Over the weekend, I had the misfortune of stumbling across TalkTV’s ‘Grumpy Old Men’ programme on YouTube (well, I say ‘stumbled, Dan sent it to me, the eejit).
In case, you’ve been lucky enough to avoid it, the premise is fairly simple: three, you guessed it, ageing men get together, backed by a laughingly bad faux pub green screen, to complain about things. And shout a lot. And tell terrible jokes. On the internet.
First up, there’s Jeremy Kyle, a man who made his name by shouting at working-class people on daytime TV – a show, you may remember, that was once described by a judge as “human bear-baiting” and later pulled from production following the suicide of a guest.
Next, there’s Ash Gould, brother of sports and politics broadcaster Jonny Gould. And finally, hosting the whole thing is Mark Wogan, the son of the late, great Irish TV and radio legend Terry Wogan. Nepotism is alive and well.
The running order was classic TalkTV angry nonsense stuff. They spent most of the 23 minutes on air complaining about apps, security trays at airports, fancy food in restaurants, and having to pay for shopping bags (seriously, what year is this?).
So, naturally, we were always going to end up on cycle lanes at some point.
Segueing seamlessly from complaining about escalators in tube stations, and the suggestion that commuters could pay to use the ‘fast side’ to bypass those standing more easily, Wogan Jnr came up the idea that motorists should also be able to do the same thing: pay extra to use an additional fast lane.
“All those bike lanes that Sadiq Khan put in, we could use those!” he said, eliciting a long and audible groan from Mr Kyle at the mere mention of cycling infrastructure.
“Or celebrity lanes… if you are famous, you can go in the bike lane in your car. And just wave at people and be pleased to see you.”
That jokey transport policy suggestion (or at least I hope he was joking), obviously led to some classic blokey chat about Holly Willoughby, Philip Schofield, and the Queen’s funeral. Which probably means it wouldn’t be the best idea.
> “Do you pay road tax?” GB News host admits he jumps red lights while cycling
Anyway, believe it or not, some of TalkTV’s listeners weren’t overly enamoured at the suggestion that cycle lanes – whether the work of Boris Johnson or Sadiq Khan – had “ruined” London.
“The Netherlands and other European countries have embraced cycle lanes and are not ruined,” said fleetfut in the comments.
“Most people who drive in London WANT to, but they don’t need to,” added David, while Collins claimed: “Cycle lanes are the least of London’s problems” (probably best for all of us not to unpick that statement).
Of course, this isn’t the first time Jeremy Kyle has joined in with a game of anti-cycling bingo.
Back in 2022, while standing in for Piers Morgan on his ‘Uncensored’ TalkTV show (out of the frying pan and into the fire, eh?), Kyle jumped on a stationary bike for a mega rant about cyclists.
“How do you get to use the highways with no licence, no insurance, and without paying any tax, and with absolutely no speed limit? The answer is, of course, as easy as riding a bike…” he started.
“This is the only time ever you’ll see me doing this. I get irrationally angry about cyclists, I mean it. Don’t come near me, I’m a cycle-path.”
For the next minute-and-a-half Kyle then recited the greatest “what’s not to loathe?” anti-cycling hits: cyclists “dressing up like the Tour de France”, the “chaingangs…riding side by side, whilst us tax-paying motorists queue behind getting later and later and more irate”, “your Jeremy Vines, with more cameras than Kodak, picking fights and running red lights”… And on, and on.
Strangely, as if to prove his point, Talk TV then ran a tape showing close passes, motorists hitting cyclists, road rage violence, and a driver about to run a red light… There you go, Jeremy.