Sometimes money problems aren\u2019t money problems \u2014 they\u2019re marriage problems.<\/p>\n
Sarah from Houston phoned The Ramsey Show because she said her mother-in-law is \u201cholding us back financially.\u201d Her husband\u2019s mom has never been good with money, she added, recalling a period of homelessness after she refused to pay her rent [1].<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Now that her mother-in-law is living with them, Sarah\u2019s husband is considering giving his mom the $1,000 a month they currently spend on day care so she can watch their newborn daughter.<\/p>\n
Anyone who\u2019s been married can understand the bind Sarah is in. She wants to tell her husband she\u2019s uncomfortable with his 60-year-old mother taking on the responsibility of child care.<\/p>\n
\u201cAt one point, she was asking me for money and telling me not to tell my husband,\u201d she said, adding she does not believe her mother-in-law is responsible with money.<\/p>\n
But is the real issue that her mother-in-law is draining their finances \u2014 or that Sarah and her husband aren\u2019t communicating?<\/p>\n
Ramsey Show hosts George Kamel and Jade Warshaw asked how much the couple made annually. The answer: more than $300,000 a year. They also learned that the money for Grandma\u2019s babysitting would come from Sarah\u2019s husband\u2019s separate bank account.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis should be between you and your husband,\u201d Kamel said. \u201cAnd it should be between your husband and his mother. And right now, she\u2019s trying to circumvent him to try to guilt you into it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The couple keeps individual accounts for their own financial priorities \u2014 a setup the hosts said is part of the problem. Their verdict: Sarah has a marriage problem that looks like a money problem.<\/p>\n
The fix starts with presenting a united front, both in their marriage and in setting boundaries with family.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s hard to build financial momentum while running \u201chis-and-hers\u201d accounts and fighting over how much to help relatives in need.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think that\u2019s where he\u2019s finding validation to say, \u2018No, it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m going to keep her here,\u2019\u201d Warshaw said.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause it\u2019s separated, he\u2019s going, \u2018Well, this is a thousand bucks of my own money, what\u2019s it to you?\u2019 That\u2019s probably in the back of his mind,\u201d Kamel added. \u201cIt\u2019s the resentment that\u2019s breeding inside of you that should be the thing you\u2019re paying attention to.\u201d<\/p>\n
Story Continues <\/p>\n
George and Jade recommended moving to a shared budget and shared goals. Two of Dave Ramsey\u2019s money guardrails apply here: First, separate accounts hide problems, while joint planning exposes them. Second, you\u2019re not responsible for funding an able-bodied parent\u2019s lifestyle [2]. Love them, help them plan, but set limits and protect your household.<\/p>\n
Read more: There’s still a 35% chance of a recession hitting the American economy this year \u2014 protect your retirement savings with these 10 essential money moves ASAP<\/a><\/p>\n Caregiving is neither rare nor cheap. AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving estimate that 63 million Americans now provide unpaid care for elderly parents \u2014 about one in four adults [3]. Many report higher stress, worse health and a hit to their savings.<\/p>\n AARP\u2019s research also shows average out-of-pocket costs of about $7,200 per caregiver per year. The total value of unpaid care nationwide is estimated at $600 billion \u2014 more than total U.S. out-of-pocket health spending in 2021.<\/p>\n For Sarah, the situation feels even worse by the fact that she sees her mother-in-law as a spendthrift who could work but chooses not to. Still, she does have some options.<\/p>\n You can care \u2014 and still say no. Here\u2019s how to stop enabling and start helping:<\/p>\n Put your household budget in writing and make all support requests fit into it.<\/p>\n Replace cash handouts with time-limited, specific help that builds skills, not dependency.<\/p>\n Set clear boundaries together as spouses, then deliver them kindly as a united front.<\/p>\n Do not cosign, do not take on their debt, and do not let them live in your accounts.<\/p>\n Offer alternatives. Help them make a budget, find benefits, or meet with a counselor.<\/p>\n Following these steps isn\u2019t easy. Saying \u201cno\u201d to a parent or in-law can bring guilt and tension. But letting resentment build because a couple are not aligned on money is a recipe for disaster.<\/p>\n \u201cLike you said, she\u2019s grown. She\u2019s able-bodied. The lights are on,\u201d Warshaw said. \u201cThere\u2019s no reason in your mind, and I trust that you\u2019re telling us the truth, that she can\u2019t go out and make some money and have an apartment.\u201d<\/p>\n Your first financial responsibility is to your household. The solution to family money drama is to combine plans, get on the same page and set firm boundaries with extended family.<\/p>\n Caring for older relatives is common and costly, but support shouldn\u2019t come at the expense of your marriage or your long-term solvency. Building unity at home, establishing limits with compassion and helping elders find sustainable solutions \u2014 without draining your resources \u2014 is the key to success.<\/p>\n Join 200,000+ readers and get Moneywise\u2019s best stories and exclusive interviews first \u2014 clear insights curated and delivered weekly. Subscribe now.<\/a><\/p>\n At Moneywise, we consider it our responsibility to produce accurate and trustworthy content that people can rely on to inform their financial decisions. We rely on vetted sources such as government data, financial records and expert interviews and highlight credible third-party reporting when appropriate.<\/p>\n We are committed to transparency and accountability, correcting errors openly and adhering to the best practices of the journalism industry. For more details, see our editorial ethics and guidelines<\/a>.<\/p>\n [1]. The Ramsey Show<\/a>. \u201cHow Do I Tell My Husband His Mom Is Holding Us Back Financially?\u201d<\/p>\n [2]. Ramsey Solutions<\/a>. \u201cMoney and Marriage: 7 Tips for a Healthy Relationship\u201d<\/p>\n