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Wednesday<\/a><\/p>\n Woe Me the Money<\/p>\n \n Season 2<\/p>\n Episode 7\n <\/p>\n \n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n 3 stars<\/p>\n ***\n <\/p>\n \n I sense the show going for a Frump Tower\/Trump Tower thing, given how gaudy and bleak it all is. We are finally getting the long overdue explanation for what Morning Song has to do with our big picture. Principal Dort and \u201cGideon\u201d (not his real name but, as previously stated<\/a>, I am done learning new names here) met at some sleazy Tiki spot in Florida. Dort wanted to start a cult \u2014 he doesn\u2019t even bother pretending that\u2019s not the endgame \u2014 but thinks he doesn\u2019t have the right face to attract followers. He saw Gideon in The Crucible and knew he\u2019d found his man. OMG, John Proctor is the villain<\/a>! After a sloppy explanation of The Wizard of Oz (famously, the \u201cgreat and powerful Oz\u201d is, in fact, the man behind the curtain\u2026 they are the same guy\u2026 has anyone read a book or movie in their life), these two join forces and get culty.<\/p>\n In the present, Dort sees that Gideon was spotted in Vermont. I love that in Jericho this is front-page news, even though there is a literal zombie on the loose; Also, everyone still reads print in this town. Cute! Dort walks through a secret door in his fireplace and easily finds Bianca and her mom hiding in Iago Tower. He provides even more exposition just in case you didn\u2019t catch it: Dort is the one who introduced Bianca\u2019s mom to Gideon all those years ago. He is Morning Song, and he wants to CASH IN baby!<\/p>\n So of course the Gala is on even though the sheriff assumed they would cancel (see: recent murder on the property; zombie still at large). A compromise is reached: the cops will be taking over campus security, which is super-reassuring, feeling safer already!<\/p>\n Wednesday informs Enid about the latest in premonitions: Enid no longer dies but an Addams does. Agnes is also here with Isaac Night\u2019s Nevermore file, with which Wednesday can confront her parents: Gomez was Isaac\u2019s roommate and \u2014 Gomez quickly confesses \u2014 his closest friend! Wednesday reports that Isaac has fully regenerated and reunited with his family, who\u2019ve stayed in town, despite what they promised Morticia.<\/p>\n You\u2019d think Wednesday wouldn\u2019t go so hard on her mom over her romance novel, seeing as Wednesday can\u2019t even find a publisher willing to work with her on Viper: Teen Detective, and it looks like \u201cBarbara Jean\u201d (AGAIN with the names!) has managed to make it into bookstores. Morticia is still haunted by Hester\u2019s mockery of her work. Wednesday is characteristically unsympathetic and tells her mom the new premonition. \u201cI\u2019d like to sacrifice Pugsley,\u201d Wednesday says.<\/p>\n Bruno goes to Enid because he\u2019s desperate to explain why he was lying to her and cheating on her and generally making a fool out of her. He\u2019s in love with her! But I truly could not care less. Enid consents to attend the Gala with him \u201cas friends\u201d which is, to cite the Scriptures, a bad idea, right?<\/a> Capri bursts in to serve her sole function in this show, which is word-vomit facts about werewolves. If a young Alpha transforms under a full moon she could remain in her werewolf form forever. Personally I think that\u2019s quite enough in the stakes department but Wednesday has decided to complicate matters by adding that, in addition to being a wolf, these alphas are \u201chunted and killed by other werewolves.\u201d Why exactly is the music teacher in charge of this? Does this school not have some sort of expert on the subject, given the number of werewolves who matriculate? Feels like a bit of an oversight!<\/p>\n In the underground bunker, Francoise tends to Isaac-Slurp\u2019s clockwork heart. Tyler has been barred from killing Wednesday so he says they need to get out of town, but his mom has bigger plans. It\u2019s extremely funny to me that Isaac-Slurp is OVER being cockblocked by his buzzkill nephew. He just stomps around like: get this annoying SON out of the way so I can be with my SISTER who I LOVE in a NORMAL way!!! Francoise is all out of the secret special medicine that keeps her from coughing up so much blood that she dies (I think?) and the only place to get more is an animal hospital. Okay! Isaac-Slurp eats the veterinarian\u2019s brains and tells Tyler that Francoise needs Hyde blood, so it\u2019s time for a transfusion from her son. Eventually (the next day?) Tyler wakes up and finds his mom and uncle have a plan: save Francoise and make the Addams family pay.