Last year, Claire decided to take a break from her marriage.
She moved into a small second dwelling on the property she shares with her husband on the New South Wales coast.
“After almost five decades together, I just decided it’s what I want,” says Claire, not her real name, aged in her 60s.
“I feel selfish, but I am truly happy for the first time in a while. I am doing all the things I want to do, without my husband quizzing me on everything.”
She reached out to us after reading the ABC’s story on marriage sabbaticals, and says she doesn’t plan on moving back into the main house anytime soon — if ever.
We spoke with Claire about her relationship restructure and how it’s playing out.
These are her words.
Women on taking a marriage break
It had been coming for a while
About a decade ago I took myself off for a work opportunity interstate.
I initially did six months, but ended up staying for two years. I thoroughly enjoyed the sense of freedom and adventure that came with that, and doing all the things I like to do.
And over the years, neither my husband nor I have been completely happy.
I was prepared to do something about that. Moving into our second dwelling felt like a very gentle way to transition into something I’m more comfortable with.
I knew he wouldn’t be happy about it, but he wasn’t surprised either.
We’ve been in separate bedrooms for years now, and I just love having my own space.
I’ve always loved the smaller dwelling as I’m not into housework.
I have my own house and my own garden. We’re even separated by a fence.
If the gate is closed, or my blinds are drawn, he knows not to come in.
We still cook for each other a few nights a week and eat together at either place.
What creative ways have helped you restructure your long-term relationship to find more space or freedom? Share with us
I come and go as I want
My husband has many wonderful qualities, but he likes to know my comings and goings. Why did I get home late? That kind of thing.
I respect that he worries, but he has had to back off now.
There’s no asking what time I’ll be home. I come and go as I want to.
Not that I get up to anything I shouldn’t, but I feel freer.
I go to the beach, yoga, other activities, but he loves to be around home.
I’m not interested in another relationship — but I’ve told him if that changes for him, fine. My girlfriends are all I need.
Men my age want a woman to look after them. But that’s not my role.
My friends and I are out there carving it up, doing what we want to do.
While my husband and I have grown apart, we still spend time together. See a movie, grab a coffee.
He’s still my bestie. And I am still his. But besties don’t have to be in each other’s pocket.
And even though there are some intimate occasions — I’m in control of that. There’s no pressure to have sex I don’t want.
It’s just easier this wayHow duty sex differs from maintenance sex
I don’t feel there needs to be any big catastrophic divorce or separation that means we have a different address.
We are still the parents of our children and grandparents for our grandchildren, after all.
I don’t want to damage that at all.
Our grown-up kids didn’t take it too well, but they can see not a lot has changed and appear OK with it now.
They feel comfortable to come home, just as we are comfortable to visit them together.
It’s easier to stay on the property, I don’t want to force us to sell.
If it ever came to that I know I would be OK — financially and otherwise — but it’s not a strain either of us want.
It was still a “big move” for me, but I am happy and won’t be moving back into the house anytime soon.