\n But you can defuse your disagreements so that they are not perpetually difficult \u2014 or fatal \u2014 for your relationship.\n <\/p>\n
\n How?\n <\/p>\n
\n Start by recognizing that money fights are usually about something bigger. Then explore what those bigger issues are so that you each can better hear where the other is coming from.\n <\/p>\n
\n That\u2019s just some of the advice Heather and Douglas Boneparth \u2014 an attorney and certified financial planner, respectively \u2014 offer in their new book \u201cMoney Together: How to Find Fairness in Your Relationship and Become an Unstoppable Financial Team.\u201d\n <\/p>\n
\n The married couple \u2014 both 40 and now the parents of young children \u2014 examine their own issues around money and those of other couples they interviewed \u2014 to learn how to handle money conversations better.\n <\/p>\n
\n The specifics of couples\u2019 disputes differ. But Faupl finds the most common types of money disagreements revolve around:\n <\/p>\n
\n Saving and spending: One partner may have a much higher bar to feel financially secure, while the other may prioritize living life for today.\n <\/p>\n
\n \u201cBoth perspectives are right,\u201d Faupl said.\n <\/p>\n
\n The question is whether each partner can appreciate where the other is coming from and find a middle ground that works for them both.\n <\/p>\n
\n High levels of debt: Whether a couple gets into a lot of debt together, or one partner amasses it, it is fertile ground for a fight over how to manage it and how long to tolerate it, he said.\n <\/p>\n
\n A couple with kids, for instance, has to make a lot of ongoing money decisions around that debt: Should we take a family vacation? Should we get a bigger house? Where should we cut back? Who should give up what?\n <\/p>\n
\n Disparities in wealth: One spouse might come from wealth or may have amassed it in their career, while the other hasn\u2019t. Or there could just be a big disparity in partners\u2019 salaries, which can lead to a lot of uncomfortable discussions about divisions of labor and who has more say over money decisions.\n <\/p>\n
\n When you\u2019re on the verge of a money fight with your partner, try asking yourself the following questions before going off:\n <\/p>\n
![\"Heather](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/heather-doug-portraits-35.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
\n Question 1: Is this something we need to figure out right now? Or can we schedule a better time to talk about this constructively?\n <\/p>\n
\n \u201cTime, place and environment matter. Couples fight the most when they choose the wrong moment,\u201d said Heather Boneparth. \u201cWe were culprits of bickering over money at 5:30 pm when our babies were throwing food across the room.\u201d\n <\/p>\n
\n Question 2: Is what we\u2019re arguing about really the issue?\n <\/p>\n
\n Douglas Boneparth recalled one couple they interviewed where the wife had a meltdown after her husband bought an extra croissant at a 7-Eleven. Turns out, the croissant was innocent. The problem for the wife was that she felt her husband was not living up to their years-earlier agreement to split expenses evenly. The blowup taught them that the old arrangement wasn\u2019t working for either of them.\n <\/p>\n
\n They realized \u201cwhat was fair before really wasn\u2019t fair anymore,\u201d Boneparth said.\n <\/p>\n
\n Understanding the current context for your partner\u2019s actions can help too. Why did the wife lose it at that particular moment? Her outburst coincided with her concerns that she might lose her job.\n <\/p>\n
\n Question 3: What are we doing right?\n <\/p>\n
\n Going in to a contentious money discussion with criticisms about your spouse \u2014 or you as a couple \u2014 isn\u2019t a winning approach.\n <\/p>\n
\n \u201cDon\u2019t start with what\u2019s not right or what is broken,\u201d Douglas Boneparth said.\n <\/p>\n
\n Instead, he suggested, start with what your spouse \u2014 and you together \u2014 have been doing right. \u201cYou\u2019ll have a much easier time staying engaged.\u201d\n <\/p>\n
\n While you and your partner may always approach money differently, you still need to make joint financial decisions you both can live with. To get there, keep your eye on the prize.\n <\/p>\n
\n Take investing, for example. If one of you is risk averse and the other isn\u2019t, consider what your shared goals are.\n <\/p>\n
\n Maybe it\u2019s that you both agree you want to retire at 60. The trick is to figure out based on your current circumstances what it would take to reach that shared goal.\n <\/p>\n
\n There are a lot of ways to get there. And what works for you as a couple may not be as binary or extreme in risk-taking as you expect. \u201cIt could be incremental \u2014 maybe not as much as one partner wants but more than you ever would do,\u201d Heather Boneparth said.\n <\/p>\n
\n Lastly, she noted, remember that while the unknown is scary and appetite for risk is individual, \u201cour capacity for risk is joint because we\u2019re together.\u201d\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Money can be a fraught issue for most couples. And no wonder. \u201cWe tend to have rule books…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":244515,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[64,63,99,186,184,185],"class_list":{"0":"post-244514","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-au","9":"tag-australia","10":"tag-business","11":"tag-finance","12":"tag-personal-finance","13":"tag-personalfinance"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/244514","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=244514"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/244514\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/244515"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=244514"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=244514"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=244514"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}