Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My sister and I (both in our 30s) are very different. She’s brilliant, accomplished, and a high earner. She has a loving husband who earns even more, and three wonderful children who I adore. I’m fairly smart too, but I was born with a medical condition that has prevented me from starting a family or achieving a similar level of success as my sister. That said, I have a comfortable salary, and I love being an aunt to her kids.

Our parents are not rich, but are very supportive and generous with the money they do have. They are also a little odd, and their financial support usually comes with a caveat. They have always been concerned with treating us “fairly” despite our differences in health, ability, and circumstances. For example: If my parents and I ever go out for dinner without my sister and they pay the bill, they will give her cash in the amount they spent on me. But the way they determine “fairness” is not always equal—they have college funds for my niblings that they contribute to monthly, but as I don’t have children, I don’t receive that amount. Their reasoning is that they would give me the same amount of money if I had children, so the money is technically available to me and therefore it’s still equal. They think it was my choice to not have children, so it was my choice to forego that money. Although I don’t necessarily agree with their reasoning, I understand it, and have never complained or asked for any “extra” money.

Several years ago, our parents gave us both a substantial amount of money to be used as a down payment on a house. My sister and I bought houses in two different cities, in two very different parts of the country. A few years later, my house had tripled in value and hers had declined. She sold it at a loss and moved to a more desirable city.

Recently, I learned from my parents that before her move, my sister pressured them into giving her a cash gift in the amount of the difference between her home’s sale and the equity my home had accrued at that time. She said it was unfair that I had gained so much equity while she lost money on the sale of her house. Apparently they agreed and wrote her a check for $250,00!

I have never felt entitled to my parents’ money, or worried about what they were doing for my sister. I know I am very fortunate to have any kind of financial help. I also don’t think that I deserve more help from them because I am disabled and earn far less than my sister. But at this point, the difference in the financial help they have given my sister has reached over half a million dollars. They also seem to only stick to their “rules” when it benefits my sister.

I know that at the end of the day, it’s their money to do with what they please, and I am entitled to nothing. But my sister seems to have no problem asking my parents for money, and they have obliged. Should I bring this up with them? If I do, what is the best way to approach this conversation? Or should I just let it go, and be grateful I have parents who help me at all?

—Sister, Sister

Dear Sister, Sister,

You absolutely should bring this up with your parents. This isn’t about being entitled or ungrateful—it’s about dealing with the glaring hypocrisy in their “fairness” system.

I thought I understood your parents’ definition of fairness until we got to the part about compensating your sister for her real estate losses. Let’s be clear: Your parents compensated your sister for losing money in a real estate market downturn, which is literally just how markets work. By that logic, they should have demanded money back from you when your house tripled in value, since you benefited from circumstances beyond your control. But they didn’t, because that would be absurd. Yet somehow it’s not absurd to give your sister hundreds of thousands of dollars to make up for her bad luck?

Meanwhile, they won’t give you equivalent money for the college funds they set up for their grandchildren because you “chose” not to have children—except you didn’t choose to have a medical condition that prevented you from starting a family.

Wow. The inconsistency is breathtaking.

You asked for a script, so here’s how I’d approach this: Schedule a calm conversation with your parents. Don’t lead with anger or accusations. Say something like: “I want to understand your approach to financial fairness between Sister and me. I’ve noticed that when market forces worked in my favor with my house, no adjustments were made, but when they worked against Sister, you gave her a substantial gift to compensate. Can you help me understand how this aligns with your fairness philosophy?”

Listen carefully to their answer. They may not have fully thought through the contradictions. Be prepared to clearly articulate that their system only seems to swing in one direction. But you should also be prepared for your parents to balk at being called out when they’ve been extremely generous with you and your sibling.

