Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My brother is perpetually unemployed and his wife, my sister-in-law, is a “professional painter” of little talent and less success. They have four children of their own despite being unable to keep a roof over their own heads. But my brother has always been the “golden child,” and our parents have always supported him and his family in a middle-class lifestyle, including building them a big custom house (in a cheap part of the country, but still) and buying them cars and groceries.

The money for this has come from my grandmother. When she passed away some decades ago, she left a substantial estate (my grandfather had a very generous pension and highly successful investments). She left it equally to her three children, with a stipulation that the remaining estate ultimately then go evenly to her six grandchildren (each child had two) when her children also passed. (I don’t know, and can’t readily obtain, the exact language in the will, but that’s what I’m told.)

I’ve long known that all of Grandma’s legacy has already gone to my brother and sister-in-law. But more recently, I learned that parents are now at the point of diverting their retirement savings to them. Their assumption is that, once those funds run out,  I’ll pick up supporting all eight of them—my brother and his family and my parents—for the rest of their lives. The level of success I’ve enjoyed is nowhere near THAT level, and they know it.  When I noted this, it was brushed off with, “Oh, we’re sure you’ll figure it out.”  (There is a long-standing tendency here to ignore problems and assume they’ll just solve themselves.)

I was already annoyed about the refusal to obey the terms of my grandmother’s will. My parents’ non-inherited money is of course their own decision.  But this? They’re all headed for a massive cliff, and I can only cushion the fall a little bit by wrecking my own life. Part of me says that I’ve already told them their plan isn’t happening so it’s now on them (my wife’s view also), another part recoils from the idea of my nieces and nephews ending up homeless. Is there anything at all reasonable you can see to do here?

—Not a Billionaire

Dear Not a Billionaire,

Let’s separate what you think happened from what you actually know. You say your grandmother’s estate was supposed to go “equally to grandchildren” eventually, but you admit you haven’t seen the will and don’t know the exact language. Here’s the reality: most wills or  trusts (if the funds were in a trust) give the heirs (your parents) full discretion over distributions. They may have been legally entitled to give everything to your brother or spend it all themselves. Unless you’ve actually read the will or trust documents, you don’t know if they violated anything.

And even if the will or trust said “remaining estate goes to grandchildren,” your parents are still alive. That money wasn’t supposed to come to you yet anyway.

Anyway, the real problem isn’t Grandma’s money—it’s that your parents are bankrupting themselves to fund your brother’s lifestyle, and they expect you to support eight people when the money runs out. That’s insane.

You need to have two face-to-face conversations, immediately.

First, sit down with your parents and say this directly: “I will not be supporting you, my brother, his wife, or their four children when your money runs out. I don’t have the resources to support eight people, and even if I did, I wouldn’t. You’ve all made choices about how to spend your money. You need a real financial plan that doesn’t include me as your retirement fund.” Then stop talking and make sure they’ve heard you. Rinse and repeat, if necessary.

Second, have the same conversation with your brother and his wife, preferably in person or by video conference, so you can see their faces and they can see you’re not kidding. “Mom and Dad have been supporting you for decades. I need you to hear this: When their money runs out, I will not be stepping in. You have four children. You need jobs, income, and a plan. I’m telling you this now so you can prepare. Don’t come to me after they’ve run out of money asking me to pony up.”

Next, follow up both conversations in writing so there’s documentation.

When this collapses–and it will–the people who will suffer most are your four nieces and nephews. They didn’t choose any of this. And despite what you’re telling everyone now, when those kids are facing homelessness, you’re going to feel obligated to do something.

So don’t commit your resources now. Don’t set up 529 accounts or make financial promises. Keep every dollar you have because you’re going to need it for leverage later. When the crisis hits, you can offer strategic, conditional help: “I will help support the kids if you sell that custom house and move somewhere affordable, and if you get and keep actual jobs. I will contribute to rent for a basic apartment, not fund your current lifestyle.”

The best-case scenario? Your parents’ money lasts until the kids are 18 and finished with high school, college or trade school. In the meantime, start building individual relationships with your nieces and nephews. Get to know them. Model financial responsibility. Help them see there’s another way to live besides waiting for handouts or bailouts. When they’re old enough, help them with college applications, job searches, and some much-needed financial literacy. They need someone to show them a different path.

You can’t save eight people. But you might be able to help four kids escape the cycle their parents and grandparents have modeled for them.