<\/p>\n The Night-Galpins left in such a rush, though, they did not even bother to drag the doghouse over the entrance to their hidey-hole. So Wednesday and Thing find it right after Weems tells us even more backstory: Francoise asked Weems to be her maid of honor, but because Francoise hadn\u2019t told her betrothed about \u201cher condition,\u201d Weems declined and they never spoke again; that\u2019s all well and good but I think we\u2019ve had quite enough backstory for one series, no? Wednesday ends up putting all the pieces together. She chats with Pugsley and Eugene, who has New England Corpse Moths that are connected to Isaac-Slurp because of larvae (the important thing is, they will return to \u201ctheir host body\u201d).<\/p>\n Wednesday ridicules Pugsley for making a zombie. Pugsley laments that he struggled to make any human friends. Despite knowing that one of her family is allegedly marching toward an imminent death, Wednesday shows no concern for her brother. (Again this does not really jive with the Wednesday we met in the series premiere<\/a> who got kicked out of Nancy Reagan High for pulling a violent prank to defend her brother!)<\/p>\n Elsewhere on the ranch, Bianca lies to Ajax about her mother\u2019s situation. Ajax can tell she is lying because she is a terrible liar.<\/p>\n Back in the dorms, Hester is reading and loving Wednesday\u2019s novel. She\u2019s only here because she wants the pleasure of crushing Dort\u2019s spirits in person; she has no intention of donating any of her fortune to Nevermore. She does, however, have a different, generous offer to make: She invites Wednesday to stay with her for the summer and learn the family business.<\/p>\n In Dort\u2019s office, Dort shows Hester his supposed vision for a school of mortuary sciences named after her. I sense the show going for a Frump Tower\/Trump Tower thing, given how gaudy and bleak it all is. Hester rejects him\u2014\u201cFlattery is like formaldehyde: it is to be sniffed, never swallowed.\u201d\u2014so Bianca comes in to Siren-song her into leaving her entire fortune to Nevermore.<\/p>\n Meanwhile, Weems tells Morticia that Hester is using Morticia and Wednesday\u2019s estrangement to pull Wednesday closer to her. She warns Morticia against being too secretive, accusing her of not being honest about \u201cyour true relationship with Francoise and Isaac.\u201d Ahh, more backstory. Can\u2019t wait!!!<\/p>\n Enid is nesting in her Lupin Cage. Hilariously, given what we were just told re: the stakes of Enid\u2019s transformation \u2014 permanent wolf-disfigurement, followed by assassination \u2014 Enid will be allowed to leave the cage to perform her dance at the Gala. Ajax shows up to tell Enid and Wednesday about Bianca and Gideon, to which Enid replies, \u201cBianca had a whole crime drama going on and none of us knew!\u201d<\/p>\n The Addams Family (the titular family!<\/a>) is brought to Dort\u2019s office so Hester can tell them she\u2019s leaving all her spoils to Nevermore. She\u2019ll also be instating a new school policy: No Outcasts without abilities. Turns out Hester boycotted Morticia and Gomez\u2019s wedding and declined all family gatherings over the years because she was underwhelmed by Gomez, an Outcast without a superpower. Morticia says being an Outcast is a state of mind. I\u2019ll be honest, I am genuinely confused on what even makes someone an Outcast\u2026 if it\u2019s not being somehow supernatural, what exactly is it? Am I seriously to believe this identity can be\u2026 vibes-based? So much convoluted backstory, so little coherent world-building. Make it make sense!<\/p>\n Remember how Wednesday was amazing at fencing?<\/a> She and Bianca have a little duel. Bianca confesses that Dort plans to steal Hester\u2019s fortune.\ufeff She Siren-songs Wednesday, but as soon as she leaves, Agnes the Invisigirl materializes to tell Wednesday what just happened. Great teamwork! However: Agnes is dressed exactly like Wednesday and her Single White Female act is irritating the hell out of her hero.