Finally, although you recognize that the money is your parents to do with as they please, and you haven’t felt the need to lobby for yourself, I think you’re quite hurt at what you perceive as financial favoritism. It might help to share this with your parents. I hope it opens up the opportunity for honest conversation and a new closeness, which is exactly the sort of thing money can’t buy.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I both come from very poor families and have just barely been able to claw our way out of poverty ourselves. We met right after college in a high cost of living area in our 20s and figured as we started to put down roots that we would eventually figure things out. We were able to buy a house five years ago, at the perfect time to snag ultra-low interest rates, which has been a godsend in stabilizing our finances. Our mortgage is exactly what we were paying in rent back then and the house isn’t even a fixer upper so we haven’t had a lot of surprise expenses (knock on wood).

I don’t have any regrets about prioritizing buying the house, but we have basically nothing else besides a paid off car. We have some back tax debt, we’re both in default on our student loans, and are constantly battling down credit card debt accrual. We both have zero retirement savings at 35. I make about $70,00 a year while he makes less every year in a dying industry, maybe $30,000 this year. I’m happy with my job but I’ll probably never get anything more than a cost of living raise. Obviously he needs to make a big career change but is discouraged at every turn by the threat of AI and corporate restructuring. It’s really difficult right now to know where to invest the time, energy and tuition to retrain for new jobs. But something has to happen because we are treading water with no access to a safety net. Luckily we’ll never have kids and are estranged from our parents, so no surprise expenses except caring for ourselves, but even that feels daunting looking at the next 40ish years.

So if you were in my shoes, where would you turn your attention? The one thing I can’t entertain is selling the house as we really wouldn’t benefit from moving to a lower cost of living area at the expense of our city-oriented jobs, personal/professional communities, and the equity gains of living in a desirable area. Other than that, we’re kind of wide open on next life steps!

—Trying to Reinvent

Dear Trying to Reinvent,

Congratulations on making it as far as you have on what seems to me to be sheer will. Your smartest decision was buying your home when you did, taking advantage of historically low interest rates.

But, you’ve got to keep making good decisions to get yourselves into a different place. Here’s the path I’d follow to get to greater financial stability.

First, it’s time to clear your tax debt. The IRS doesn’t go away, and penalties and interest compound viciously. Contact the IRS immediately about a payment plan, an installment agreement,  or an Offer in Compromise if you qualify. Tax debt can result in wage garnishment and liens—it’s the fire in your house right now.

Next, you and your husband have to find a way to bring in more money, now! You could do some gig work to bring in fast cash. And, you and your husband can work to find a better paying job while he figures out his next career. He doesn’t need to find his dream job tomorrow; he needs to stop earning $30,000. Retail management, warehouse work, administrative roles—anything that gets him to $50,000 in annual income buys you breathing room and allows you to start tackling your lingering debt. He can retrain on the side, but you can’t afford for him to remain paralyzed by AI anxiety while earning poverty wages.

My Parents Gave My Sister Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars to Be “Fair.” Their Logic Makes No Sense.

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Once you’re bringing more money, it’s time to tackle your credit card debt and defaulted student loans. Keep making your minimum payments on your credit card debt while you log onto the StudentAid.gov website and read up on income-driven repayment plans or rehabilitation programs. Defaulted loans destroy your credit and can lead to garnishment. You need to get these current, even if the payments are minimal.

Do a deep dive into your spending habits and figure out if there’s any place where you can ratchet down expenses. Use any available cash to then repay your credit card debt using either the avalanche method (highest interest first) or snowball method (smallest balance first). Stop using the cards entirely if possible.

I know retirement seems impossible at this point. But I promise that you still have time to get there. Once you’ve increased your family income and stabilized the debt situation, you can start contributing enough to get an employer match (if available). At 35, you still have 30+ years for compound interest to work.

Right now, you have one person who is under-employed. Getting him a higher paying job—any job that pays more will do—is how you turn the corner on a more stable financial future.

—Ilyce

More Money Advice From Slate

My husband and I (30s) have a moderately strained relationship with my mother and stepfather (60s). They bought an RV during the COVID camping boom, didn’t like it due to the time and expense involved plus some health issues, and elected to gift it to us so we could take our young children RV camping (something we could not have afforded on our own). We were surprised and gracious, and have loved it and used it, always sending photos and videos each trip. However, it’s big, bulky, and not what we would have chosen on our own. Would it be out of line to sell it and purchase something more in line with our version of camping with the money?

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