—Ilyce

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

More Money Advice From Slate

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I have been married for 11 years, together for 14. Since having our three kids (the oldest is going to be 8), I have been a stay-at-home mom. My husband has always been financially abusive. We used to have a shared account, but he would only put money in it if I asked. He would put in the exact amount, and it could only be for certain things like groceries and sometimes clothing for the children.

Two years ago, we were going through some hardships in which my husband not only cheated on me but filed for a divorce, closed the shared account, and cut me off completely—financially and otherwise. During that time (until I finally found a job), I was dependent on my mom and my sister for money. The only thing he continued to pay was the rent, because he would be embarrassed if anyone knew his kids were homeless.

Fast forward two years, I have decided to try to forgive him (he pulled the papers for the divorce). I have not only found a job, but I have been able to save some money, and I am able to take care of my own bills rather than depend on him exclusively like before. The issue is now he is having some financial difficulties, and I could offer to help him with my savings, but I don’t want to. I am still upset over what he did, I want to keep my money (I worry if he cut me off before, he can do it again), and I don’t want to lend him money because he is of the belief that any money I have is also his because of all the years he provided for us and wouldn’t want to pay it back. If I am genuinely trying to make my marriage work, is it fair for me to withhold this money—as well as the knowledge of this money—from my husband?

—Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Dear Once Bitten, Twice Shy,

Girl, keep your money. You’re trying to make your marriage work, but it’s not going to if you fall into old habits and patterns. What your husband did before was not OK. Period. It was financial abuse, and the fact that he used your children’s wellbeing against their mother is even worse. Your first responsibility is making sure your children are well taken care of, not him. A major part of that includes ensuring your own financial peace of mind, which wasn’t his priority at all.

That being said, it’s a major red flag that you want to save this relationship but don’t trust him. You’re worried he will cut you off again and you’ll be in the same shitty situation before. I’m not going to tell you to leave him, but I am going to suggest that both of you go into marriage counseling immediately. You need to establish a healthy means of communication if you’re going to try to move forward. You also need move past this without feeling like you are punishing each other. Good luck.

—Athena Valentine

From: My Husband Has Been Financially Abusive For Years. Now The Tables Are Turning. (July 26th, 2021).

Dear Pay Dirt,

Recently, several members of my family have become suspicious that my sister is manipulating our mother to try to move back into their home. It’s a long story that reads like a villain from a novel, but the gist of it is that my sister has previously threatened to put our mom into a nursing home against her wishes and to sue to get control of their house. (Our parents are elderly and disabled now.) I’ve found my sister is badmouthing relatives to Mom and encouraging her to remove them from the will, in addition to trying to move back in. My mother is very superstitious, so she absolutely will not discuss death-related things with us in detail. Mom will not listen to us about our worries about my sister. My father may, but my mother rules the roost, so what she says goes. What can I do? How can we help protect them from my conniving sister? What steps can they take?

—Help Save Parents From Scheming Daughter

Dear Save,

My Mother-in-Law Is Torturing the Entire Family With Her Beloved “Hobby.” I’m the Only One Willing to Do Something About It.

We Held Hands. We Told Stories. He Fell Asleep On My Shoulder. Then He Did Something Totally Baffling.

I Took My Nephews In After My Brother Abandoned Them. Now They’re Furious Over the Ways I “Failed” Them.

My Mom Saw Something on My Phone That She Didn’t Like. Her Response Has Been Horrible—and Hypocritical.

This situation sounds frustrating and hard to watch. And it sucks. What’s even more frustrating is that your parents are adults, and they are going to do what they are going to do—which includes listening to your sister if they choose to. However, I suggest the following.
First, make an appointment with an estate attorney and find out what your options are to help assist with your parents’ care. If they are incapable of taking care of themselves, both physically and/or mentally, you may be able to file for power of attorney, which would allow you to oversee both their medical care as well as their finances. Next, join a support group. Aging Care offers a variety of resources to help you have these hard money conversations along with information about elderly care, law, and housing. Even if they continue to follow your sister’s lead, it’s important to be informed of what you can do versus what you can’t, so you can be ready should the opportunity arise.

—Elizabeth Spiers

From: My Parents Disowned My Brother After He Came Out. Do I Have To Split My Inheritance With Him? (July 28th, 2021).

Classic Prudie

My wife and I are trying to rebuild our marriage after she caught me in bed with another woman. It took almost losing her to realize how much I love my wife. I am 100 percent committed to reconciling with her, but since she only discovered the affair two months ago, her emotions are still very raw. She vacillates between wanting to reconcile and wanting to move in with her best friend so we can separate. I’m terrified she’ll divorce me, and I’ve become clingy.

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