Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 40 years. He has two adult sons in their 60s and I have an adult daughter in her 50s. <\/p>\n
Over the years we have helped one son, who has two children and my daughter, who has one child, while they were going through divorces with large sums of money in order for them to keep their houses. We have contributed to all three grandkids with college 529 funds.<\/p>\n
The other son has never married, has no children, owns his own condo, and has a good-paying job and spends all of it on whatever he fancies. He has a longtime girlfriend who supports herself. She stays with him a day or two a week.<\/p>\n
He feels that we should \u201cgift\u201d him the same amount of money that we have given the other two children, which would be more than $20,000.<\/p>\n
Financially we could do it, but we are 76 and 87 and are concerned about future health issues or other unanticipated issues that may arise. <\/p>\n
What should we do?<\/p>\n
\u2013 Unsure About the Future<\/p>\n
Dear Unsure: Your son is trying to treat an emotional quandary as if it\u2019s a ledger that needs balancing. Your generosity to his siblings in times of need has nothing to do with him. But, as siblings are wont to do, it\u2019s not surprising that he\u2019s comparing their lives to his and asking for \u201cfairness.\u201d This isn\u2019t the same as a parent bringing two young children home a tasty treat from a business trip and neglecting a third. And even though it may feel to him like he\u2019s getting the short end of the stick, his feelings are his responsibility. He\u2019s not owed this money. (And it\u2019s not because he can afford to do without it. It\u2019s because it\u2019s not his money. It\u2019s yours!)<\/p>\n
What is unfair, and shortsighted, is his request that you give him a sum of money large enough to potentially destabilize your lives should your health decline or you need more extensive care as you age. This stability needs to be the priority. Tell him that you have concerns about the future and, before he can further decide what you\u2019re going to do with your money, tell him that you\u2019re working with a financial adviser and\/or estate planner to provide for yourselves and, eventually, for him. And then do actually seek out the advice of a professional for now, for later, and for after you\u2019re gone.<\/p>\n
As you make decisions about your estate, you can share that information with your children, if you want. This may help them to manage their expectations and emotions. You can be transparent about your thought process. But if your son is keeping tabs on what checks you\u2019ve written to his siblings, that\u2019s not a problem you are responsible for fixing.<\/p>\n
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com<\/a> or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram<\/a> and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com<\/a>.)<\/p>\n \u00a92025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC<\/p>\n If you purchase a product or register for an account through a link on our site, we may receive compensation. By using this site, you consent to our User Agreement<\/a> and agree that your clicks, interactions, and personal information may be collected, recorded, and\/or stored by us and social media and other third-party partners in accordance with our Privacy Policy.<\/a><\/p>\n