Transferring money management over from parent to child will often require multiple conversations.Krisada tepkulmanont/Getty Images
Canada’s population is rapidly aging. The Globe and Mail’s Aging Well series explores the country’s longevity economy, how people are living healthier and happier lives as they age and how to support older adults.
Janet Gray’s 94-year-old mother is blessed with a crew of professionals supporting her independence at home. A cleaner comes in regularly, a driver takes her to medical appointments, and she sees a physiotherapist and an osteopath to keep her nimble.
Gray, an Ottawa-based certified financial planner and money coach with expertise in geriatric clients, calls this network “Team Marilyn,” named after her mom. And she’s become a key member herself – by taking over the lion’s share of the financial responsibilities.
There is, however, one task her mom refuses to surrender: Reviewing a paper copy of her monthly bank statement. “Parents want to cling to this independence because it’s one of the only things they have left,” Gray said. “And our job is to help them to still be the independent and mature adults they’ve earned the right to be.”
Still, if unpaid bills are collecting dust or their fridge is often empty, it could be a sign someone’s mental or physical health is declining and they need more help. Many Canadians know that supporting aging parents extends beyond snow shovelling, meal preparation and other daily living tasks. Sometimes it means managing their finances when they can no longer do so effectively on their own – from paying monthly bills to acting as power of attorney with complete authority over every financial decision.
Thoughts for people who love managing their money, but worry about advancing age
According to Statistics Canada, in 2022, 43 percent of caregivers of adults managed the finances. An Ontario Securities Commission (OSC) report states that adult children are increasingly playing a role in their parents’ financial affairs, particularly after they reach age 85.
Older adults – especially those experiencing cognitive decline – may need help navigating a more complex financial landscape and a rise in sophisticated scams that can easily drain their accounts.
Yet, discussing money management with aging parents can feel fraught. While some parents welcome support, others – 25 per cent, according to the OSC – say they believe their money is nobody else’s business. Adult children may also be hesitant to get involved in their parents’ money matters, unsure if they have sufficient financial expertise, or worried they’ll appear greedy.
So how to broach the subject without causing a family feud? With some planning and sensitivity, experts say families can protect aging parents’ financial interests while still respecting their dignity.
Choose your moment wisely
Let’s face it, declaring your intention to get involved in your parents’ money matters over a big holiday dinner is probably a recipe for disaster.
Gray recommends finding a quiet time without distractions or scheduling the conversation for when everyone is most sharp. (In other words, if dad snoozes at 2 p.m., opt for a morning chat.) Turn off the radio, television and phones, and if the conversation veers off on a tangent, be prepared to gently bring it back.
Have a script ready to start things off
With so many emotions and beliefs in the mix, Gray said it’s a good idea to go into the conversation with a few ideas about what to say. She suggests starting with something like, “You know, I’m here to support you in the best way I can. I don’t want to create more confusion, but I’d be very appreciative if you’d allow me to help you in this way because you’ve helped me so much in the past.”
Hannah McVean, a certified financial planner with Objective Financial Partners Inc., in Squamish, B.C., said some people find talking about their mortality truly upsetting or distasteful. “It’s probably best to acknowledge that this is really uncomfortable,” she said. “You can start the conversation with, ‘Hey, I know this is going to be uncomfortable, but I want to make sure we’re ready in case something ever happened.’”
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Another option Gray suggests is to use a theoretical situation to get everyone thinking. You might say “My friend’s dad had a stroke and now no one can access his bank account. What do you think about that?”
Keep the tone non-confrontational and if things get heated, take a break and revisit the conversation another day. In fact, transferring money management over will often require multiple conversations.
Keep it simple, at least at first
Unless a parent is suddenly unable to handle their own monetary affairs, undertaking small tasks such as bill payments is a good way to build trust, McVean said. “It’s pretty straightforward and doesn’t require a big time commitment.”
For Gray, who wanted to meet her mother’s banking team and eventually become her power of attorney, she started by asking if she could drive her mom to the bank. Then, if she could accompany her inside. She soon made connections with the professionals handling the accounts and became part of her mom’s financial inner circle.
Take a collaborative and individualized approach
Daniel Clarke, the Whitby, Ont.-based founder of Elderado, a website that helps people find long-term care and retirement homes in Ontario, has seen the difference between families who are proactive and collaborative – and those who discuss finances only when there’s a crisis. Having a general understanding of a parent’s financial landscape early can make the transition smoother later.
Still, not everyone will need assistance managing their finances. Clarke points to his own grandfather who, at 98, still lives at home and is sharper than people half his age. But if that ever changes? The family would find a way to help while respecting his wishes, he explains.
“At the end of the day, it’s about what he wants or what’s best for him,” he said. “It’s not about projecting what we would want in that situation.”