For Erin Holland the road to pregnancy spanned years, with 20 rounds of IVF to get here and there’s a big part of her that still doesn’t really believe it’s actually happening.
“I didn’t have this glamorised idea of what pregnancy would be like, and I think I lost that a very long time ago,” the presenter and model told nine.com.au.
Erin Holland is just weeks away from welcoming her first bub but admits she’s barely considered parenting after a five-year battle with infertility to get here. Instagram/@erinvholland
“After 20 rounds of IVF, and I had four miscarriages along the way… so after all of that, I didn’t think I’d get this far.”
Despite being well into her third trimester now, Holland, 37, admitted that she feels like she’s been “looking over her shoulder” the whole time.
“I feel like I’ve been waiting for it to go wrong the whole time, which is really sad,” she said.
“I’m starting to get excited now, which is nice, now that we’re sort of so far into it and everything’s going OK.”
For Holland, the experience of years of infertility has given her a different perspective and appreciation for pregnancy.
“I think the thing that I’ve noticed the most just through sharing my own story with the wider community is, it’s so common that people struggle and struggle in silence,” she said.
“And just because it was hard to get pregnant, doesn’t mean you’re gonna have a smooth pregnancy, or it doesn’t mean your birth’s gonna go smoothly, it doesn’t mean early childhood’s gonna go smoothly and I think I’m just so aware of that.
“I’m just waiting for the next disaster, and I know it’s terrible.”
Erin and her husband Ben Cutting are slowly getting more excited about the idea that their little one is arriving soon. Instagram/erinvholland
For Holland and her husband, cricketer Ben Cutting, they waited until she was at the 23-week mark before they announced the news of her pregnancy publicly.
With her history of pregnancy losses, she explained the hardest thing has always been falling pregnant and staying pregnant, that she hasn’t even considered being a parent.
“I haven’t even thought about the fact that I have to parent on the other side,” she admitted.
“So now I’m like, ‘Oh my God, I better get organised. What do I actually need?’”
For Holland, it was so hard to just stay pregnant that now the reality of becoming a mum in a few weeks has hit and while it’s been daunting, she said it’s been a fun realisation as well.
“I know that sounds insane to say, but yeah, I genuinely haven’t even given the actual parenting much thought, because it’s just seemed like a bridge too far,” she explained.
“You kind of get stuck in this bit of a sick cycle of thinking you’re gonna jinx everything.
“Because every time you allowed yourself to get excited, it all came crashing down.
“And the more it happened, obviously, the more excited you let yourself get, the harder that fall was.
“So it’s been really hard to sort of admit it’s happening to allow yourself to be excited.”
Erin went through 20 rounds of IVF and four miscarriages before getting pregnant with this baby. Instagram/@erinvholland
The Miss World alumni said it’s hard to respond when people ask if she’s excited about the baby because while she is, she feels like she’s almost been conditioned to believe it won’t work out.
“That personal feeling of inadequacy is a really strange one, because logically, I know it’s, it’s not my fault, and I didn’t make my body the way that it is,” she said.
Holland has several health issues which make it hard to conceive including Asherman’s syndrome, PCO (polycystic ovaries), which is why they had to go down the road of IVF.
While she understands that she did nothing to make this happen, there is a sense of “my body is a failure” despite knowing how illogical that is.
“So, I am still waiting for the penny to drop that this is real, but I’m getting to a point now where I can’t avoid it, and it is parenting coming, and I need to figure out what the hell to do,” she laughed.
After over five years to get to this point, even Holland said that she thinks it won’t sink in until she’s in the hospital with her baby in her arms.
“I genuinely think so, which is really, really sad,” she said.
Although she joked that maybe the reality will sink in a bit more when she and Cutting can agree on a name.
The couple don’t know the gender of their baby and she said that names have been the biggest issue lately and joked it’s like “World War 3” while they try to decide on one.
With so many years of disappointment behind her, Erin admitted that working has kept her sane through this pregnancy. Instagram/@erinvholland
Aside from struggling to accept the fact that this baby is coming in a matter of weeks, Holland admitted work has helped her the most throughout this journey.
“My work has genuinely kept me sane, and, and given me something else to get up for every day and to be busy,” she explained.
“The first couple of rounds (of IVF) you throw everything into it, and it’s so regimented, and like, this is this and this, and then it gets to a point where you’re like, I can’t. I actually have to try and live my life, because it felt like I stopped living whilst I was trying to create a life, if that makes sense.”
Early on in this pregnancy it was “business as normal” for Holland and trying to stay positive and not get lost in negative thoughts, so she didn’t stop working.
“I hosted the World Cup in India and Sri Lanka in my first trimester, because I was well, and I could, and I went to New York for work, sort of, beginning of March, when I was about like 14 to 15 weeks,” she explained.
“I was advised that I shouldn’t travel from 20 weeks onwards, just in case, because of the high-risk nature of the pregnancy, so I haven’t gone overseas since then.
“Otherwise, I’m just trying to work as much as I can.”
Erin and Ben have kept the gender of their baby a surprise. Instagram/@erinvholland
And when it comes to advice for anyone who is going through recurrent loss of infertility, the biggest piece of advice Holland wanted to share is that everyone’s situation is different.
“Everyone’s body is so completely different that I think I, I love that we can all be there for each other as a sounding board,” she said.
While every situation is different, the only thing she will say is that if you are struggling, go and get a second opinion.
The Red Nose Grief and Loss Support Line is available 24/7 for anyone affected by pregnancy loss on 1300 308 307.