Richard Keys may have just surpassed Richard Madeley as the most Alan Partridge man in real life with his latest interview.

We can only thank Keysey for blessing us with countless nuggets of gold on an otherwise completely uneventful international break Sunday.

The 68-year-old’s interview in The Telegraph, in which he reflects on his career and controversies, is jaw-dropping in its lack of self-awareness. And yet we wouldn’t have expected anything less.

Here are the five most Partridge moments from Keys’ interview.

5. Father-in-law

Props to the interviewer for the use of “he grins” while writing up Keys’ struggle for advice.

You can picture exactly how smug he is as he tells this zinger.

“Most people would turn to the father-in-law…”

Wait for it…

Wait for it.

Wait for it. 

“…But he’s younger than me.”

Chef’s kiss.

4. Not that I would know

Keys’ recollection of taking twice his prescribed blood pressure medication – in itself an incredibly Pardridge escapade – couldn’t be more perfect:

“I was sitting in a bar in Qatar, where Andy and I were hosting a golf event, and the whole world was moving around me.

“Enjoyably high and drunk at the same time: it must be what MDMA is like, not that I would know.”

3. Setting the record straight

Read the replies to any of Keys’ tweets and there’ll invariably be jibes about his hairy hands, running off with his daughter’s mate, or some combination of the two.

After years of stoic silence, finally decided to set the record straight on that front.

Listeners of the Football Cliches podcast will be familiar with host Adam Hurrey’s ‘Keysey voice’, which has taken on a life of it’s own and is weirdly infectious.

It’s impossible to read this next passage, in particular, without hearing it in that voice.

“What’s damaging is that people presume I ran away with my daughter’s best mate, locked her in a room, and gave her no choice about whether she wanted to be with me or not.

“All of which is nonsense. Lucie’s one of the most powerful, strong-minded individuals you’ll come across. She’s deeply passionate about women’s rights.

“People see me as an easy target, but the narrative is not fair on her. It’s totally wrong.”

Release the tapes, The Telegraph. We demand to hear this in Keys’ signature smarmy tones.

2. A little respect

Keys’ tone-deaf ‘tribute’ to Wales legend Terry Yorath caused a minor social media stir back in January, prompting TNT Sports presenter Laura Woods to call him a tw*t.

“I would never, ever have described a senior member of my profession as a t–t,” he responded.

“A little bit more respect, please.”

Course you wouldn’t, Keysey. The additional call for respect is just the cherry on the icing.

1. Christmas can of tuna

Behold. The single bleakest anecdote ever told in the history of broadsheet interviews:

“For a long time, I was persona non grata.

“I was left with a lot of very angry wives, and I wasn’t invited to much, if anything at all. I remember one Christmas Day, the best Christmas of my life in fairness, when I sat with a bottle of champagne, a can of tuna, and I watched The Great Escape, Where Eagles Dare and The Guns of Navarone. Back-to-back-to-back. Three magnificent movies. Actually, I’ve wanted to do it many times since.”

That, right there, is why AI will never win.

You could feed every word ever uttered by Keys into ChatGPT, and its algorithm couldn’t even begin to dream up that combination of words.

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