After spending hours mocking women’s affordable footwear in drunken scenes, a Married At First Sight bride is confronted by the experts on Sunday night only to excuse herself for the bathroom before disappearing forever – which is great because we can only assume she’s now deep in the sewer along with her attitude.
Welcome to the Mean Girls apology tour. Everyone has prepared statements. Some are crying. Most are lying.
Then an expert says something true and one bride immediately remembers she needs to use the toilet. That toilet apparently leads directly to the car park … and then the freeway … and then back to the Gold Coast.
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It’s the morning after the drunken dinner party, where recent quitter Brook made a surprise return and recruited Gia and Bec to attack the other wives.
We find Alissa crying in the bathroom about being called a “ratchet idiot” with questionable hair extensions.
“Brook is bullying,” she sobs while thinking back over the hours of vitriol that was spewed at her.
Meanwhile, Brook is in her own suite explaining she didn’t have a plan for last night – she just approached it with the kind of frivolity one might apply to a last minute weekend trip to Fiji.
“The funny thing is … I just thought I’d surprise everyone and see where the night takes me,” she beams to us.
Turns out, the night took her directly to a three-hour seminar on why faux leather is unacceptable – and she anointed herself the keynote speaker.
She’s confused by the upset reaction.
“You can hear it in the hallways – everyone’s crying and shit,” she sighs, as if the wailing and sobbing is just atmospheric noise, like rain on a tin roof.
She then attempts to spin the narrative: SHE wasn’t the problem. She was simply DEFENDING herself, after being pummelled with lies and slander.
“Being called a bully, I then react to that. I don’t regret having a voice and speaking my opinion,” she says.
You’re a real trooper, Brook.
It’s one of many excuses she has given. The others are more typical: those conniving producers allowed her to get drunk so, really, THEY’RE the ones who are responsible for what unfolded.
Though in the harsh morning light, as the sun beams through the windows of Trash Tower, Brook doesn’t seem hungover – which either means she has the constitution of a dock worker or the whole drunk excuse is as fake as the leather on the Target stripper boots she was shaming Alissa about.
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The commitment ceremony kicks off with a flurry of apologies. Bec goes first – not because she’s the most remorseful, but because she’s hoping to get ahead of the lecture by admitting wrongdoing early. Nice tactic: pleading guilty to get a lighter sentence.
Then Gia takes her turn.
“Firstly, I wanna apologise to the entire group,” she announces.
As a woman who proudly confesses to having “fake lips, fake teeth, fake tits”, we think she can add this apology to the list of things about her that aren’t real.
Expert John Aiken cuts through it immediately: “Your behaviour last night was ugly. It was mean.”
Gia’s defence? She had a fight with Scott before the dinner party where she told him that she “can get any guy” she wants, so really, screaming about other women’s hair extensions was just … “self-sabotage”? The logic isn’t entirely clear.
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There’s also some he-said-she-said drama about whether Danny told Gia she’s his type, but honestly? We really don’t care. Bec’s sobbing, Danny’s denying, Gia’s swearing on her daughter’s life – it’s all very tedious and we can’t help but think Bec gets a total adrenaline rush from being at the centre of a mess like this.
We’re only here for the main event: seeing Brook get scolded by the experts and punished with a lifetime of modelling unflattering outfits in the Best & Less catalogue.
“I’m extremely sorry for my actions last night. I feel so much guilt and regret today,” she says, like a high school girl being forced by the teacher to apologise to her victims.
She then tries to take some stink off herself by reminding everyone of her husband Chris’ misogynistic and fatphobic remarks.
“There’s things and actions Chris has done that I can’t move past,” she insists, clutching her pearls.
Girl. After last night, Chris is an angel. A fatphobic angel. But still an angel by comparison.
Finally, expert Mel Schilling jumps in to deliver an Aaron Sorkin-style monologue that zones in on the contradiction that has been frustrating us all week.
“I’m gonna share an observation with you, Brook,” she begins. “You had a problem with how Chris spoke about women in his audition video. I’m reflecting on last night and the way YOU spoke to women.”
Brook cuts her off. “I’ve taken full accountability.”
Mel ignores her and powers on. “Can you see how that’s a little bit at odds with the attitude you’re having towards Chris?”
Brook uses all her energy to not roll her eyes. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat while trying to bite her tongue. But she can’t resist. She’s not sorry. And she’s dying to shirk the blame.
“It was a tough week and I wasn’t feeling myself,” she snips.
Then Mel builds up to her crescendo: “I’ve gotta say, in all my years working on Married At First Sight, I have never experienced a woman being so vicious towards other women. It was relentless. And to continue doing that for several hours without barely taking a breath, it was vicious.”
The camera cuts to Brook. “Hmm,” she grunts. Then? Without acknowledging anything that has just been said, she stands up.
“I’m gonna go to the toilet,” she says.
She teeters out of the room. Time passes slowly. Everyone waits. And waits. The experts grow impatient and start walking around the warehouse, sharing irritated mumbles with the crew.
Suddenly, John Aiken gets an urgent update. He returns to the couch and leans over to Mel Schilling, muttering something in her ear.
“Brook’s bailed,” he says, barely hiding his disdain. “She’s not coming back. She has decided to do a runner.”
And just like that, Brook – along with her bad attitude and dreams of a modelling career – are flushed down the toilet.
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