Over the lifetime of Housewives as an institution, the various casts have found different ways to acknowledge, allude to, and flat out break the fourth wall. For years, any issues that came up during a reunion taping would be obliquely referred to as “last year in New York.” After that we had “the blogs,” also known as blind items being reported by micro-influencing regional gossip accounts. This phenomenon involved Housewives feeding information to these platforms in the hopes of having justification to talk about each other’s business on-camera, schemes that folks like Lisas Rinna and Vanderpump were famed for participating in.
Both approaches have resulted in what I will call a late-stage reality simulacrum: We are all aware that the mode of entertainment we call docusoap is a constructed hyperreality with coded symbols that may resemble real life but are devoid of the context of how people actually interact with each other real life. People float in and out with information that helps move the characters along, the scene resets, and we continue.
My least favorite tactic, however, is when a tertiary character is brought in from this alleged “social circle” of co-workers to add new dramatic tension to a story line. While effective, it’s a high risk/high reward play; depending on the party involved, it can either add some needed fuel to the fire or become a prolonged torture ritual on-camera. For whatever reason, a cookie seems to frequently be involved: On Atlanta, we had Kenya bring in the cookie lady in an attempt to embarrass poor Tanya, who ultimately hopped a ride with Bolo and was never seen again. Two seasons ago, Ashley brought in the Sesame Street character known as Deborah, who spent a year entertaining comparisons to Grover and Cookie Monster after wasting all of our time with silly conspiracies involving the perpetually underemployed Chris Bassett. Now we have a woman who goes by Cookie bumbling onto the screen as a proxy for Chris Samuels all because Chris Samuels clearly would rather walk on glass than film with his ex-wife ever again.
The biggest reason why Cookie never had a chance in hell of kicking off a Stacey takedown — which, to be clear, is the entire reason she is even being given camera time — is that Chris Samuels never was, is, or will be viewed as a hot commodity. I am sure that in the streets of D.C., an enterprising diva who lives in northeast somewhere would love to snag a retired football player with numerous investments — it’s a recession after all, and DMV residents have been hit hard by layoffs and freezes courtesy of the federal government. But in the Housewives universe, Chris has never been on anyone’s top-five list; if I were to informally rank him, he would probably hover somewhere above Joe Giudice but below Coach Shah. Given his lack of influence in the universe of Potomac, it really doesn’t disturb anyone or anything if Stacey did/did not date or sleep with him.
In some ways, it’s a shame that none of this matters, because Stacey (and Chris, for that matter) is so obviously lying. While Cookie’s hostile temperament didn’t help matters, Stacey can’t decide whether or not she dated the man depending on the day or who she’s talking to. The texts she eventually shows Monique aren’t really proof of anything beyond them having a rapport, and Chris on Charrisse’s speakerphone going, “Man, I don’t know nothing about any of that,” after being informed they were filming wasn’t proof of a denial as much as Chris clearly not wanting to get caught wading in a mess on-camera.
Chris’s interference does, however, force a new redivision among the group. While the girls may be frustrated by Angel and Keiarna’s demeanor, it is clear that Stacey’s rise is getting under everyone’s skin. Wendy and Jassi have decided to get with the winning team for now and back her as she summarily handles any attempted gang-ups — her turning to Keiarna and abruptly telling her that she has no ring and needs to go run after Greg instead was an extinction-level event. It’s clear that the likes of Keiarna and Angel have no chance against a Wendy-and-Stacey tag team, but I appreciate them stepping up to the plate instead of running away like they did all vacation.
That said, Stacey is so impenetrable that the women’s anger just doesn’t land effectively. Gizelle’s rage on Monique’s behalf feels unbelievable, considering the last time Gizelle sat in the same room with Monique she demanded a security presence. Keiarna’s frustration with Stacey simply reads as being pressed for a moment as opposed to them just not gelling. Ashley has been desperately trying to find anything to stick against Stacey and continues to come up short. In many ways, this conundrum is similar to Karen Huger’s formula for success. What both Stacey and Karen understand well is that the truth is largely irrelevant. Karen was a drunk; Stacey seems to have a reputation for being a liar and a flirt, as Charrisse came onscreen to corroborate. While these truths may be self-evident to the women on the show, in the context of Housewives, they are not the reality, and all the attempts they’ve made to try to force the conversation have only ever boosted their opponent’s profile. Ultimately, it seems like their best chance to take Stacey down is not to try to force her to confront reality and separate fact from fiction but to let her take herself out on her own hubris. She might not end up having a “Thomas Jefferson’s concubine” moment like Karen did, but she will inevitably tangle herself up in all the stories and lies she weaves and fall off the pedestal. It’s one of the immutable rules of Housewives: No one can stay at the top of the pyramid for very long.
The midseason-trailer preview shows that Angel will ultimately take the reins and bring the women into her world — and predictably, it seems to all go horribly. See you all next week!
• As someone who is intimately familiar with the pain of being discarded by an African father who will somehow manage to blame his children for not having a relationship with him, I appreciated Wendy and her sister being open about that strained relationship. But when her mother continues to emphasize that her daughters have ultimately triumphed with their financial accomplishments, I can’t help but cringe. It is easy to see how Wendy’s family ended up being obsessed with flashy accomplishments as a point of status and pride, potentially to their own detriment, when it is being enforced by the family matriarch.
• It’s a shame that Angel is not quick on her feet with a pithy moment, because I do think she has Wendy read correctly. It’s hard to buy that the issue with Wendy is one sided when Wendy has made a point to make unprompted jabs about Angel’s history, including her education — but Wendy being able to throw rocks well and hide her hands is part of the game. Wendy is condescending, and even in their back and forth displayed all of the dismissive and snide psychoanalysis that Angel was alleging, but her inability to land zingers is always going to leave her on her back foot.
• While Ashley has been flailing all season trying to deliver moments that fall flat on their face, I always have a soft spot for when she lets us into her family dynamics. I find how she engages with her mom endlessly compelling, both for what she recognizes and what she doesn’t. Ashley is despondent over how her mom overextends herself for a partner who is dragging her down and leaving her to clean up his messes with no remorse or accountability. The irony is, of course, that the very same critiques could be made about Ashley’s relationship with her ex-husband. I am no therapist, but they’ve taken enough of my money that I feel comfortable guessing that a big part of why Ashley can’t recognize her tendency to replicate the same patterns is because she is only looking at it from a lens of financial security and power as opposed to learned behavior over partnership dynamics.
• Every time I see Kierna and her family onscreen, I start muttering to myself how they’re just so beautiful it doesn’t make sense. But what makes even less sense is Kierna’s continued spiral into romantic delusion with Greg, a middle-aged man with the charm of sandpaper. Kierna’s mom’s expression of disgust and astonishment as her daughter feebly argues to her that, actually, Greg buying her condo instead of a ring is progress, even though she specifically moved out because he wouldn’t propose, is really the only reaction you can have when your child is insistent on being a hard-headed dodo bird for love.
• Kierna consistently referring to Stacey’s husband as Temu and not Thiemo has me in stitches. It may just be a product of her Baltimore accent, but I will be using it moving forward.
• Jassi’s faux-bridal couture in her confessional really had me in stitches. There’s something so amusing about watching someone be so blatantly desperate to make it to the full cast and not hide that they are willing to throw out all the stops to make any camera time happen.
• Sorry to the Grande Dame haters, but Karen securing an exclusive interview with Andy in her house to talk about her substance abuse makes it clear she is here to stay.
VULTURE NEWSLETTER
Keep up with all the drama of your favorite shows!
Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice