It’s Tuesday, and that means it’s time to do some good old-fashioned venting in another edition of The Gripe Report!
I’ve had a pep in my step the last couple of days, and that was because we just got through the first full weekend of the college football season, with the NFL kicking off in just a few days.
Ladies and gentlemen, we officially made it through the dark times.
Football is back.
Have a gripe? Send it in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com
But this is The Gripe Report, not the Everything Is Great So Let’s Crack A Beer Report. So, I figured this would be as good a time as any to lay out some problems with one of my favorite things: the art of watching football.Â
Just a diverse group of adult humans wearing generic jerseys and pretending to watch football like in every third commercial I see. (Getty images)
Commercials Where People Watch Football
If you watch a lot of football, you also see a lot of commercials, and I don’t know that any commercials bug me more than ones where people are watching football. This is because it is always cartoonishly unrealistic to the point that it seems like it was made by aliens who have only ever heard of what it’s like when humans watch a game.
This can happen in an ad for anything. Cars, insurance, beer, boner pills (the Four Horsemen of football ads), etc., and it can involve any number of people, but there are always a few constants.
The first is a generic football jersey or jerseys. There’s always at least one guy wearing a football jersey for a team that doesn’t exist, but in a lazy way. It’ll be red with a random number and no stripes. Just a red with a number.
Then, the generic shirt guy is always eating or drinking something, but usually in a way that no one ever would. My favorite is the guy cradling a giant bowl of tortilla chips in one arm, which he then dumps all over the place upon jumping up in celebration.
There’s always some “edge-of-the-seat” sitting and some rehearsed high-fives, and, if you’re lucky, the guy who watches football while cradling a football.
Just once, I want someone to make a realistic football-watching commercial: a guy alone with crumbs on his shirt flipping through his phone, and muttering curse words under his breath while he checks his fantasy team’s scoring.
Not sure how many orders of boner pills that would move, but at least it would be realistic.
Having To Juggle A Million Channels And Streamers
Here’s one that I guarantee we’re all on the same page about: remember back in the day when there were games on three networks and a Monday night game once a week on ESPN?
Yeah, those were great… but they’re DEAD!
Now, we’ve got all those channels plus Amazon on Thursdays, a few games on Peacock, some on Netflix, some on NFL Network, and then a couple on whatever the hell that new thing is ESPN started trying to trick everyone into paying for when they already have cable.
And if you want to see everything, better pony up for Red Zone or Sunday ticket.
Forget the price. Obviously, that’s horrible. I just don’t like the way I have to keep track of which game is where and when all the time.
I know I can count on the networks and even Amazon to be at the same time and same place, but the streamers do nothing but throw wrenches at you like Rip Torn in Dodgeball.
You’ll think you have everything squared away, then for no reason, there’s a game on Peacock or two on Netflix.Â
I understand that this is the way the business works, but won’t somebody think of the fans?!
Weddings
I’m getting married and we’re doing it on a Sunday for this reason.
Yeah, I know that puts us in the middle of the NFL schedule, and my Flyers happen to play that day too, but you can’t win every battle.
I figure this is the way most people would prefer things to work out. People can live with missing a good NFL matchup, and that’s often because these are divisional matchups and therefore happen twice a season.
But college rivalry games? Different story.Â
It’s worth planning around them because you’ll either have guests who won’t want to be there or who will be sneaking peeks at their phone through the entire ceremony until the bar opens up.
I get that sometimes you have to do a wedding on a Saturday in the middle of college football season, but I don’t know that the best way to start a marriage is by having all of your guests resent you for making them miss the Ohio State-Michigan game.
“Mama Mia Hands” guy is just realizing how much better watching football at home is than out at a bar. (Getty Images)
Watching Games In Bars
This could prove controversial, but I’m not a fan of watching games in bars.
I’ve never gone to a bar and had a TV in a good viewing location. It’s always way too high up, so I have to crane my neck like I’m in the front row of a movie theater, off to the side, so I end up with a stiff neck before the entrees arrive, or it’s completely behind me and I spend the whole meal sitting in my chair backwards like a substitute teacher whose trying to connect with an unruly class of inter-city youths.
In fact, if you want to call your establishment a sports bar, there should be a rule that every seat must have a decent view of a television. You shouldn’t have to turn your head more than 45 degrees in any direction, and it should be within 30 degrees of eye-level.
Don’t get me wrong, the food and beer are a nice touch, and so is the atmosphere, but I will forego atmosphere to hear what the f–k is being said on the broadcast.
Do you know where I have food, beer, a nice TV that I can see easily, and it’s quiet? My house!
…
That’s it for this week’s edition of The Gripe Report! I hope football season is off to a great start for you, but if you’ve got some gripes, feel free to send them in!: matthew.reigle@outkick.com