The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

The Book of More Men/The Book of Dead Roses/The Book of Broadway/The Book of Friendship/The Book of Destruction

Season 5

Episodes 1 – 5

Editor’s Rating

2 stars

**

Watching Taylor spiraling out between the end of The Bachelorette’s filming and the pause in SLOMW production is harrowing.
Photo: Stephanie Augello/Disney

Welcome back to The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, which has become a lot less fun as it inelegantly navigates the domestic-abuse allegations surrounding its star. The whole five episodes are framed around a countdown to the production pause, which feels especially appropriate once you realize the season is centered entirely on Taylor Frankie Paul and her unraveling. Much of it is entertaining as long as you can ignore that sickly feeling in your gut telling you that this is all much too dark to be consumed like buttered popcorn. We, as a society, are not prepared to discuss the nuances of domestic violence and mental illness on a reality show. Nick Viall should not be leading conversations about DARVO on his podcast. We certainly do not need Zac opining on narcissism and manipulation tactics. And yet, this is what The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives season five has brought us.

While the rest of MomTok goes through it (except for Whitney, who is having the time of her life), they are only ever given half of our attention because Taylor and her eye-wateringly poor decision-making are impossible to sideline. It is as though Taylor has been repeatedly stabbing herself in the face with a fork, and every day her friends must get together and discuss it on-camera. Obviously, this is a sign that Taylor is unwell mentally, because no well-adjusted person forks themselves every morning before breakfast, but it is also so absurd and so regular an occurrence that nobody can think of anything to do besides repeatedly and fruitlessly urge Taylor to stop it. Eventually, this becomes tedious, and the women resign themselves to making little cracks about Taylor’s perpetually tine-marked face, hoping, perhaps, that a little shame might do the trick. It does not help that the headaches occasioned by constant forking make Taylor unpleasant to be around, when she bothers to show up at all. And the worst part is that Taylor can’t explain why she’s stabbing herself with a fork any better than her friends can.

It’s a shame, when there are so many delightful little moments in this season that I’d rather be spending my time on. I would like to know more about Mikayla’s new stoner era. Mayci’s husband, Jacob, has a theory that embryos created through IVF do have souls; they are just frozen along with the embryos and so could theoretically remain safe as long as the cryotank holds out — a feat of religious mental gymnastics that I find fascinating. I want to talk about Jen walking up to the bartender at the purse-rental place in New York City and confidently ordering a “Diet Coke with sugar-free cream,” as though this were a totally normal beverage to request. But no, instead, we must spend all our time on actual trauma. So here we go.

We begin by rewinding to five weeks before production paused. Taylor has just returned from filming The Bachelorette and Dakota is already pulling up to her driveway for a night of you-know-exactly-what. I knew we would have to see Dakota at some point; I was just hoping it would not be quite so soon. At this point in time, Taylor is theoretically engaged to Doug, everyone’s least favorite of Taylor’s top-three men and whom even Taylor seems to have lukewarm feelings about now that they are no longer trapped in the same house. Doug is such a nonentity that when Taylor tells her friends that she slept with Dakota and they point out that she’s cheating, Taylor appears genuinely surprised. “I don’t like the word cheating,” she says without irony. In fairness to Taylor, Doug doesn’t seem a whole lot more interested in her. She plays a voice-mail in which Doug says he “hopes they get an opportunity to talk this week,” and he suggests they cease communication for a three-day break.

Don’t worry about Taylor’s heart, though, because she is already “in love” with someone else. No, not Dakota, and not one of her top-three guys from The Bachelorette. Taylor is talking about Ben. Ben? You know Ben: He’s the mostly silent singer guy who appeared in one season-four episode. Sure. Maybe nobody needs to see this Bachelorette season after all.

Meanwhile, Miranda is, as gracefully as she can, navigating the various ways in which her ex-husband, Chase, is trying to ruin her life. He has a DUI, which has just become public, which makes her sad for her kids. Then Layla informs her that Chase was hooking up with Shinia (the very same), which honestly makes me a little sad for Shinia because, girl, why in the world. Miranda, always a voice of wisdom, asks Chase, “How many times do you need to touch the stove before you stop?” In his own defense, Chase offers that he is “so fun to be around.”

It’s fun to watch Jessi in attack-dog mode, which is how we find her for most of “The Book of Dead Roses,” even if it necessitates more time with Chase onscreen. Chase has gone to the Sundance Film Festival with Marciano (say his name three times and he shall appear) and Dakota for obvious clout-related reasons, and Jessi, who is ostensibly trying to reassemble the crumbling ashes of her marriage, is furious. Mayci and Mikayla have invited Jessi into their ultraexclusive girls’ club this season, and they decide that they should crash Dakota’s birthday party and ambush Chase in front of his white Tesla. This is clearly a mutually beneficial confrontation, as we already know — thanks to the in-show chyrons and the tabloids — that Jessi is soon to make out with Chase and start dating Marciano.

Elsewhere in Utah, Taylor has officially pulled an Arie Luyendyk Jr. and dumped Doug while filming their “happy couple” segment. Only instead of returning to her runner-up, Taylor has decided her heart truly lies with Ben. Does The Bachelorette know that Taylor is now FaceTiming with Ben? No, but Taylor says, “I regret nothing,” which is bone-chilling.

