Brendan Fevola has broken his silence around mental health. And his message is powerful but simple: It’s “courageous” — “not weak” — to speak up if you’re struggling.
The AFL great has been to hell and back with his own battles that saw him spend 70 days in a mental health clinic at the age of 29. Or as he described it, “bobbling right at the bottom of that s**t pile.”
Fevola, who played 204 games for Carlton and Brisbane, has come out the other side and is even back in AFL clubland in a specialist coaching role for Richmond’s AFLW team.
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As part of Fevola’s push for conversations around mental health to become more common in households, the 44-year old thinks it’s time for the AFL to introduce a mental health round to promote more discussion.
The two-time Coleman medallist is getting behind Medibank’s Family Roast on Sunday July 20 — a day dedicated to bringing all kinds of families together to encourage deeper connections through conversations — and the Family Roast cards — a conversation tool designed to help cultivate meaningful chats around the dinner table.
Below foxfooty.com.au spoke with Fevola on a range of topics including his own struggles and how he got through tough times, Family Roast and breaking stigma around mental health.
Brendan Fevola has taken a specialist coaching role at Richmond AFLW. Picture: Richmond FC.Source: Leader
Q: Tell me about your involvement in the launch of The Family Roast?
BF: It’s important, especially with our generation. It was sort of frowned upon to speak about our emotions growing up as kids. Our parents would say: ‘Toughen up’. Especially in the footy world. In my early years something would happen and it was always, ‘you need to toughen up’ and ‘footy players are meant to be tough’ and all that sort of stuff. Being able to have these Family Roast cards, I’ve played it with my wife Alex and my girls. We all sat around and answered questions. It’s really important for your kids to know how you’re feeling and for parents to know how your kids are feeling in this day and age. It’s something that doesn’t get spoken about enough at home. You go about your business. I’ve got four daughters – two adult kids and two kids under the age of 18. People are in and out and everywhere and have busy lives, but you never really sit down all together and chat about these things, especially the raw emotions. It’s pretty important to spread the word that this is not a conversation that’s a harmful one, it’s a conversation that can help families progress and help families understand each other.
Q: The research says 26% of Australians would be most surprised to hear their fathers talk about mental wellbeing. Why do you think men specifically struggle so much to open up?
BF: I think it goes back to growing up. You were told you were weak if you told your mates, your dad, your brother or your uncle or whoever about your feelings. You felt like they’d think you’re less of a man or less of a person because you feel something you shouldn’t be feeling as a bloke. I kept everything inside through my battles 15 years ago. Once you open up, it’s a bloody big relief. I see it at home where my wife will speak to my sister for an hour and talk some s**t. Whereas I speak to my brother for about 30 seconds: ‘Hey mate, what are you doing? Yep, cool man. Do you want to catch up? Yeah, sweet, I’ll call you’. And that’s it and you hang up. You don’t really have those conversations like: ‘How are you feeling, mate?’ It feels uncomfortable, because it’s not something we’ve grown up with. In this day and age, you need to ring up a mate and see how they’re going. Have these chats with your family members and your dad and your wife and your brother and your sister and whoever. Especially your kids, to make them feel comfortable about opening up and expressing. Being a dad to four girls, it can be hard for girls to come to dads with their problems. But you can have that healthy conversation around the dinner table. It makes everyone feel more comfortable and you know where everyone is at. I suppose this is pretty prevalent in the sporting world, especially in blokes footy. If someone is struggling they can have the courage to say: ‘Hey mate, I’m not going well’. For you to be able to react to that and help them out, instead of blowing it off and saying: ‘Nah, toughen up mate. We’ll go have a beer, that will fix everything’. That was the answer 20 years ago. But in this day and age that’s not the answer. You’ve got to make sure you let your mates know you’re there for them no mater what. Speaking about your feelings and emotions is not weak; if you have problems, don’t be afraid to open up, because it take courage to talk about your feelings. I felt uncomfortable talking to my family about things a long time ago. But now everything is out on the table. It helps when things go wrong or someone is feeling a bit down, you can support them.
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Q: The research also states only 7% of Aussies openly speak about mental health at home, yet over 60% want to speak about it more. Why do you think it’s such a taboo topic in households?
