What if Valentine’s Day week wasn’t just about flowers and dinner reservations? What if you did something that really shows you care: Have a possibly uncomfortable conversation about money. As an investment researcher married to a normie, here’s what I suggest couples talk about and strategies for a successful conversation. I’ve included comments that touch on these questions from various guests on episodes of Morningstar’s The Long View podcast.
1. Are We on Track With Our Budget?
Scrutinize spending: Budget talk can be a source of stress and disagreement, but checking in on saving and spending is worthwhile. If it helps, pretend it’s someone else’s budget so that you can view it dispassionately: “Hey, look, ‘Sam’ and ‘Bill’ have a really good deal on their cellphone service!”
Look at a year’s worth of numbers to see where the money is going and where you might cut back. For example, memberships and subscriptions can easily add up, especially the ones that auto-renew. And do you really need all the streaming services? Are you maybe eating out too often while food goes to waste in the fridge?
Evaluate and strategize about savings: How much do you have, and is saving automated? Discuss whether you can buy a house, go on vacation, or pay off the mortgage. Think about whether you need a college savings plan. Are you saving enough for retirement in your 401(k)s or other retirement accounts? Are you giving to charities the way you want?
Behave and think like a team: To make the process less fraught, talk about it as a way to make sure your future together is on track. You can even make these budget sessions enjoyable. At a conference a few years ago, Betterment’s Dan Egan suggested “temptation bundling.” He and his wife have regular “admin nights,” and after they’re done with finances, they go out for a cocktail. That can make it more likely you’ll stay on top of mundane but important financial details.
2. What Does ‘Enough’ Mean to You Right Now?
Listen closely: The answer could be about money or something else. Some people say that if they have their family, and everyone is healthy, that’s enough. Others might want to switch careers, get promoted, or retire early.
Ask follow-up questions: If one of you says something’s missing, “That opens the door to the conversation of, ‘Well, what is it that you’re not feeling content with?’” says Heather Boneparth, who, with her husband, Doug, wrote Money Together: How to Find Fairness in Your Relationship and Become an Unstoppable Financial Team. “And if it is a material thing, then you’ve got to dig a little deeper and say, ‘Well, why is that so important to you? And what can we do to get us there?’”
3. How Can We Be More Open and Collaborative With Money?
Be honest about debts: If you have $150,000 in student loans but your partner doesn’t, they need to know that’s part of your financial picture. Maybe one of you takes a smaller share of the monthly household expenses for a while to pay down that debt. But don’t hold that over each other’s heads long term. Think: “We’re in this together.”
Talk about joint versus separate accounts: Research shows that “couples that join their finances together and operate as a team tend to do better overall,” says Doug Boneparth.
One behavioral scientist who studied this is Scott Rick, an associate professor of marketing at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business: “We did an experiment with engaged and newlywed couples who had separate accounts … and what we found was that the couples we prompted to open and use a joint account, they maintained their newlywed level of relationship satisfaction.” That said, other setups can work, too. Do what’s right for you.
Don’t hide spending: Again, you’re a team, and you want to be able to trust each other. If you’re covering up expenses because you think your partner wouldn’t approve, that’s a problem. (This is your chance to come clean about all the shopping you’ve done while scrolling Instagram.)
Keep in mind that covering up spending is not the same as having guilt-free discretionary funds. As Rick says, there’s room for each person to have their separate accounts: “Do I want to buy a latte at work? Or do I want to buy something for whatever hobby I have? That can be done through a separate account. And my spouse doesn’t need to see all the line-by-line details.”
Nevertheless, your personal account shouldn’t be secret, “because in a relationship, financial infidelity, it is devastating. Finances are one of the most intimate things that exist in a relationship,” says Ramit Sethi, a personal finance expert and author.
Divide and decide: If one of you is doing day-to-day tasks like paying bills, and the other one handles investing, you should still be making decisions together. For any separate accounts, you should both know how to access them. I recommend that the more financially involved/savvy spouse put together an annual household net worth statement detailing individual and joint assets and debts, and then walk through it together at least once a year.
“When my wife and I started seriously talking about money, it would have been really easy for me to become the money person,” Sethi says. “But I insisted that we both participate. One, I want her to know everything about money. Because one day I’m getting hit by a bus. Number two, I need a second set of eyes. I don’t always make the best decisions. I need a partner in this, somebody who we can check each other. We can ask each other good questions. And then third, honestly, it’s just more fun.”
4. Do You Feel That the Work We Each Do—Paid or Unpaid—Is Valued Fairly?
Avoid a power imbalance: Talk about caregiving and household labor as real and important contributions to the family. If one person makes more—or all—the money, that doesn’t mean the other one should do all the chores and childcare to “make up” for it. That can lead to resentment.
This is another area where a joint account could help. It can “blur income differences, push it out of our minds as much as possible. If one person’s working and perhaps the other one is staying home with young children, … you just want it to be in the background. It’s our money,” Rick says.
5. What Are the Common Goals for Our Future Together?
Share your vision: How would you spend your ideal day during the next phase of life? Maybe one of you wants to volunteer in the community, while the other yearns to travel the world. This is the time to figure out how to sync up your goals and ideas. How much time will you spend together when you’re not working outside the home anymore? Do you want to move? Do you picture a house, condo, motor home, or retirement community?
You may not agree on everything, but the conversation will help each of you understand what your partner really wants and clarify what a shared future might look like.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Valentina Djeljosevic contributed to this article.