The Mormon wives — including Jen, who hates Whitney, and Jessi, who has a possible hematoma from her last boob job — have touched down in the Big Apple to support Whitney in her Broadway debut. Why is Jen there? Well, we are keeping up the pretense that Whitney is still a part of this show and she needs something to do besides frolic around her enormous New York apartment and attend parties in her own honor. To everyone’s chagrin, Taylor has smuggled Ben into her penthouse hotel room. But because nobody can see them together while Taylor’s Bachelorette NDA remains in place, Ben has to stay hidden in the room for the entire trip. This keeps Taylor anxiously arriving to group activities late and then leaving early, so Ben can tell her how serious he is about this relationship while they take bubble baths together. Naturally, by the end of the week, Taylor has all-the-way cooled on Ben and tells him she’s not ready for a relationship. That part is obviously true, but Miranda, as usual, best describes my own feelings about this: “Why are we needing to use a human being with feelings to get over another human?”

Layla is also having boy problems, though of a very different kind. MomTok, and especially Mikayla, is appalled to discover that Mason hasn’t paid for so much as his own coffee, much less Layla’s, like, ever. Layla is just casually buying Mason $3,000 watches and other extravagant gifts, which she admits might be a symptom of her abandonment issues. Officially sick of watching Mason order drinks on Layla’s tab, Mikayla tells Mason right there at dinner that she thinks Layla is being taken advantage of, which directly leads to Mason and Layla’s breakup. Whether you view Mikayla’s actions here as a good thing or a bad thing depends on how farsighted you are, to be honest. I hate to see Layla sobbing onscreen, but I now know that she has a girlfriend, so I’m actually in favor of this journey for her in the long run.

It’s a pity that Jen’s interactions with Whitney make her so hard to root for, because this woman needs all the support she can get right now. Jen finally gets to have her talk with Whitney, but Whitney is not going to fight a battle she’s already won. Sure, she’ll have the after-brunch chat with Jen because she is nothing if not an entertainment professional, but she’s not giving an inch. Dejected, Jen must then return to Utah and her terrible husband, who has become alarmingly adept at keeping her barefoot and pregnant, when all she wants to do is go out and become a star. Maybe she’ll make music. Maybe she’ll act. Maybe she’ll be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, she thinks, all of which Zac is staunchly against. How distressing it must be for her to then watch Whitney go out and do all of those things with the full support of a man who gladly refers to himself as “Whitney’s husband.” At this point, Zac won’t even do the Mormon-y things Jen wants him to do. She wants to give their daughter a blessing, which would require Zac to become “worthy” with God, which Zac no longer has any interest in doing. “But I thought you hated all the patriarchy of the church,” whines Zac, who won’t allow his wife to pursue acting because that is his “boundary.”

Where is the anti-patriarchal sisterhood of MomTok when you need them? Well, at the moment, they are on a mission to retrieve a $2,000 Cartier ring that Layla gave Mason shortly before he broke up with her. Layla has not sanctioned this endeavor, but Mikayla reasons that Layla will thank them for it later. They are unfortunately waylaid first by Chase, then by Taylor’s own hair trigger. Somehow, Mayci, Mikayla, Jessi, and Taylor’s fight with Chase transforms into a fight between Mayci and Taylor about whether or not Layla really wants to sleep with Mason again. This fight is not really about Layla. Then Mikayla makes an almost unintelligible crack about Doug, which sends Taylor back into a rage spiral. Taylor might not be wrong when she says Mayci and Mikayla act morally superior in a way that grates, but I have a hard time calling her right. Especially when she storms off with Chase in his white Tesla, leaving Mayci to lament that Taylor is once again choosing a man over her girls.

We are rapidly approaching the date of the great production pause of 2025. Jessi is hosting a brunch housewarming party for the new home that she bought and put in her own name but which she is still pretending is also Jordan’s home. Everyone individually has just about reached a breaking point with Taylor. Miranda is focusing her healing energy on the women who might actually benefit from her help: Layla and Jen. Jessi is terrified of Taylor’s online stans. Mikayla has had it up to here, and Mayci has started crying about how little support she’s gotten from Taylor in return for all the love she’s given her.

The substance of the blowout at the bottom of Jessi’s stairs is all in the subtext. Taylor essentially calls Mikayla a miserable bitch. Jen is summoned to pull up three-year-old TikToks proving Mayci and Mikayla’s lack of support for her. Then Mikayla brings up Shinia, which is akin to pulling the pin out of a grenade and tossing it to Taylor. The real problem isn’t any of these things; it’s that Taylor is defensive and in pain because she’s been stabbing herself in the face with a fork for years. Things almost end on a positive note. The women are all in Jessi’s front yard, crying and hugging and apologizing. A sisterhood montage rolls of all the good times MomTok had in the past. Then Taylor reenters the house, and Dakota slithers over for a hug and whispers the most sinister words I’ve ever heard come out of his mouth. “I love you, baby,” he says. “I’ve got you.”

Cut to right before the production pause. MomTok has convened at Jen’s because Taylor has allegedly broken up with Dakota for good. Except Taylor isn’t there. Instead, she calls in and tells the group about the domestic-violence allegations that surfaced in February. Taylor is livid, but no one else knows what to think. To be continued.

Oof.

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