The internet for me started off as forbidden fruit. Attending a Steiner school meant anything online or online-adjacent was banned. It was the type of education where you don’t learn how to read or write until year 5 but the school made it mandatory to learn the violin and Chinese in year 1.

What ensued was my peers and I graduating as an illiterate, Mandarin-speaking orchestra – at one of the only government Steiner schools in Australia. I assume if you put those skills into seek.com, the computer explodes. I quite hope the government doesn’t find out – I can assure them I have contributed to the economy exponentially by selling mid-winter lanterns and beeswax at farmers markets in Nimbin and its surrounds to enlightened fluoride-free minds.

iPhones were also banned. I was bestowed a Nokia brick. The only way the internet radicalised this young man was when playing the game Snake. I had to take an alt-right route to avoid eating my own snake tail. Being a comedian who now exists on the internet, I feel I may have betrayed my core pedagogy but alas have been forced to tell you my 10 funniest things I’ve seen on the internet or else a giant snake will be sent to my house by the head of Nokia who will no doubt devour me and then grow bigger.

1. The front fell off

Any time you experience one of life’s woes, I implore you to start replying, “The front fell off”. It truly solves any calamity or social faux pas. My girlfriend and I use it daily when life seems to not be lifeing. Why are you late to the wedding reception? Well you see … the front fell off. Why is your mic not turned on in your online meeting when presenting to a client? Boss, well umm, yes I believe the front fell off.

My friend recently did their ACL. In a hospital bed they looked into my eyes through a green whistle haze and whispered, “Ferg, the front fell off”. One time when professing my love for this sketch to my maternal grandfather, he replied, “Fergus, you know John Clarke is my cousin – and your great uncle”. Which puts me in a pickle. Whether this piece is included on the basis of comedy or family nepotism, I will leave to reader discretion. I guess the front fell off.

2. Judith Lucy: Tiny Houses

My parents love Judith Lucy. I love Judith Lucy. My mum remembers venturing in the 80s to the top end of Smith Street in Collingwood to attend The Last Laugh, a now deceased comedy club that opened in 1976 to 250 packed seats, with a smaller venue, Le Joke, upstairs. Jane Clifton, Glenn Robbins, Wendy Harmer and Richard Stubbs all came up in this club. Its ghosts still ripple through my generation of young comedians.

My mum says her favourite act was always Judith Lucy. My dream is to get minted enough to buy it back and reopen its magic tombs. I imagine all the untold jokes waiting to resurface from those timbers like a genie in a lantern. Judith Lucy’s voice was imprinted on my brain from a young age – I believe her comedy got my parents through raising four kids in a few bedrooms. Every time Judith makes something, I laugh enormously and it is something I share with my parents. The beauty of comedy is how people from different generations and walks of life can connect through laughter. Judith Lucy is a beautiful example of that in my house.

3. May a thousand blossoms bloom

Buying Bob Katter’s book was almost impossible. Recently the longest ever serving politician in Australia’s history (factcheck me) was seen reading his own authored book at Townsville airport and I truly believe Bob and I have the only two copies in existence. The book opens with Bob meeting a touring Spanish monarch who asks him to describe the Australian people. He replies that one in three Australians who were here before the second world war have either an Indigenous or convict background. Queen Sofía says, “What an incredible race of people”.

A comedic genius is hard to get a grip on: Bob says one thing then in a dramatic tonal shift contradicts himself in the next. I believe this clip will be studied by future aliens who will view Bob as our Socrates equivalent and each year on this date celebrate the blooming of blossoms.

4. Norman Gunston at Gough Whitlam’s dismissal

When my dad first showed me this clip, I was 10. He cackled and cackled over the old family PC. I recall dial-up sounds and then Norman Gunston’s distinctive voice and poorly shaved chin. Indeed nobody fully knows how Gunston got a few steps from Gough Whitlam after the prime minister was sacked by the crown. I love when comedy is a bit dangerous. I love when comedy is a bit silly. When things are darkest, comedians still find a way to take the piss.

5. Clitty Flanagan

Doctors might start prescribing this clip to treat melancholy. Whenever I stumble upon it, I watch it upwards of 100 times. It isn’t just the failure of the host to say “Kitty”; it is Kitty Flanagan’s comedic prowess in recognising the mistake, her facial reaction, the pause … a masterstroke of timing from one of our greatest ever comedians.

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6. John Safran pranks Steve Price

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I was lucky enough to have John Safran on my late night show at Comedy Republic. John is one of the great satirists of our time. From being crucified in the Philippines to kicking his footy over the wall in Gaza and asking guards to throw it back, John takes comedy to new heights. He recently squatted in Kanye’s mansion. In this clip John pranks 3AW by telling listeners to start imprinting the 3AW logo on to ecstasy tablets. Host Steve Price gets increasingly furious the more people call in, until eventually John drops off his own pills to the head office. Sheer comedic brilliance.

7. Police officer singing Shake It Off by Taylor Swift

I still can’t believe this is real footage. I love when the internet shows normal people being funny. Because normal people are funny. You don’t have to be a comedian; there’s almost something more honourable in not trying to be funny and then eliciting humour. This is a police officer driving around and enjoying his day. Finding joy in simply being.

8. Charlie bit my finger

When I told my mum I was writing this piece, she said I should include “Charlie bit my finger”. I said, “Mum, I can’t include the internet’s VERY first video. People will think I’ve suffered a knock to the head.” So under duress (and for fear of not being included in the will) this video has been included. The internet’s first viral video. It still pays off after 20 years, much like I hope my parents do when the time comes.

9. Tiddas can’t even dance

This video has more than 1m views. The clip crescendoes amazingly. So many internet clips now are trying to “hook” you, so the funniest moment is in the first three seconds. I miss when comedy had belief in the viewer and could let the comedy cook. I love Black Comedy. It was one of the best shows on TV. I have seen it returning slowly to younger generations on TikTok. This is a PSA to please bring it back.

10. Paul Hogan’s Oscars speech

Australian comedy gets introduced to the world. This, I believe, was the first time Australian comedy ever translated successfully to the world stage. Paul Hogan’s Oscars speech is so full of Australianisms – yet the audience still finds it hilarious. It is a testament to his comedic ability: he is not trying to be American; he is being funny in an Australian way to Americans. Perhaps it opened or ever so slightly cracked the doors open for comedians like Chris Lilley, Hannah Gadsby and Jim Jefferies to find comedic success overseas. Our jokes finally made it across the ocean.

Fergus Neal is a standup comedian and writer. He co-hosts the comedy podcast On It Off It and is performing his new show Boy at the Melbourne fringe, 14 to 18 October at Bard’s Apothecary