{"id":107537,"date":"2025-08-30T22:47:15","date_gmt":"2025-08-30T22:47:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/107537\/"},"modified":"2025-08-30T22:47:15","modified_gmt":"2025-08-30T22:47:15","slug":"i-won-the-lottery-and-set-up-a-trust-for-my-sister-to-thank-her-for-raising-me-but-now-i-want-that-money-back","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/107537\/","title":{"rendered":"I won the lottery and set up a trust for my sister to thank her for raising me. But now I want that money back."},"content":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers.\u00a0Submit your own questions about money here<\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)\u00a0<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

Fifteen years ago, in my early 20s, I had a winning lottery ticket that paid just under $1 million after taxes. My older sister \u201cElena\u201d made a case that she deserved a share because she stepped up and raised me after our single mom died when I was 7 and she was 20. But I knew giving Elena a pile of money outright would probably do her more harm than good because at the time she was an active drug addict. So, after paying off my college loans and credit card debts and buying myself a small house and a new, reliable car (which I\u2019m actually still driving to this day), I saw an attorney who helped me put the rest of the money in a revocable trust with Elena as the beneficiary.<\/p>\n

Elena has been clean for almost 10 years now. She\u2019s an amazing foster mom to several troubled teens and works part-time, in addition to receiving approximately $22,000 a year from the trust. Meanwhile, with my house paid off, I\u2019ve been able to get by doing the creative work I love. Then I accidentally got pregnant. The father is a good guy and would want to be part of our child\u2019s life, but won\u2019t be able to pay much support. I can\u2019t raise a child on my current income, and if I got a regular job, most of my additional income would be eaten up by daycare, plus I\u2019d be less present, less happy, more stressed, and not as good a mother. Until now I never realized how badly I want to be one. And I\u2019m 38 so this could be my last chance.<\/p>\n

Would it be selfish of me to dissolve Elena\u2019s trust so I can have and raise my child, even if it means Elena needs to work full-time and can\u2019t be as present for hers? Should I worry the resulting stress might cause her to backslide into addiction? My plan would be to use the interest income to make ends meet until my child goes to college, then pay for his\/her education out of the principal, then possibly share what\u2019s left with Elena, if she\u2019s still alive by that point (she\u2019s 51 now, and has some health issues as a result of her past). If this is not an acceptable plan, what would you suggest I do?<\/p>\n

\u2014Pregnant and Poor(ish)<\/p>\n

Dear Pregnant and Poor(ish),<\/p>\n

This sounds like a hard scenario and I want to hold that space for you. Your worry is valid and with either choice you make, it\u2019s going to have an uncomfortable consequence for someone involved.With your generosity, your sister has been able to find a healing path while helping others. It sounds like she has become reliant on this income to help raise her children, so not having it will come as a blow. Taking a substantial part of her income away will add stress and with stress, some addicts relapse, but many don\u2019t. Part of the recovery process is finding coping mechanisms that work for you so that you can handle situations like this. So, while I don\u2019t think taking the trust away is going to cause her to relapse, I do imagine it will spur some hard feelings like resentment. She is, in a sense, trading places with you.<\/p>\n

I do not think you\u2019re in the wrong if you revoke the trust so you can now raise your child while working part-time. When you originally set up your financial affairs, you did not imagine that you would have the opportunity to be a mother. Now that you do, it only makes sense for you to want to enjoy it. That includes rerouting resources to help you with your new circumstances. So yes, it\u2019s going to be hard on your sister but you have shown her nothing but support in her journey of being a mom. I\u2019m almost positive she will be happy to do the same thing for you now.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s going to be a difficult conversation but set a time aside to\u00a0talk to your sister<\/a>\u00a0about the matter at hand in a neutral place such as a coffee shop or a park. If you feel uncomfortable doing it in person, make time for a phone call where you won\u2019t be interrupted. Explain that your new circumstances have led to a change in financial priorities, and while you have been supporting her and her children, you now need to support a child of your own. Ask her what she feels is fair in regards to ongoing support. Maybe you can deduct a\u00a0\u00a0certain percentage of money from her payments every year until you are no longer supporting her at all. Perhaps it\u2019s just helping her out with emergencies. You may be surprised by her answer. I\u2019m definitely curious so keep us posted on what she thinks. I\u2019m sending you the best of luck.<\/p>\n

\u2014Athena Valentine<\/p>\n

From: My Parents Bought Me A House. I Want To Charge My Boyfriend To Live With Me Anyway. <\/a>(June 14th, 2022).<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,\u00a0<\/p>\n

I am getting married in the fall and my best friend since middle school, Mary, is one of two bridesmaids. A bachelorette party is being planned with about seven guests a two-hour drive away. Mary is the only attendee who is married with young kids and she has a tighter budget than the others (I met the other women through work or grad school). In discussing accommodations she said she couldn\u2019t afford the proposed rental and offered to not attend. I asked if I could cover her share which she adamantly refused.<\/p>\n

Then I told her that we should then pick another, less expensive rental (or destination). I said several times that her presence and spending time with loved ones was paramount, which is absolutely true, but she again refused, saying she would be causing me and others to \u201csettle\u201d for a lesser experience. Until now, she seemed excited about a weekend away.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know where to go from here. I know what it\u2019s like to feel self-conscious about money and I don\u2019t want to put that on Mary. (I grew up without much money and found it terribly embarrassing.) I also recognize that American weddings and bachelorette parties are big asks of participants and in no way do I want to be a demanding bridezilla. I am fine with a less expensive rental or locale. At the same time, this could all be solved if Mary would just let me pitch in extra, but I am afraid I might have offended her by offering. What should I do?<\/p>\n

