Mother’s Day is meant to be a time where mums across the country are celebrated.
We’re meant to take charge, book their favourite restaurant or cafe, and get her a card and gift that shows we care.
But for many mums, it’s just another day where they have to carry the mental load.
According to Open Table data, 39 per cent of mums have booked their own Mother’s Day meal because no one else in the household is willing to step up.
Melbourne single mum-of-two Baci Hillyer knows this feeling all too well.
“For 14 years, I’ve been doing my own Mother’s Day. Today, I still take care of all Mother’s Day gatherings,” she told Yahoo Lifestyle.
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While it would be understandable to be upset about the situation, Baci says that she “tried not to make a big deal out of it”.
“It was probably to protect them [her kids] and myself if it didn’t go to plan,” she said.
“If you don’t have expectations, then you can’t be let down mentally.”
According to DoorDash, nearly eight in 10 Aussie mums take on some level of planning or coordination for Mother’s Day.
Not only that, but that 83 per cent of mums said their mental load is completely underestimated, even on their special day.
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Single mum-of-two Baci said she was forced to organise most of her Mother’s Day events after getting divorced. Source: Supplied
Why Mother’s Day can be even more brutal for separated couples
While many mums already take on a lot of the mental load for the family, this can be even more intense for separated couples.
Despite being split up, Baci still organised gifts and cards for her two kids to give to their dad for Father’s Day.
But all that effort was never reciprocated on her special day.
“I did it for years… and never got any acknowledgement for it,” she said.
Family lawyer and co-parenting expert Gabriella Pomare has spent more than a decade working with families through separation, and she said there are many mums like Baci all over the country.
“It is very common for mums, even after separation, to still help the kids organise something for Father’s Day,” she told Yahoo Lifestyle.
“They will take them shopping, remind them, help them make a card, make sure it happens.
“But on Mother’s Day, if the kids are with dad and he does not take that initiative, sometimes nothing happens, or it is very minimal.
Family lawyer and co-parenting expert Gabriella Pomare said Baci’s experience is one felt by many single mums across Australia. Source: Gabriella Pomare
“And that can feel quite hurtful, not because of the gift itself, but because it shows she is still the one doing that emotional labour.”
Gabriella said that to help change this, it is important for women to recognise that the mental load is real and valid.
“Sometimes it has been minimised for so long that it is hard to even name it. But once you can see it clearly, it becomes something you can start to share,” she said.
“That might look like making the invisible visible.
“Actually listing out everything you are holding. Because it is much easier to redistribute something when it is out in the open.
“It also means being willing to let go of control, even if things are not done exactly how you would do them. That can be uncomfortable, but it is often necessary for things to shift.”
How to help lighten the mental load for mums
It might sound as simple as asking the mums in your life what they need a hand with.
But that’s also keeping them mental load on them to come up with ways to assist them.
“Instead of asking, ‘What can I do?’ it is about looking around and thinking, ‘What needs to be done here?’ and then just doing it,” Gabriella told Yahoo Lifestyle.
“Or even better, taking full responsibility for certain areas so it is not something that needs to be thought about or delegated.
“It is also about understanding that asking how to help, while well intentioned, can actually add to the load if it always requires an answer.”
And on Mother’s Day, Gabriella had words of advice for separated dads.
“Mother’s Day is one of those moments where you can either add to the tension or quietly reduce it,” she says.
“Help the children make or choose something, [and] speak positively about their mother in front of them.
“Remember that supporting their relationship with her is not about your adult relationship anymore, it is about giving your children permission to love both parents without guilt.”
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