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But, inside, it jarred – like I’d been hit with a bolt of lightning. I was angry. I was confused. I was scared they’d found me out. But most of all I felt shame.
Over the next few days the self loathing began to sink in. I hated myself. I hated myself for not saying anything. I hated myself for being gay. Why me? Why couldn’t it be someone else?
So I hid. I turned up to my shifts and pretended to be someone I’m not. Because the environment didn’t feel safe to me.
When you used that word, I guarantee there was someone who felt just like I did all those years ago.
It might have been a player on the field. It might have been a player in your club. It might have been a player at another club. It might have been a fan. A young person who’s watched this unfold.
The message you send is simple – you don’t belong here. And so begins the mental torture.
Ashleigh Brazill is netball’s first openly gay player.Credit: Getty
The player will be telling themselves that they have no other choice but to hide. Because if Izak uses that word, then what do other players think. They won’t understand.
They’ll probably talk about me behind my back – and may even call ME the F word.
It took me quite some time before I was able to establish safe and strong friendships that made me feel comfortable to be my true self. They’ve ended up being lifelong friends.
And netball has since come a long way, not only welcoming but celebrating its first openly gay player Ashleigh Brazill. The sport has become more inclusive. It’s come ahead in leaps and bounds and is all the better for it. They have moved well past the AFL on this issue.
For some reason, the message in your sport isn’t getting through. Six AFL-listed players in less than 18 months have been banned for homophobic slurs. Enough is enough.
It’s now your responsibility, and that of the leaders at your club and every other club, to change that. To have mature conversations. To keep educating others. To commit to creating a safe environment. To allow everyone in your sport to be their true selves. Because when you welcome diversity, hate has no place.
Like your teammate Taylor Walker – who was banned for six games for making a racist comment four years ago – you will learn so much from this unsavoury episode, and time will heal.
Life moves quickly. Footy moves even quicker. Everyone makes mistakes. And everyone deserves a second chance.
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I know you wouldn’t have intended to cause so much harm with one throwaway word in the heat of the moment. But I hope this helps you understand why it can’t be tolerated.
Take care. Surround yourself with good people. And come back strong.
I love the way you play, and can’t wait to see you back out there in the tricolours. My nephew and I will be cheering for you.