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Dear Prudence,

Do I need to invite 13-year-old cousin with special needs to my no-kids wedding?

My fiancé and I are in the early stages of planning a black-tie optional wedding in late fall/early winter 2024. I know my parents graciously want to pay for most of the wedding; however, my fiancé and I are in a position that we are happy to contribute, as we are in our mid-30s and established in our careers and finances. Most of our friends have younger children, and we know they will welcome a kid-free night they can get dressed up for. My mom is very supportive that we want a kid-free wedding, with the exception of my fiancé’s niece who will be a flower girl and then be tucked in for the reception.

I know my mother also wants to keep the guest list pretty exclusive, which aligns with the intimate vibe my fiancé and I are envisioning. I told my mom I was not interested in inviting my 13-year-old special needs cousin “Abby.” My mother was pretty dead set on inviting her, because “she would love it.” I tend to disagree, but since my parents are paying, I am happy to give them a say so, and I have no interest in making any issue with my parents over the planning and execution of this wedding. But my gut is strongly telling me I’m justified to invite or not invite anyone to my wedding! I have no desire to be a bridezilla about this or anything!

Ever since my uncle (Abby’s father) and his ex-wife divorced, he has utilized my parents more like grandparents. Over the years he has developed the habit of visiting my parents with “Abby” and completely detaching from being a parent. He has the mentality that when my parents are around, they are there to completely take over in entertainment, discipline, etc. I know she is a lot to handle, but he only has her half the time, so I know he does have opportunities to recharge. I know this plucks my parents’ nerves, but they also don’t seem bothered enough to re-establish any boundaries. By the time Abby was born, I was 20 and pretty much completely out of my parents’ nest, so I have never had a particularly close bond with her, seeing her on holidays and family gatherings from time to time, but that’s about it.

I just don’t see Abby having fun at a wedding like this, and it seems silly to serve her a plated dinner I know she won’t eat, and I feel like it would fall on my parents and the rest of my mom’s side of the family to entertain her. I’m not sure my mom has really thought about what the day would be like for her, my dad, and the rest of the family who may be inadvertently left to entertain and care for “Abby” and if that’s something they are really okay with.

Is it okay to invite my uncle but not his daughter? If it was someone other than family, it would be a clear no for me! He is not married, engaged, or cohabiting, which is the typical etiquette for plus ones, and even if he was, it would still be a kid-free wedding guest list!

—Not a Bridezilla

Dear Not a Bridezilla,

This situation involves a pretty big gap between what you are absolutely 100 percent entitled to do and what I think you should do. Let me be clear: You can invite your uncle and only you uncle. You absolutely can. If he complains that he doesn’t have a plus one for Abby, a completely reasonable response is “I’m sorry about that, we had to make some tough choices about the guest list and couldn’t offer a plus one to everyone, and the event isn’t going to be child-friendly.” You are so right that it’s your wedding and your choice. This is one time in life when you can kind of get away with being totally selfish. I can’t guarantee that nobody will call you a bridezilla, but you ultimately make the rules. So if your primary goal is to make sure your special day looks and feels the way you want it to, tell your mom you have my blessing to make that choice.

With that said, I want to urge you to think more about the bigger picture. About the potential of weddings to set family relationships on a new trajectory. About your opportunity to make a statement about what you value. About erring on the side of being generous and welcoming. About the experience of a young girl with a disability who may not be getting all of what she needs from her father. I think you should invite both of them. When it comes to Abby, I get that there are legitimate questions about whether your reception is a place where she will thrive. But to me, the bigger issue is about making sure she’s not, because of a combination of her disability and her dad’s behavior, pushed aside. Yes, I get that nobody’s children are invited so you could make the case that you wouldn’t be treating her any differently by leaving her out, but I sense some misplaced animosity toward her in your letter, and I guess I want you to go above and beyond to ensure that that isn’t felt by her or her family. Send your uncle a note saying “The wedding is going to be mostly child-free and I’m not sure good time for Abby but if finding care for her is tricky or you think she would enjoy it, she is welcome to attend.” A bunch of relatives pitching in to keep an eye on her won’t be a catastrophe. In fact, it’s kind of what family is about. And she is part of yours.

—Jenée Desmond-Harris

From: Help! My Mother Wants to Invite My Disabled Cousin to My Child-Free Wedding.(December 7th, 2023)

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Dear Prudence,

I am vegan. I don’t put my personal choices on anyone else, but I do have to be vigilant in what I eat and prepare for myself. The problem is with my 11-year-old stepdaughter “Annie.” Annie has a bad habit of deciding she doesn’t want the food ordered for her and wants mine instead. This often leaves me with less than half a plate, especially when I have to bring my own food. And Annie will not even finish what she whines for. Instead, she will take one or two bites and then decide she really wants to finish her hamburger instead. It is especially irritating when we go out to eat, where the vegan options are very limited. I can’t even get a fruit salad in peace. Annie doesn’t do this with anyone but me. I usually try and hang back when it comes to parenting problems, but I hit my limit when I bought some rather expensive vegan cookies to take to a party, only for Annie to get her mitts on them—she took a bite out of every single one!

At this point, it is obvious this is a power play.