BF: I’m not a doctor, but Medibank has done a great job here. Because there’s a lot of platforms now like R U OK? Day and that sort of stuff. But this is actually getting the family involved. It’s a fun game, you pick up the cards and some of the questions you think, ‘oh god!’, and it puts everyone on the spot. You speak about your raw emotions. Of my daughters, I’ve got a 25-year old, a 19-year old, a 15-year old and a six-year old – there’s a few generations there and we can pass it down to our kids. Get that 7% up to 20% and 50% and 70% and all of a sudden everyone is talking about it. I think people in general would be happier. A lot of people carry around a lot of burdens and don’t want to speak about it. If it’s publicised and portrayed as something that’s not weak and if you can be shown it’s courageous and that’s what makes things better, this whole stigma can move. I was just watching the Sopranos and the families are the bosses and the kids get told what to do and don’t have a say on anything. That’s not how we want our kids to live, that’s a generational thing. Hopefully in the years to come we’re not talking about R U OK? Day or Medibank cards, because we’re talking about things generically. That’s the goal.
Fevola with his Carlton teammatesSource: News Limited
Q: You’ve been very open about your mental health battles in the past. How has your family helped support you through those tough times?
BF: They’ve been huge. I still don’t know why my wife, Alex, is with me. There’s a reason why people hit rock bottom. You don’t really talk about what’s going on, we wait until it’s grim and people find out and sometimes that’s too late to get things back on track and fix whatever has gone wrong in your life or with your family, your career or your money. If you open up early and talk about it, you can push through those things and try and work things out. I waited until it got grim, I was in a mental clinic for 70 days. I hit rock bottom. But I had the support of Alex and the girl. They can see when I’m down and we talk about it. That’s a big help. If they didn’t know what I was feeling back then, they probably wouldn’t know now and wouldn’t see the signs. It’s really important to have a solid foundation with your family. Alex has pretty much guided me through and made me into the person I am now. It was pretty important to have those connections to fall back to and help guide me through that stuff. It’s a tough one, because not everyone has that family support, it might just be a friend or someone you can confide in. But no doubt having that support was huge and I wouldn’t be in the position I am now without the support of my family.
Q: You mentioned hitting rock bottom and spending time in a mental clinic. How do you reflect on those experiences now given how well you’ve been able to turn things around?
BF: Obviously living the high life and playing footy, then being in Brisbane and getting sacked in a mental clinic, that was probably rock bottom. Knowing my career was over. I was laying in a hospital bed in the clinic thinking: ‘S**t, I’ve got nothing. I’ve got no education, I don’t have a trade. What am I going to do? How am I going to support my family?’ I had no money, all that sort of stuff. An old coach used to say: ‘You’ve got to swim through the s**t to get to the clear water’. I was bobbling right at the bottom of that s**t pile. To finally get my head a bit above that s**t and to be in the clear water and have a clear head and a focus on family and work. It was an integral part of getting over the mental issues I had. Being able to get out of that and do certain things now like working in radio, I didn’t think any of that was possible back then. I thought everything was going to be grim and didn’t know what was going to happen, thinking: ‘How am I going to eat? How am I going to pay for rent?’ 15 years later to be able to provide a roof to live under with the family and just live. It’s a big burden off your shoulders. I don’t see myself as a role model, the only reason I speak about it is because I’m a blokey bloke and everyone knows that. I love a beer, I love having fun and playing footy and punching on on the footy ground and doing what I do. For blokes to see me talk about it, they might have issues and it might encourage them to speak up to someone else. As many interviews as I do or how many times I talk about it on radio, if it can change one person’s life, I think that’s a success. We’ll keep pushing it and hopefully blokes who are the blokey blokes and don’t like to talk, they might read this article or might see the Medibank Family Roast cards or see something online someone said and it that might trigger something for them to say: ‘Hey, I’m going through that same situation. S**t, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I should talk to someone, because Fev did it or Johnno did it. I can do that too.’ We can inspire the young generations, but it’s not just the generation either. People my age are going through all sorts of different stuff. If you can speak up about it, that’s a job well done.
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Q: Do you think some are embarrassed to speak out about their problems in fear of being pigeonholed as just another person playing the mental health card?
BF: I don’t think so. When I was going through my issues, I didn’t tell anyone, no one knew about anything. I was just my happy go lucky sort of dude and laughing at everything. When I was by myself was obviously when I let my emotions out. No one saw that and I felt I didn’t want to say anything because I thought people would think I was weak. I was a footballer, had a great job earning great money with this idea that life is perfect. The outside people see that. I thought if I came out and said I had problems, people would think I was kidding myself. But I think it has changed now as more people speak about it. Mental health isn’t just when you hit rock bottom, it can be something tiny. And if you don’t speak about it it’ll turn into a big thing. I encourage anyone going through anything – whether it’s low-grade riddle or rock bottom – speak up. People can say whatever they want when someone does speak up, like: ‘You’re just joining the bandwagon’. But at the end of the day the people who love you and respect and care about you are the ones who are going to be there. The people who don’t will fall by the wayside. I had that. When I went through my stuff, I had mates I’m not mates with anymore. And I’ve got mates I didn’t think were mates who stood by me and helped me through stuff. Don’t ever be afraid to speak up to anyone about your feelings because of what you think they’re going to think of you. At the end of the day your loved ones will always be there. I found that out.
