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And now it’s time to wrap up. What a series this has been. Next year’s series, both civilian and famous, can’t come soon enough. And now I’m done for the night. Thank you for joining me, all.
And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Alan Carr has apologised to Paloma Faith. Peace in our time.
This is a masterclass of a post-match interview, and I am absolutely not doing it justice. Please go and watch it when you can, because it feels like we’re watching Alan Carr become a national treasure in real time.
His biggest regret, he says, is killing off Tom Daley, because it prevented the nation from seeing any more gratuitous shots of Tom Daley in the show.
And now he’s onstage with everyone else. He’s tanned, and he’s had a haircut, like the winner that he is. He’s more relaxed and confident now, and can even laugh off the infamous Paloma Faith murder, and how it fuelled his quest for blood.
Alan is proud of himself, he says, because now he has discovered that he can convincingly lie. I’m not sure that should really be the moral of a primetime BBC One reality show, but we get what we deserve.
And now to Alan. First we see him immediately post-win, where he still hasn’t processed the sheer level of deception he managed to deploy. But he does reveal that he expected to do so badly that his agent booked gigs for him during the second week of the show.
We are watching him achieve national treasure status in real time … Alan Carr. Photograph: BBC/Studio Lambert/Paul ChappellsShare
Updated at 17.54 EST
For all the bonhomie on show here, Joe is still extremely narked off about losing. Apparently on rewatching the finale, he shouted ‘SCUMBAGS’ at Nick and David. God bless that man and his absolute lack of showbiz insincerity.
Nick’s takeaway is that he was the wrongest contestant on the entire series. Ed Gamble politely disagrees and suggests that David was actually the wrongest contestant. All the while, Kate Garraway gets to have a nice sit down in the audience.
And now the finalists are onstage to dissect the climax of the series. Joe is dressed like a normal person again, and I am personally very disappointed.
I’ve just noticed that Paloma Faith has one hundred percent Single White Femaled Claudia Winkleman tonight. I hope that comes up later.
Claudia Winkleman has turned up in an ‘I HEART ALAN’ shirt. She’s talking through the finale, during which her knees were apparently knocking together with fear. She also points out that the game is much harder to play than to watch, which I’ve decided to take personally.
The spin-off starts with all the contestants watching Alan win. They gasp, then they cry. Celebrities, they’re just like us.