Despite having a pantry full of snacks, Annie went deliberately after my food and made sure to ruin it all. As punishment, I changed the wi-fi password and told Annie she wouldn’t be getting it back the entire weekend. She threw a crying fit and my husband immediately changed it back. Annie was “sorry.” I do the lion share of cooking and grocery shopping here. I am not going to be treated like this, so I told my husband I would cook for myself and myself alone. My husband hates cooking and claims I am “starving” his daughter. Annie is perfectly capable of using the microwave and heating up a pizza pocket. My husband can do the same. The tension in our house is unbelievably high. I always thought I had a good relationship with Annie. Her older brother is very distant, but this new development is driving me up the wall. I have tried talking to Annie, and she doesn’t know why she wants my food, just that she does. What do I do here?

—My Food

Dear My Food,

At the risk of taking this in a really predictable Dear Prudence direction: This isn’t about the vegan cookies or Annie’s appetite. The issues that are jumping off the page to me when I read your letter have to do with 1) Annie’s mental/emotional/behavioral health, and 2) A lack of clarity and communication between you and your husband when it comes to parenting roles and expectations. In other words, Annie is pretty clearly acting out because she’s going through something—perhaps the same divorce and blended family-related thing that has made her older brother withdraw?—and you two haven’t come to an agreement about how to respond to it.

It’s important that you’re able to eat the food you want to eat, so I actually think your idea to cook for yourself and let them eat together is a decent idea, in the short term. You’re right that you’re not starving Annie. But this is no way to live as a family. There will never be enough fruit salad and special snacks for a kid who is reeling in the way your stepdaughter seems to be. And you’re not going to shape her behavior or heal the underlying issues by turning off the wi-fi and then fighting about it when your husband turns it back on. You’ve got to call in the professionals. Therapy for Annie to get to the root of her actions and give her tools to express what she’s feeling in healthier ways. Couples therapy for you and your husband with the goal of replacing allegations of starving a child with a plan for raising her that you both feel good about.

—J.D.H.

From: Help! My Stepdaughter Is Playing a Power Game With Me Around Food, and I’m Sick of It. (December 13th, 2023).

Dear Prudence,

I have a moderately bad stutter. This is not something I can control, and even after years of speech therapy, there are still some days when it is very noticeable. I have more trouble with certain sounds than others, particularly hard consonants, think: hard K sounds, hard Gs, etc. I generally avoid words that begin with these sounds when I can, but there is one time I can’t: other people’s names. I’m white. White people getting people’s names wrong is obviously a microaggression. I am very aware of this. However, if I am having a bad speech day, I’m going to have as much trouble with a Kristen as I am with a Krishna, because the problem is not the pronunciation so much as my physical inability to not stumble over the beginning sound.
My question is: What is the politeness protocol here? How do I discreetly make it clear that if I stutter over someone’s name this is an unfortunate neurological problem on my end and not intentional disrespect? With people you know well that’s easy, but you can’t dump all that in someone you’re meeting professionally in passing. I am sure there is a way to help honor people’s names and not make people feel uncomfortable when my brain and mouth just won’t cooperate. Any ideas?

—Feel Like Porky Pig Over Here

Dear Over Here,

My Young Granddaughter Wrote a Cute, Harmless “Book.” Then She Said Something That Concerned Me.

My Girlfriend’s “Quirk” Is Costing Us Groceries and Leaving the House a Mess. I’m Not Sure I Can Live Like This.

My Wife and I Made a Risky Decision About Our Male Friend. It Tore Our Friend Group In Half.

I Let My Nephew Live in My Torn-Up Rental Property. Now I’m Really in a Pickle.

I guess it’s time for my semi-regular note that goodness, sensitivity, and care for the experiences of others are distributed very unevenly in this world. Some people are running around going, “Everyone is too sensitive!” in response to any request from a marginalized person to be treated halfway decently. Then there are people like you, dealing with their own struggles, and over-worrying about your impact on others. Yes, I do think you’re over-worrying. And it might have to do with the lens through which you’re thinking about microaggressions being a bit off.

When it comes to the problem of messing up names, the issue isn’t so much about white people making mistakes. It’s people with names with non-white origins being made to feel like their names are weird or unimportant, or mark them as outsiders. There’s a big difference between saying “Krishna?! That’s such a strange name, I’ve never heard it before, can I call you K?”—which would definitely be a microaggression—and doing your best to work around your stutter to get a name out. It sounds like anyone who spends significant time around you is going to notice that you have trouble with certain sounds, and will hopefully be understanding. And if you’re really just meeting someone in passing, try out what those of us who forget names (from all backgrounds) do as soon as they hear them: Just don’t use them at all.

—J.D.H.

From: Help! My Sister Is Determined to Show Me the “Nasty” Parts of Parenthood at All Costs. (October 2nd, 2023).

Classic Prudie

I’ve been together with my husband “Dan” for eight years, married for almost five. We have what I think is a pretty great relationship—we love each other very much, and have a lot of fun together, but aren’t co-dependent on each other. We both have social lives outside of each other, and we both have good relationships with our families. But recently, I made a sarcastic comment about people who post on social media about how their significant other is basically the center of/most important person in their lives …

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