Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You’ve come to the right place.
Thursday
Brisbane (119) v Collingwood (65)
It would be a lazy bit of analysis to say, ‘no Nick Daicos, no Collingwood’, and that’s just the sort of analysis I believe I contribute to the AFL cultural sphere.
Or is it the AFL cultural oval?
Two sentences in and I already don’t know what I’m doing, which brings us to Collingwood.
The Pies seemed desperate to get Nick out there, giving him every chance to prove his fitness in the warmup, despite the fact that it was obvious that if he were a racehorse, the screen would have come out.
Losing good players to injury is never good. Just ask the Lions, who were missing Harris Andrews and Hugh McCluggage.
But contrary to popular wisdom, sometimes losing a player to injury can be a good thing, like when my under-16s coach watched me tear my hamstring, fist pumped and high-fived the players on the bench.
It was hurtful when he then hugged my dad like they’d won a Grand Final.
It turns out Collingwood were right to be desperate, especially with Scott Pendlebury out already.
The Lions tore the Pies apart like a group of Americans at a cruise ship buffet. It was brutal to watch.
Friday
North Melbourne (96) v Carlton (86)
You’ve got to hand it to Carlton. The four points that is, they’re not going to get them by themselves.
If avoiding Premiership points was an Olympic Sport, Carlton would be Michael Phelps.
Up by 22-points heading into the final term would almost seem like having the game under control.
For the Blues however, a game is never under control. The worrying thing for them is their opponents are only too aware of this.
Which means no team ever gives up against Carlton. Nothing teaches resilience more than playing the Blues. Every primary school should get to play them.
North Melbourne looked at the 22-point deficit at three-quarter-time and just knew that wasn’t even a stretch.
They kicked the last five goals of the game as Blues fans wondered why Michael Voss doesn’t have a plan B, or C, or for that matter, a plan A.
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Adelaide (76) v Fremantle (78)
With the Crows down by 34 points in the third term, Adelaide talkback radio was getting ready for a big night.
Then the Crows got moving, with the urgency of a uni student the night before an essay is due.
The Dockers, who had been cruising, suddenly had to get back to work, and no one likes to have to go back to work to finish something you thought was done.
From there, it was a mad scramble. The Crows got seven points ahead, but like the time I took Sally Patterson on a date, too many unforced errors at key moments meant they came up short.
It leaves Crows fans wondering what might have been if the urgency had been there in the first half.
Instead, the Crows have lost three in a row, but at least they get Carlton next week.
Saturday
Richmond (48) v Port Adelaide (90)
Not a game you’re going to have much interest in unless you’re a Port fan.
Richmond looked terrible early on, having five shots on goal.
Three were behinds and two went out on the full. Tigers fans settled in for a long day.
The day got longer when Samson Ryan punched Jordon Sweet in the stomach.
To be fair, they were just a mere 150m off the ball at the time.
It’s less than ideal when Richmond’s ruck stocks are thinner than a Hollywood star on Ozempic during Oscars week.
As for Port, it gave us no great insight to where they are at. They’ve lost to North and West Coast, while beating Richmond and Essendon.
Oh wait, that does give some insight, they’re not that good.
West Coast (35) v Sydney (163)
Any excitement after the Eagles won two games in a row was dealt with severely with this 128-point loss.
There have been prison fights with less brutality.
This was not so much of a game, and more a chance for the Swans to get a light training run in after their 16-day break.
The Swans kicked the first 11 goals of the game. As the eleventh one sailed through the posts, I thought ‘the Eagles could be in trouble here.’
And I was right!
West Coast fans must be wondering when this nightmare is going to end.
The Eagles are a version of Inception; there are bad dreams within bad dreams.
And just when you think you’ve woken up, it’s another bad dream.
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Sunday
Melbourne (109) v Gold Coast (89)
Melbourne spent the last few years focusing on not losing games. They could defend, but they couldn’t score.
They rarely got knocked out, but they lost on points.
Under Steven King they’re the ones going for the knockout.
It might not always work, but it’s fun to watch.
And on the weekend, it really worked.
It was helped a lot by a young guy named Kysaiah Pickett who’s worth checking out, and that big tall guy with the beard who always takes the marks.
The Suns, were certainly not bad. Even with their talent you’re not going to win every game.
Damien Harwick said it was a ‘kick right in the nuts’, which I’ve always said is something to be avoided
As a Dees supporter, I can say kicking someone in the nuts is more fun than being kicked in the nuts. I don’t think you need to be a Dees supporter to get that.
Western Bulldogs (99) v Essendon (65)
A lot was made of the fact that the Bombers gave up 10 of the first 11 goals, they mounted somewhat of a comeback.
I guess not completely capitulating completely is something, but it feels like telling a bunch of kindergarten kids they’re all winners for showing up.
A club record-equalling losing streak of 17 matches and the worst start since 1967, coming after decades of misery, is hardly going to leave the fans feeling things are going in the right direction.
That mood was certainly captured by Zach Merrett’s wife, who posted on Tiktok that she’d left at halftime and gone to the restaurant Gimlet.
Unfortunately for her husband, no such option was available. They won’t let him leave the club, let alone a game.
Many fans would have probably liked to have gone to Gimlet too, but that wasn’t possible.
After all, Gimlet is usually pretty heavily booked, and while there are some walk-in bar seating, a crowd of 38,786 can’t be accommodated all at once.
That said, if you do get in, the Gnocco fritto, bresaola and parmesan is well worth starting with, the Dry-aged O’Connor T-bone is elite, and you have to drink a gimlet at Gimlet.
That should be Gimlet’s new slogan ‘Better than watching Essendon get smashed at the MCG’.
Oh, the Doggies were good, but had a few injuries.
Monday
Hawthorn (92) v Geelong (91)
Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel, the Parthenon Sculptures, the 1970 Holden HG Monaro GTS 350.
Great art just moves you, like this game.
Hawthorn and Geelong have continually lifted the bar on Easter Monday to a height where it seems impossible to improve on. Then they do it again.
In an age when people keep telling you that footy is terrible and dying, it’s worth reflecting on the fact it keeps delivering classics like this.
The pressure in this was at ‘doing karaoke at a work function while the boss is watching and your office crush, who was getting really into you, but this could blow it’ levels.
There was Jack Ginnivan and Bailey Smith running amok, Jack Gunstan winding back the clock all the way to 2025 and a crowd that was losing its mind.
Sometimes you need to just enjoy something like this. It’s why we love the game, even if Hawthorn did win.
Byes: St Kilda, Greatest Western Giants
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