Albanese\u2019s pilgrimage to pay homage at the feet of our lords and masters, the United States of America, is over and he\u2019s back on our selection at the Lodge. Yes, he\u2019s finally come home with cattle now, our Anthony who\u2019s gone a-droving, and he\u2019s returned to enjoying the usual perks of office he loves so well. And who could deny him his perquisites after the extensive display of diplomatic foot-bathing he lavished on The Donald?<\/p>\n
Most of you are unlikely to need a recap, but in case you missed it, last week Kevin Rudd<\/a> sat down at a White House meeting table with Donald Trump \u2013 oh and by the way, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese was there, too.<\/p>\n According to a White House fact-sheet, (I\u2019d caution against placing too much emphasis on the word fact here) the purpose of the meeting was, \u2018ACHIEVING CRITICAL MINERAL AND ENERGY DOMINANCE!\u2019 and \u2018DEEPENING DEFENSE COOPERATION.\u2019\u00a0That\u2019s the Trump White House\u2019s all-caps+bold+exclamation-mark style, not ours. Trump\u2019s White House media statements about Albanese\u2019s visit go further, with other stratospheric and fantabulous outcomes for the USA amounting to eleventy bazillion dollars, but we\u2019ll spare you the Netflix, all-caps details.<\/p>\n So there was our PM, a man who talks and lives in all lower-case letters, sitting up at the table with the man who lives permanently in an all-caps world. For anyone who missed the meeting, the United States produces THE BEST SUBMARINES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD because THIS UNPRECEDENTED INVESTMENT WILL CREATE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF NEW, HIGH-PAYING JOBS FOR AMERICANS while THE USA HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE BEST FRIEND OF AUSTRALIA. Except of course when they\u2019re applying 50% tariffs to Australia\u2019s kitchen cabinets<\/a> (I don\u2019t know either) or steel and aluminium products, then you can all go hang.<\/p>\n Despite over nine months of will-they-wont-they meeting wrangling, Albanese could not have timed his visit more perfectly. Earlier this month, the Chinese government, as is their want, imposed more stringent export controls on their rare earths, curbing their rare earths and related technologies exports in a move China claimed was to, \u201cprevent the misuse of minerals in the military and other sensitive sectors.\u201d Which is the nicest, diplomatically Sinitic way of telling Donald Trump\u2019s America to get fucked.<\/p>\n Enter rare earth-rich Australian Prime Minister, stage left, with Trump at the meeting insisting that rare minerals were \u201cAustralia\u2019s greatest asset\u201d, while every Australian knows it\u2019s actually Kath and Kim. This unTrumpian-like fawning may go some way to explaining why Trump, a man who likes to figuratively and often literally, screw anyone he does business with, laid out the red carpet for Albanese and team. There hasn\u2019t been such deference from The Donald since he paid the last interest installment on his Russian loans.<\/p>\n And while Albo sat there smiling across at men (and yes, it was all men) like John Phelan, the Secretary of the US Navy with zero military experience who owns a ranch charmingly called Big Rack<\/a>, and Pete Hegseth, the aptly named Secretary for War and part-time alcoholic wife abuser<\/a>, it was almost the most golden of meetings. If not for the fact that it was overtaken, in Australia\u2019s media at least, by the delusion that Kevin Rudd\u2019s presence was apparently far more newsworthy.<\/p>\n Andrew Clennell, emerging from the colon of Sky News, provided the grist to the 24-hour news content mills by breaking through the press pack, asking: \u201cHave you had any concerns with this administration \u2013 with the stance on Palestine, climate change, or, even things the ambassador said about you from the past, the Australian ambassador?\u201d Erm, one of those three things is not like the other, good sir. If you\u2019re not familiar with Mr Clennell, he\u2019s described on the Sky News homepage<\/a> with breathtaking modesty, as being solely responsible for, \u201cdriving the national agenda\u201d, an awe-inspiringly prodigious control over Australians and their lives I\u2019m sure they\u2019re completely unaware of.<\/p>\n However, when Trump faked confusion about who the Australian ambassador might be, when he was almost within reach of letting the matter go, in true Aussie school-boy dobbing fashion, Albanese helpfully pointed to Kevin Rudd at the other end of the table. \u201cThat\u2019s him there,\u201d he said, like the stone throwers in Monty Python\u2019s Life Of Brian screeching, \u201cShe did, she did, she threw the stone.\u201d No mention from our Albo\u2122 about the time back in 2017 when he told a Splendour In The Grass audience, \u201cHe scares the shit out of me<\/a>,\u201d about Trump, now his brand-new bestie.<\/p>\n Where this Murdoch culture-wars, plot device becomes an injustice for Australians is that for most of the next 72 hours, the news from the Australian-US meetings was dominated by whether Donald liked Kevin or whether Kevin had or hadn\u2019t apologised for remarks from a decade ago that nobody except National-Agenda-Driving-Andrew appears to remember.<\/p>\n What Australians mostly missed out on was the news that the Albanese government promised to contribute another $1 billion to the U.S government to expand and modernise the United States\u2019 submarine industrial base in Newport News, Virginia. That\u2019s on top of the $1 billion the Albanese government has already spent so far on upgrading the United States\u2019 submarine facilities for them. $2 billion for us to build the USA a manufacturing facility for USA submarines on USA soil? What a bargain for us. That must be what Trump calls, \u201cthe art of the deal.\u201d But excuse me, did you know Kevin Rudd said something about Trump 10 years ago?\u00a0<\/p>\n While the media were obsessing over Kevin\u2019s ancient indiscretions, Australians also missed out on the news that the US Department of War (no, that\u2019s not a Futurama episode) will construct a 100 metric tonne-per-year advanced gallium refinery<\/a> at the Alcoa plant in Wagerup, Western Australia.\u00a0<\/p>\n The White House expanded on this minor factoid by adding that the facility will further advance the USA\u2019s \u201cself-reliance in critical minerals processing.\u201d How about that for a win for Australia? Our minerals being dug up for the USA, and processed here by the USA, by a USA-owned corporation, to ship to the USA? But did we tell you Kevin Rudd once said something about Trump?<\/p>\n It is true the Albanese government had a very low bar to jump after the 2022 election. Anthony Albanese only had to be less shit than his predecessor, Scott Morrison, but can our best hope for the future really be begging for a few scraps in a deal where Australia pays billions to prop up America\u2019s naval shipyards without a guarantee the US will hand over a nuclear-powered submarine in return? Oh Donald, yes please.<\/p>\n Can we really be that thrilled the Albanese government promised the US that Australia\u2019s superannuation funds would increase their investments in the US to $1.44 trillion by 2035, an increase of almost $1 trillion from current levels? Oh yes please Anthony, inject more of our money into the USA<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n