{"id":167300,"date":"2025-09-25T04:02:09","date_gmt":"2025-09-25T04:02:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/167300\/"},"modified":"2025-09-25T04:02:09","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T04:02:09","slug":"we-can-only-afford-to-have-a-baby-if-my-in-laws-will-help-with-childcare-how-can-i-ask-them","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/167300\/","title":{"rendered":"We can only afford to have a baby if my in-laws will help with childcare. How can I ask them?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Pay Dirt is Slate\u2019s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here<\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

My husband and I love kids, and we had always planned to have our own. But now we\u2019re in our early 30s and have realized kids are probably not in the cards financially\u2014unless we can get some child care help from my in-laws.<\/p>\n

My husband and I have the regular problems everyone has: crushing student loans and inability to afford more than a one-bedroom apartment. I also have a chronic illness that requires expensive drugs and yanks me out of the workforce for chunks of time, and my husband is in a career field that\u2019s getting decimated by AI. We\u2019re trying to work around this. He\u2019s working on a career switch, and I\u2019ve picked up a side gig to try to cover more medication costs during my good months. Together, we make too much to qualify for any type of social programs, but somehow we\u2019re still really financially stressed.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re both grieving that we can\u2019t afford a baby. People say that \u201cit will work out,\u201d but I grew up in a household where my parents \u201clet God choose,\u201d and I don\u2019t want to put my kids through the competition for resources my siblings and I had as kids. My husband\u2019s parents can\u2019t really help us financially, either. They\u2019re clinging to the middle class by their fingernails. They\u2019ve worked hard in life and dream of retiring and finally relaxing.<\/p>\n

My in-laws have been frequently hinting about grandkids. We don\u2019t know how to tell them it\u2019s not happening unless they want to be heavily involved in childcare. I don\u2019t want it to feel like an ultimatum, but that\u2019s literally the only way we could potentially bring up a baby at this point. I don\u2019t want to pressure them because I want it so much, but they\u2019ve never expressed a desire to do that stuff. How do we talk to them? And how do I handle my grief if\/when they say no?<\/p>\n

\u2014Probably Not a Mom<\/p>\n

Dear Probably Not a Mom,<\/p>\n

It\u2019s heartbreaking to feel like you need to reconsider a big life dream because of the financial cost. Be honest with your in-laws about where you and your husband are at with this. You can do this without putting pressure on them.<\/p>\n

Try something like, \u201cWe want to have a kid, but we\u2019re realizing that the only way we could make it work financially is if we have serious help. Childcare is crazy expensive, and probably not something we could afford without some kind of help.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

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The key is to give them time to think about it. So you could let them know that you\u2019re not asking them to respond right away, but give them time to think and then maybe ask if you can sit down and have a larger conversation about it once they\u2019ve had time to process it all.<\/p>\n

Your question about how to deal with grief is harder to answer. Grief is so personal, and everyone navigates it differently. What I can say is that you\u2019re totally allowed to mourn\u2014to feel heartbroken, angry, or confused about this situation. And at the same time, a life without children is no less valuable, worthwhile, or beautiful. It might look different than you imagined, but I am certain it would still be full of joy.<\/p>\n

Also, you and your husband are clearly resilient. You\u2019ve been dealing with a highly uncertain situation, and uncertainty causes a great deal of anxiety, stress, and grief on its own. Whatever you can do to move toward clarity\u2014like being honest with your in-laws\u2014will likely go a long way toward your well-being. It will be OK, even if it takes time to feel that way.<\/p>\n

\u2014Kristin<\/p>\n

More Money Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

My husband and I have been together for 23 years. We met at a startup and he found a clever way to start the business he still runs today. Not long after, I joined the company where we worked together for almost 15 years. The problem is, outside a handful of good years, the business is a zombie. It produces a very modest income and despite general plans for a future payout, there is no measurable progress. I am fed up and exhausted from being the breadwinner.<\/a><\/p>\n

The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Pay Dirt is Slate\u2019s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It\u2019s…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":167301,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[8786,64,63,99,186,184,185,3637,13190],"class_list":{"0":"post-167300","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-au","10":"tag-australia","11":"tag-business","12":"tag-finance","13":"tag-personal-finance","14":"tag-personalfinance","15":"tag-relationships","16":"tag-slate-plus"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/167300","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=167300"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/167300\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/167301"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=167300"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=167300"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=167300"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}