\u2014NOT a Bridezilla<\/p>\n

Dear Not a Bridezilla,\u00a0<\/p>\n

I doubt you\u2019ve offended her by offering, but she may genuinely not want to be the reason you have to change your plans. You also mention that she has two young children, which can make it difficult to spend time away from home. (If her spouse can\u2019t take care of the kids, that can also mean hiring child care and rearranging logistics to accommodate.)<\/p>\n

I understand why you\u2019re disappointed, but you don\u2019t want a bachelorette party weekend where Mary feels like she\u2019s on the receiving end of charity. The weekend wouldn\u2019t be enjoyable for either of you\u2014even more so if she\u2019s not close to the other participants at your party, who you say you met through work and grad school. So I think you have to respect her decision to opt out.<\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t sound like she\u2019s opting out of the wedding itself, and if she\u2019s a bridesmaid, that\u2019s already a big commitment that she has to spend time and money on that she may not really have. Asking her to spend more time and funds for a weekend trip may just be hitting her limits in terms of both. You know personally what it\u2019s like to not have enough money for this sort of thing when others do. I know you\u2019re trying to help, but if you keep insisting, you may be creating more stress for your friend.<\/p>\n

\u2014Elizabeth Spiers<\/p>\n

From: My Stepsister Tried To Steal My House. I Can\u2019t Believe My Family\u2019s Reaction.<\/a> (June 11th, 2022).<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m really screwed up and think others might be in the same boat. I am a single professional who has worked hard all my life, having been employed from the age of 15. Recently, when I turned 63, I kind of retired. Over the course of this time, I\u2019ve saved about $7 million but have no pension except for a couple of annuities amounting to about $1,200 per month. I have a financial planner who has me at about 60 percent equities, 20 percent bonds, and 10 percent cash. My problem is that I\u2019m not dealing well with drawing on my funds and feel financially insecure. My friends, my family, and my adviser tell me I\u2019m fine and have nothing to worry about, but I worry constantly. I shop at discount stores, buy low-end products, live in an apartment I\u2019m not thrilled with, and avoid spending whenever possible. I cannot seem to break out of the \u201caccumulation\u201d phase and into a proper retirement. I turn 65 in several months but don\u2019t see anything changing. Is there a name or condition for what I have? What is the best way for me to deal with this?<\/p>\n

\u2014Money, Money Everywhere but Cannot Spend<\/p>\n

Dear Money, Money Everywhere,<\/p>\n

There are many people, like you, who become accustomed to frugality and living in conditions they don\u2019t really like in order to become financially stable. When they finally are, they\u2019ve conditioned themselves so heavily to worry about money that they have trouble breaking out of those habits. I\u2019m not sure this is a specific condition, but it\u2019s not uncommon.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

After Winning the Lottery, I Gave My Sister a Generous Gift. Now I Want It Back.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I Accidentally Ruined Sex for My Wife. Now It\u2019s Ruined for Me.
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<\/p>\n

I Left My Mother-in-Law and Toddler Alone for a Minute. The Scene I Returned to Shook Me to My Core.
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\n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

Help! I Work in Museums. But What I Just Discovered in One Has Broken Me.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

Part of why you\u2019re having trouble enjoying your money is that there\u2019s probably still some part of you that fears being financially insecure, even though you\u2019re not. This can make spending feel unpleasant. You may even feel irresponsible doing it.<\/p>\n

You need to give yourself permission to do it, and plan for it so that it doesn\u2019t worry you. I would recommend that you meet with your financial planner and set some goals for what you\u2019d like to do with your money, and then budget and schedule these expenses. For example, if you\u2019re not happy with your apartment, look into what it would cost to upgrade to a place you would enjoy living in, and give yourself a budget and deadline for finding something. I think being very intentional about your spending and planning it responsibly will help address some of the discomfort you feel, and once you begin to enjoy the fruits of your years of hard labor, it\u2019ll get easier to spend reasonably without anxiety. If you find that your discomfort with spending persists, even with those interventions, it may be worth seeing a professional therapist to help you get comfortable with your situation.<\/p>\n

\u2014E.S.<\/p>\n

From: I Forced My Wife To Work, But I Regret It<\/a>. (June 3rd, 2022). <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Doree Shafrir
\n I\u2019m on a Leave of Absence from Work for a Very Personal Reason. I Think My Company is About to Use it Against Me.
\n Read More\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

More Money Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

I am currently a stay-at-home \u201chousewife\/dog mom,\u201d with no kids (and never want them). I was making good money before, a $200,000 salary, but was always stressed out and worked 100 hours a week. My husband makes a lot more, so he encouraged me to quit and stay at home with our dog. We have always kept our finances separate but transparent, which works beautifully for us. He writes me $10,000 checks whenever I need more money, which is very generous. We have literally never fought about finances, and have an unusually healthy and happy marriage (I call him my unicorn).\u00a0However, I have been advised to stash some money away \u201cjust in case.\u201d This seems like a terrible, deceitful act, in my opinion, but a tiny part of my brain is like,\u00a0You never know \u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":107538,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[8786,64,63,99,2582,186,184,185],"class_list":{"0":"post-107537","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-au","10":"tag-australia","11":"tag-business","12":"tag-family","13":"tag-finance","14":"tag-personal-finance","15":"tag-personalfinance"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/107537","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=107537"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/107537\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/107538"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=107537"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=107537"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=107537"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}