<\/p>\n Bianca goes back to Dort\u2019s office and Gideon is there. I burst out laughing at his outfit. Perfect sleazy villain gear. The red turtleneck? A+. Dort assures them that tomorrow they\u2019ll have all the money and they\u2019ll be on a private plane out of this place. Gideon wants his cut and to be done with \u201call you freaks\u201d forever. It is time for a belabored metaphor about masks. Dort has Outcast pride now. He will be taking OFF his mask. He will BURN IT and begin anew! Then Dort literally uses his finger-flames to light Gideon on fire and torch him to a crisp. Incredibly gruesome way to die! It would\u2019ve hit harder if I had cared more about Gideon but I did love the drama.<\/p>\n Gala time! Pugs is dressed like a jester, poor kid. Hester arrives in a gondola and tells Wednesday she\u2019ll be firing the board and reinstating corporal punishment. Wednesday looks sensational. Love her veil\/mask, love the eye makeup, love the pivot from the pigtail braids. Weems also looks fantastic. Wednesday confronts Bianca, who is bewildered about her Siren-song not sticking; Wednesday is taking control of things now and Bianca needs to trust her. They send Ajax to Dort\u2019s apartment to get Gabrielle, and I just have to say I really feel for this woman, whose entire function in the plot is just to be hiding in a room, get rescued and\/or captured from that room, and then be shoved into a different room.<\/p>\n Sofia crashes the gala so Bruno and Enid end things even more officially than they already did. Enid is too evolved to hold Sofia accountable for Bruno\u2019s fuckery. Congratulations to Enid, who I really think should not have been let out of the Lupin cages given the Alpha situation but whatever! Enid is not as breezy about her breakup as I am so she goes to the crime scene to cry about it. She stumbles into Agnes, who is heartbroken over her dismissal by Wednesday. Enid encourages Agnes to \u201cbe your own psycho,\u201d which is great advice. The two decide to join forces for Enid\u2019s dance at the Gala and because Agnes is a stalker, she already knows the routine and can slot into it perfectly.<\/p>\n The Gala is lifeless, and not in the fun death-y way the Addamses love. A dejected Pugsley checks in with Eugene and ultimately bails on this whole shindig, where no one is paying any attention to him.<\/p>\n We are treated to Enid and Agnes\u2019 dance to a new Lady Gaga song she made just for this show<\/a>. Sorry to say I don\u2019t think this is going to hit quite like last season\u2019s big breakout dance sequence<\/a>. Cute to see Thing rocking out, though. Mid-dance, Agnes goes invisible, steals the amulet that protects Dort from being Siren-songed, and delivers it to Wednesday. After the dance, Bianca takes the mic, summoning Morticia and Dort to the stage. She Siren-songs Dort into telling everyone how this event really came together. Helpless, Dort tells all: He ordered Bianca to Siren-song Morticia into asking Hester for a large donation; when that didn\u2019t work, he held Bianca\u2019s mom hostage so Bianca would Siren-song Hester directly; also, despite promising Gideon that he\u2019d split the money, Dort is \u201cnot big into sharing\u201d and so he killed him to keep all the money for himself. It\u2019s all going great until he grabs Bianca and shoots fire out his fingers, threatening to kill her and maybe burn down the whole building. (Nobody thought about the fact that he can burn people with his hands?!)<\/p>\n Fortunately, Ajax finally gets to be useful: He whips off his beanie and stones Dort, who is then crushed by a falling chandelier. RIP! Bianca thanks Ajax by telling him, \u201cYou really rocked his world.\u201d Jesus CHRIST.<\/p>\n Hester is thrilled. What a rush! She can\u2019t wait to have Wednesday with her over the summer, but Wednesday refuses to go \u201cafter the vile comment you made about my father.\u201d That is, unless Hester makes a very sizeable donation, in Gomez\u2019s honor, to Nevermore. Just some good old fashioned blackmail between grandmama and child. How beautiful! Everyone finally realizes that Pugsley is missing, but it\u2019s too late: he\u2019s at the graveyard, being taken away by his only friend, Isaac-Slurp. Bet Wednesday is regretting that nomination now!<\/p>\n VULTURE NEWSLETTER<\/p>\n Keep up with all the drama of your favorite shows!<\/p>\n Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice<\/p>\n
\n Photo: Helen Sloan\/Netflix\n <\/p>\n