In an effort to upgrade from the shiny, happy, highlight-reel style posts of circa 2015, our feeds are now filled with TikToks of strangers divulging their deepest traumas (often while teaching us how to contour).
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And it seems this “cut to the quick” approach has bled out into IRL meet ups, where we jump right into the meat of it without any (shudder) icebreakers easing us in.
Of course, there’s good science to support the idea that deep conversations are ultimately what deepen relationships. And like I said, I love to get “deep” – under the right circumstances.
Speaking with neurodivergent folks about this is also really illuminating. Many of my self-described “neurospicy” friends find small talk incredibly grating, and I do get that mine is a very neurotypical perspective. I like the idea of people coming together over a shared disdain for small talk whether IRL, on internet forums or in real life, with Skip the Small Talk dinners popping up throughout the US and Europe.
I like it because it implies a certain level of mutual permission, rather than diagnosing strangers with repressed trauma or immediately mining for intimate secrets on a first meeting.
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I’m certainly not suggesting we should start on the surface and stay there. In fact, I often find the opposite happens. As someone with a condition that makes me struggle in hot weather, even a simple “How about this heat?” has sparked deeper connections with passing acquaintances.
To me, small talk is like a conversational handshake. You know those people who squeeze your hand so hard you wonder if they’re trying to prove a point? Small talk can be like that too. It can signal a safe space, or just as importantly, that this may not be someone you want to expose your soul to.
It’s the ticket to subtly mining a stranger’s personality and consequently, your compatibility – a fertile ground upon which deep and loving relationships can then be built.
And in an increasingly polarising ecosystem, I find small talk useful for gently exposing another person’s world view, without having to jump straight into heated debate. Learning that a stranger’s favourite podcast is The Joe Rogan Experience, for example, is often a good indicator of where our conversation might be headed.
So, tell me all about that guy clipping his nails on your commute and let’s bond over our hatred of people who use communal microwaves to heat up fish.
Please don’t skip past the small talk. We’ll get to the big stuff, I promise.
Hannah Vanderheide is a freelance health writer and actor based in Victoria.
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