fragile and diversity makes communities better.
Those aren’t values I am willing to abandon. But there is another value I am not willing to abandon either. I believe Jews deserve safety. And I believe history has demonstrated, with horrifying consistency, why Jews need somewhere to go when the places we call home decide we no longer belong there.
I care about that more personally than I care about many other geopolitical conflicts. There. I said it. I am Jewish. Of course I do.
Human beings care most deeply about the things that touch our own lives. Parents care differently about issues affecting their children. Immigrants feel immigration policy in ways I never will. Members of marginalized communities carry histories that shape which threats they recognize first. Caring more personally about Jewish safety does not mean I believe Palestinian lives matter less. Empathy is not a pie. My particular attachment to my own people does not require indifference to anyone else’s.
NON-NEGOTIABLES: Believes Jews are allowed to care about Jews. Does not interpret Jewish self-preservation as evidence of moral deficiency. Comfortable holding two thoughts in their head simultaneously. References available upon request.
And maybe that is what I am actually looking for politically. Not a candidate who agrees with me about everything. G-d knows I don’t agree with myself about everything before I’ve had coffee.
I am looking for someone whose politics leave room for complexity. Someone who can say Israel has a right to exist and Palestinians have a right to self-determination. Someone who can condemn antisemitism without adding a “but.” Someone who can criticize Israeli policy without assigning collective guilt to Jews in Portland, Maine.
Someone who understands that my concern for the world’s only Jewish state isn’t a betrayal of my progressive values. It is informed by the same belief that underlies so many of them: that vulnerable minorities deserve safety, dignity and the right to determine their own futures.
And I want that person to care about Maine. About our housing crisis. Our schools. Our aging population. Our health care system. Our working families. Our environment. Our economy. About the actual people who live here. Including the Jews.
So yes, I’m still a Democrat. I’m just standing in the doorway at the moment, wondering whether there’s still room for someone like me inside.
SEEKING: A political home. Must believe in democracy. Must tolerate nuance. Must understand that two peoples can both deserve a future. Preferably located somewhere in Maine.
If you’re out there, let me know.
Coffee first.
No litmus tests.
I promise not to ask how you feel about Bibi until at least the third date.
Ashley Inbar is the Chief Development Officer of the Jewish Community Alliance of Southern Maine. A dedicated advocate for peace, justice, and Jewish safety, she works to combat rising antisemitism and strengthen Jewish communities locally and globally. Ashley brings both professional expertise and personal experience to her work, fostering dialogue and unity.