Though not a research-backed concept, the grey rock method has become something of a “pop psychology” phenomenon, as Lee put it. The term grey rocking was reportedly coined by a mental health blogger named Skylar in 2012, and it has lately exploded on social media platforms. There, creators discuss its merits as a strategy for dealing with difficult people.
The theory is that if you’re interacting with someone who is trying to manipulate or gaslight you, or has narcissistic personality disorder or displays narcissistic traits, they probably “want to get a rise out of you,” explained Julia Babcock, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Houston. “Even negative attention reinforces them, so you give them no reinforcement.” (This is different from stonewalling, when one person refuses to communicate at all, an approach that can damage relationships, Lee said.)
Abilio started tapping into the grey rock technique when she felt provoked by her ex. “It showed to this person that I’m not really willing to play those games,” she said. “You need to be strong enough to ignore it, even though inside of you it’s like, ‘I just want to reply to this.’”
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When to use the grey rock method
Scientists haven’t really studied the grey rock method in clinical settings. And some experts stressed that this technique is not recommended if you think someone might become violent. If you have concerns about your safety in a relationship, you should seek professional support immediately, Markley said. Depending on the situation, “it might not be safe to totally disengage from an abusive person,” she said.
It could be a reasonable strategy to “be a grey rock” when dealing with someone you interact with only occasionally, such as an annoying neighbour or co-worker, “but when there is a narcissist in your house, that’s different,” said Sandra Graham-Bermann, the director of the Child Resilience and Trauma Lab and a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Michigan.
In situations where you don’t feel unsafe but do have to interact with a difficult person, the grey rock method is “just good advice on how you manage” them, Graham-Bermann said. “You don’t give extra attention; limit your engagement and protect yourself.”
Babcock said she sees grey rocking as potentially useful when navigating challenging co-parenting dynamics, such as if one parent is trying to goad the other. This has some similarities with a co-parenting approach called parallel parenting, which involves minimal, businesslike interactions with the other parent. Research has found that interparental conflict can affect the wellbeing of children of divorce, so limited communication between parents might prevent kids from being exposed to disagreements.
A disengagement approach such as grey rocking is not a way to get a romantic partner to behave differently or improve a relationship that’s soured, Babcock noted. “It’s not something you do in a relationship you want to maintain,” she said. “You do it in short bursts in relationships where you have no choice but to maintain contact with this person.”
How to be a grey rock
Centre yourself
Maybe you’re about to enter a situation with a person you suspect will try to provoke you. Beforehand, repeating a mantra might allow you to tap into that grey rock mindset, Babcock said. She recommended a sky and weather metaphor from psychotherapist and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) trainer Russ Harris: “The observing self is like the sky, while thoughts, sensations and images are like the weather. The weather constantly changes throughout the day. And whatever it is, the sky always has room for it. No matter how bad the weather, no matter how violent the thunderstorm, no matter how severe the sun, the sky cannot be damaged in any way.”
Keep responses calm and neutral
Think: a flat affect, neutral tone of voice, limited eye contact and brief, disinterested replies. Hopefully, the other person will get the message that you’re not engaged in the conversation, Babcock said. “It is really not fun to talk with somebody who has that blank expression and doesn’t seem to be absorbing” what you’re saying, she said.
What else to know about grey rocking
Know the technique probably won’t improve a person’s behaviour
The grey rock method can be a short-term strategy in situations where you can’t avoid a difficult person and want to interact as little as possible. And while there’s always a chance that not reacting to their provocations might lead them to exert their efforts elsewhere, “it’s not about changing the other person’s behaviour,” Babcock noted. “It’s about making the interaction atypical and breaking that pattern.”
Give yourself grace
You certainly shouldn’t feel like you’ve failed if you can’t remain calm and neutral in these situations, experts said. “If someone is consistently needling at you, hitting your insecurities, deliberately trying to provoke a reaction, [grey rocking] can be really hard to do,” Lee said, “so I don’t fault anyone who gets emotional in that moment.” The technique can also take a toll on the person using it, Markley added: “Even though you don’t offer an emotional rise, it doesn’t mean you’re not feeling something.”
Consider working with a therapist
Regardless of what kind of communication strategy you use, “someone who is abusive is going to continue to be abusive,” Lee said. If you believe this describes your relationship, seek help from a mental health professional. Or, even if the situation you’re navigating isn’t necessarily abusive, therapy can help you explore whether there are more effective communication approaches, Markley said – as well as whether you might want to reconsider any kind of relationship that requires you to disengage.
“Therapy with evidence-based practices really does work,” Graham-Bermann said. “It can help people deal with the effects [of an abusive relationship], get reconnected to others, build self-esteem and self-worth, and give skills so they are able to leave and move on.”
How to get help: