It would be wrong to say the Ashes phony war has begun. To say that would be to imply the Ashes phony war ever ends.
Which it doesn’t. It just rumbles away at various levels of background noise no matter how close or far away an actual Ashes series might be.
A ‘But what does this mean for the Ashes?’ here, a snickering and surely deliberate misunderstanding of the phrase ‘moral victory’ there, or Pat Cummins being ruled out of the first Test of the winter for the 17th time this month, a move so suspicious that part of us still fully expects him to just George Costanza his way out to the middle for the toss on the first morning at Perth.
“Injured? Who’s injured?”
Classic Australian mind games. Bit of mental disintegration before a ball is even bowled and a stump knocked back.
So, yeah, the Ashes phony war hasn’t started this week. But there has definitely been an escalation of hostilities, with the ever calm and thoughtful West Australian newspaper apparently wildly offended by England’s players having the temerity to arrive in the country and walk through the airport.
Classic arrogant whingeing bloody Poms. Captain Ben Stokes – or Cocky Captain Complainer to give him the full and unforgivably long-winded moniker the paper has selected for hin – didn’t just walk through the airpor.
He sauntered. In the way only an arrogant, whingeing ‘Kiwi-born’ England captain can.
The headline for the genuinely front-page news that Stokes had ‘sauntered’ through the airport? BAZ BAWL.
What’s he crying about? Well, nothing, obviously, so they’ve just pretended he’s still upset about that Jonny Bairstow stumping at Lord’s, now dubbed ‘crease-gate’ despite absolutely nobody ever even once calling it that either at the time or in the two-and-a-half years since.
It’s a particularly fascinating element of Ashes combat that certain things become more important to the lore in one part of the world than the other. That stumping has definitely become a core Ashes memory for the Australians, and there’s no denying that a lot of England players and even more notably some MCC members showed their entire arses at the time in the wake of a perfectly legitimate dismissal that said far more about Bairstow than it did Alex Carey or any of the Aussies.
But the West Australian’s belief that England are still ‘smarting’ about ‘crease-gate’ doesn’t really wash. The only time any England players have mentioned it at all in the last 18 months has been to laugh about it.
Even Stuart Broad, as ever the antagonist-in-chief at the time, now chortles at his own undignified part in the whole caper.
There’s mention too of the ‘handshakegate’ at the end of the fourth Test against India in the summer, which was apparently more evidence of England’s flexible morals and interpretation of the Spirit of Cricket. Stokes and England supposedly tried to ‘bully’ India on that occasion.
We have to ask Australia what they think actually happened at the end of that match? We know they didn’t actually watch it, and our suspicion is that a large number of Australians now believe that rather than trying to end the game early because no positive result was possible, England were instead pushing to end the game early to avoid an embarrassing defeat. Which is really more of a Michael Clarke trick.
Of course, even responding at all to such an obvious display of sh*thousery as this front page is to grant it the very attention it craves, like a toddler scribbling on the wall. But there is a certain level of cringe in these matters that is unique to Aussie tabloids.
We’re not saying the British tabloids are any less puerile, but it never feels quite so entirely witless or guileless.
And the British tabloids would at least decide on a style for the word ‘Bazball’ and stick to it, rather than have two different yet equally incorrect attempts on the same front page. It’s been over three years, chaps, and everyone calls it Bazball. It’s not Baz Ball, or Baz-Ball.
We did like ‘the crazed brand of careless and carefree thrash batting’ as a second mention, though. Like Cocky Captain Complainer, it may not have brevity on its side but it’s certainly a fun collection of words.
Part of the West Australian’s problem appears to be that Stokes thinks England can actually win in Australia over what promises to be a long, tiring and tiresome two months. We do sort of agree with them.
England’s record in Ashes series in Australia when they arrive with anything less than a truly champion side that has actually channelled its obsession with this series above all others into meaningful warm-up matches in preparation is, as we all know, horrific.
This team has its charms, but they are an inconsistent and unreliable collection, with Australia the one place on earth where even the uber-reliable Joe Root has valid questions to answer.
They probably won’t win. They probably won’t get close. Which is a shame, because this is an ageing Australia squad who could absolutely be vulnerable to a better and more consistent opponent than England will provide.
But at the same time, what’s Stokes supposed to be saying at this point? What we’ve just said there? That there’s basically no hope?
We’re sure the West Australian would be applauding his honesty there and not saying Loser Captain Complainer gives up before series even begins.
There’s still two weeks of this discourse to get through before the action begins and it will only get worse.
The problem, as ever, with all Ashes discourse is that both teams are as hypocritical as each other, every accusation a confession and projection.
Absolutely everything both sides say about the other can be summed up with one Homer Simpson quote: “But when I do it, it’s cute.”
They’re both as bad as each other, really. But Australia somehow still manage to be worse.
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