{"id":166519,"date":"2025-09-24T19:55:07","date_gmt":"2025-09-24T19:55:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/166519\/"},"modified":"2025-09-24T19:55:07","modified_gmt":"2025-09-24T19:55:07","slug":"my-mom-asked-us-for-money-i-know-shell-just-give-it-to-my-brother","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/166519\/","title":{"rendered":"My mom asked us for money. I know she’ll just give it to my brother."},"content":{"rendered":"

Pay Dirt is Slate\u2019s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here<\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

My 65-year-old mom is a mentally competent adult, but she\u2019s also ruining her life and our relationship. I don\u2019t know if there\u2019s anything I can do.<\/p>\n

My brother has always been in and out of work. He\u2019s smart but can\u2019t really stick to anything or he charms them at first and then doesn\u2019t really follow through. He\u2019s a fun guy, but not reliable. I deal with this by never loaning him money or letting him be close or part of anything critical in my life. I don\u2019t even assume he\u2019ll show up to Christmas when he says he will. And my mom has been paying all his bills on and off, mostly on, for years. But since his divorce it\u2019s been much worse and she\u2019s realizing she won\u2019t be able to retire, and she\u2019s starting to have physical health issues.<\/p>\n

She\u2019s asked me for financial help. If it were a real emergency, we could tighten our budget to help her with groceries and gas, but we have student loans and two kids in daycare so it\u2019s not like we have spare cash. I know that money would just funnel back to him, which I\u2019m upset about, but my husband is even angrier. He wants to set a hard line about this for our budget. I don\u2019t know what to do because I don\u2019t want her to suffer, but I don\u2019t have money to just throw away. If she were willing to stop supporting my brother, she would be financially OK, but she refuses. I\u2019ve talked to her about it multiple times over the years and gotten nowhere. I\u2019ve tried to talk to him, but he is even less receptive. What can I do here?<\/p>\n

\u2014Not His Piggybank<\/p>\n

Dear Piggybank,<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve tried talking to both your mom and brother about the situation, your husband has a point. It\u2019s time to draw a serious line, because the bottom line is that your mom is financially enabling your brother, and you and your family are dealing with the consequences.<\/p>\n

Of course you care about both of them, and you don\u2019t want to leave them out to dry.
At the same time, you have to protect your immediate family, too, and it sounds like you\u2019re already stretched thin with student loans and childcare costs. Money issues can seriously undermine healthy family and relationship dynamics\u2014it sounds like that might already be happening based on your husband\u2019s reaction to all of this.<\/p>\n

You can offer your mom limited help, like paying for her groceries or electric bill, but I would make it a point to pay for these directly. Don\u2019t just give her cash you know will go straight to your brother\u2014draw a line. There are non-financial ways you can support her, too. Maybe help her find ways to reduce her bills. Or talk through her budget. Maybe you could help her set her own boundaries with your brother.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, though, you\u2019ll have to accept that this situation isn\u2019t going to change. Your job is to protect your peace and your household, even if that means saying no to your mom. It\u2019s not an easy thing to do, but at this point, it\u2019s about keeping your own family stable.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

I am a 53-year-old woman. For the last 15 years, I worked as a case manager in social services. Two years ago I began to have health issues\u2014high blood pressure and an irregular heartbeat\u2014which my doctor attributed to stress.<\/p>\n

So I made a change and took a position with a great company, but for considerably less pay. My plan is to stay a year or two, get my health under control, and then move into something hopefully better paying.<\/p>\n

But I worry all the time that I\u2019m falling behind and will never catch up. Often I can\u2019t sleep because of it.<\/p>\n

I have also supported my 90-year-old mother as her caregiver, and often some of my money goes to her care. At present I have $145,000 in assets and investments. I have minimal debt\u2014about $3,000. (I had student loans from uni and medical bills in my 30s that combined totalled $90,000, and I recently finished paying it off.)\u00a0 I do not own a house. God willing, I will work for the next 12 years, and can continue to save for retirement. My situation feels hopeless, but is it really?<\/p>\n

\u2014Would Like to Retire Someday<\/p>\n

Dear Retire,<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Help! There\u2019s a Dark Reason Why I Moved to My New Town. No One Knows.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Everyone Knows You Shouldn\u2019t Do This After a Divorce. Well, Tell That to My Ex-Wife.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Sister And I Each Inherited Over $1 Million. Now Her Recent Request Has Thrown Me for a Loop.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I Hate Running My Business. What Happens When I\u2019m Off Work Is Even Worse.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s start with what you\u2019ve accomplished. You paid off $90,000 in combined student loans and medical debt while caring for your 90-year-old mother. That\u2019s amazing! It takes a kind of financial discipline that doesn\u2019t come easy for many of us. You also recognized that stress was making you sick and made the tough decision to prioritize your health over immediate income. If you\u2019re planning to keep working for the next decade, that\u2019s strategic long-term thinking.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re also in better shape than many Americans your age. The median retirement savings<\/a> for people around your age is about $115,000, so you\u2019re a bit ahead of the curve. And in the future, you\u2019ll very likely be able to increase your savings rate.<\/p>\n

In the meantime, your plan to stay healthy and then seek better-paying work is a sound one. A year or two of lower income won\u2019t derail your retirement if it sets you up for higher earnings later. Plus, those 12 remaining work years give you real runway\u2014 even modest retirement contributions can grow significantly with compound interest.<\/p>\n

Instead of losing hope over what you haven\u2019t saved, it might help to focus on what you can control going forward: maximizing any employer matches, considering catch-up contributions<\/a> down the road, and maybe exploring side income that doesn\u2019t stress you out. You\u2019ve already proven you can handle financial challenges, so no, I don\u2019t think your situation is hopeless at all.<\/p>\n

\u2014Kristin<\/p>\n

More Money Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

A little less than a year ago, I received a pretty large amount of money (about $50,000). That is more than I make in one year. Now, it\u2019s almost completely gone, and I\u2019m not even sure where it went. I used a big chunk of it to pay off my car note and some credit card debt, and I also moved and did some traveling. But I know I\u2019ve been living above my means. I keep using it to cover rent and monthly expenses (as well as expensive purchases) but it\u2019s almost out. I\u2019m extremely embarrassed that I managed to spend this much money in such a short amount of time, but I don\u2019t know where to go from here. Everyone said I had to be careful with this money because it\u2019s easy to spend it all on dumb stuff. And then I\u00a0did\u00a0spend it all.<\/a><\/p>\n

The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Pay Dirt is Slate\u2019s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It\u2019s…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":166520,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[8786,64,63,99,2582,186,184,185],"class_list":{"0":"post-166519","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-au","10":"tag-australia","11":"tag-business","12":"tag-family","13":"tag-finance","14":"tag-personal-finance","15":"tag-personalfinance"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166519","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=166519"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166519\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/166520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=166519"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=166519"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=166519"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}