Fevola during his playing days for Brisbane Pic Darren England.Source: Supplied
Q: You’ve spoken about how you were embarrassed to discuss your issues during your playing days and used to cry to yourself in the car driving home. How did you cope with it back then?
BF: I clearly didn’t – ending up in a mental clinic! But I’d mask it. Footy was my happy place. I was always at the footy club, and if I didn’t have footy god, knows what would’ve happened. I used to always hang around the footy club, I’d be there all day. I made excuses to be there like playing table tennis, because I didn’t want to go home or didn’t want to face anything outside the club. That was sort of my sanctuary because I loved going to the footy club and it made me happy and it was something I’d been doing since I was a kid. I felt like I was little kid when I was playing, kicking a pig skin Sherrin around an oval every day of the week. It was the best job in the world. That was my happy place.
Q: Do you think that stigma of potentially not being comfortable talking openly about mental health wellbeing is still the case at AFL clubs? Or is it becoming common to be more open?
BF: It’s a great question, because I’m not in that men’s footy world at the moment. I feel it’s turning, especially with coaches and this young generation. If they had coaches I had back in the day, they’d be ruining careers. I think the way coaches talk to players now is very sensitive and some might say ‘softer’. But I think it’s a great way to speak to players and for the players to be able to respond to coaches. Not every player can respond to a coach. It’s very hard for coaches, they’ve got 44 blokes with different personalities and different things going on in their lives and families that have been brought up different. Being a coach is a bloody tough caper, I tell ‘ya. They’ve got to be able to massage all their players to be able to perform on the weekend. If they can generate the trust with the playing group to have these conversations, I think it would go a hell of a long way to helping success on the field. Some players take that burden out on the ground, some players take it to the club and other players don’t know what’s going on. If you can have all these open discussions with all your teammates, they’ll know what’s going on and can be there for you. The most important thing at a footy club is your teammates. If you can be open and honest with them and share your feelings, I think that makes a better environment and especially on the footy field where you connect better. It happens a lot with the Richmond AFLW team, everyone gets around and talks. I think it’s a great environment to have and hopefully the boys are doing the same thing. I feel like they are and that stigma around the footy club of, ‘you’re weak, you can’t do that, blah blah blah’, I don’t think that happens anymore. I’d be pretty surprised if it did.
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Q: It’s unfortunately topical in the AFL with both current players and past following a number of tragic passings including the Selwood twins, which I’m sure is close to home for you having played with Troy. How much of an issue is it for the AFL in your mind?
BF: It’s a big issue. The mental health barrier doesn’t really get spoken about enough in the AFL, does it? It would be great if we could get a mental health round. Make it all about speaking about it and players, coaches and the AFL get around it. That would be a big step. Something like that each year and people who have gone through experiences can go talk to the clubs and educate the players on mental health and what it means to speak up and what could happen if it doesn’t get spoken about. The AFL should hone in on something like that and make a big deal of it, because it is a big deal. You don’t want to be losing ex-AFL players or AFL players along the way. You want to be able to be there for them and you want the AFL community to rally behind each other and help each other. Especially with the older players, we didn’t have this sort of chat when we were younger. It does become more prevalent when a player loses his life through mental health. To be able to execute something like that in a round – they have every other round – so why not make a mental heath round? At the end of the day in the AFL, it’s men and boys playing footy. If they could put something around mental health, I think that will go a long way in getting people to speak up a lot more. Especially in country footy, it happens a lot more. They don’t spend every minute of every day with each other like the AFL boys do. The country boys go out and work and go to training two days a week and play on a Saturday. There’s a lot of issues that go on at country footy. If they could have one whole week about mental health along with country footy, AFLW and men’s footy, I think that’d be amazing.
Q: Finally, I’m sure there would be people reading this who are struggling but haven’t spoken about it openly. If you had a message to them and a message to your younger self, what would it be?
BF: Speak about your feelings and don’t be afraid of what people will think. I bottled it up and once and when I told the person I told first, it was a big weight lifted off my shoulders. I thought: ‘Righto, now it’s time to get better, fix it and be happy’. If I could tell myself that back then, I would’ve. At the end of the day, the people who will help you and want to listen are the people who love you and want to be your mates. It takes courage to speak up, it’s not weak or a burden on anyone else. People want to help you. If they know what’s going on, it also helps their mental health because sometimes they don’t know what’s going on with you and understand why you’re acting a certain way. If everyone is upfront and open, everyone is going to be in a better mind space.