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<\/p>\nIn sum, come on you English! Make a game of it. Put up a little … fight.<\/p>\n
Take it in baby steps. In Brissie, see if you can last into the third day.<\/p>\n
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England opener Zak Crawley made a pair in Perth.Credit: Getty Images<\/p>\n
By Melbourne, who knows? You might have a tail that falls over the line into a fourth day!<\/p>\n
But right now, you aren\u2019t paying your way. Seeing a heavyweight belt the bejesus out of a flyweight might just pass muster for one-off entertainment, but it will pale quickly if it goes on. Listen, I speak with the expertise of someone who once made 73 not out for the Knox under-14Ds.<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t have to flail away at every ball. Try a simple block sometimes. Straight bat, elbow up, protect the wicket. And try not to look so scared all the time. We want to get you out. But it sort of spoils it if it looks like you want to get out?<\/p>\n
You can do this! Baby steps. Three days. Just see if you can make it to three days.<\/p>\n
Boxing Day disaster looms if England don\u2019t shape up<\/p>\n
And listen, my friend Todd Greenberg, just a thought. If England do collapse in Brisbane next week, might it be time to rejig the schedule?<\/p>\n
If the touring batsmen do not rediscover the importance of putting a price on their wicket, the marquee Tests of Melbourne and Sydney could end up dead rubbers. I guess you can\u2019t move the MCG Test from a Boxing Day start, as so strong is that tradition that the sky truly would cave in \u2013 but maybe Sydney could get the first Test next time the Poms are Down Under?<\/p>\n
Beyond the joy of having a live Ashes Test in this town \u2013 where the result truly counted \u2013 the other upside would be having a Test when it is not pouring for the better part of it, as always happens in the first week of January in Sydney.<\/p>\n
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Business as usual at the Sydney Cricket Ground in early January.Credit: AP<\/p>\n
True, that tradition of rain is probably England\u2019s only chance of getting through to the fifth day, but one way or another, we need a five-day Test of wonder, just as in days of yore.<\/p>\n
Bravo, Ben<\/p>\n
Meantime, if I can interrupt this program of being a churlish git for one moment, bravo Ben Stokes for one thing at least. Despite the agony he must have felt after watching Travis Head pull off that extraordinary, match-winning century, the English captain lost none of his sportsmanship. When Head finally did get out, Stokes ran 50 metres to sincerely congratulate him on such a stunning knock. Bravo.<\/p>\n
Empty Cup<\/p>\n
The Davis Cup? Put a fork in it, and turn it over. It\u2019s done.<\/p>\n
As you know, six years ago, after more than a century of tradition that garnered global attention throughout the year, with home-and-away, five-set matches between competing nations, it all changed. In tennis\u2019s answer to one-day cricket, it revamped the format so that the competition was held during November in an end-of-year \u201cextravaganza\u201d, with 18 teams competing at a single, neutral venue.<\/p>\n
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Italy celebrate victory in the Davis Cup final last weekend.Credit: Getty Images for ITF<\/p>\n
The result?<\/p>\n
That\u2019s the point. You had to look it up.<\/p>\n
It was actually Italy who won, just last weekend. They beat Spain in the final, to lift the trophy for the third time in a row, despite never having won this century under the old format. But neither Jannik Sinner nor Carlos Alcaraz played. Seems they don\u2019t care much either.<\/p>\n
My vote?<\/p>\n
Go back to the old system, but play it every two or three years. What we do know is that this format simply doesn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n
What they said<\/p>\n
English captain Ben Stokes on the Travis Head assault<\/a>, where he all but single-handedly slayed England with a century in 67 balls: \u201cIt was so hard to be able to continue with plans that we tried to implement, because he had an answer to everything.\u201d Cue Mike Tyson: \u201cEveryone has a plan until they get punched in the face.\u201d<\/p>\n Loading<\/p>\n Head on his stunner of a century: \u201cIt\u2019s been brewing for a bit. I thought it was the right opportunity to do it. I felt like we lined up a bit better that way. I was pretty keen to try and take some pressure off .\u201d<\/p>\n England coach Brendon McCullum wants his Bazball disciples to keep the faith: \u201cWe know what our best game is, what gives us our greatest opportunity. We\u2019ve been in this situation before … we played South Africa and lost in two days that first Test and came back and won that series 2-1.\u201d<\/p>\n Geoff Boycott is not a fan<\/a> of the English cricket team: \u201cThey never learn, because they never listen to anyone outside their own bubble because they truly believe their own publicity. Now it has bitten them in an Ashes Test.\u201d<\/p>\n Darren Lehmann on English fans still bringing up sandpaper gate to sledge Steve Smith: \u201cIt is only the ones that drink too much and carry on like pork chops. We did the wrong thing, accept it and move on. You try to move on the best you can. You get reminded every day, and that is part and parcel.\u201d At what point in our rich and varied history did pork chops so disgrace themselves that they have become a byword for painful carry-on? Discuss.<\/p>\n English fast bowler turned commentator Stuart Broad, on his reactions to England\u2019s implosion going viral<\/a>: \u201cI think that was exactly how every England cricket fan felt, if I\u2019m honest. You just wanted to close your eyes for 10 seconds and just hope it wasn\u2019t true, what you were watching. That got clipped up and put on social media and turned into a bit of a GIF.\u201d<\/p>\n Jake Paul, whoever he is, on his upcoming fight against Anthony Joshua, whoever that is: \u201cHe\u2019s going to have to kill me to stop me, and I\u2019m ready to die. Seriously. Ready to die in the ring to win this fight.\u201d Zzzzzzz. Stop the fight! And as a matter of fact, stop hitting each other in the head. It never ends well.<\/p>\n Luc Longley on Josh Giddey\u2019s season with the Chicago Bulls: \u201cObviously we don\u2019t want to compare him with Michael [Jordan], but appetite for competition \u2013 were it to be \u2018statted\u2019 \u2013 I think Josh is elite.\u201d<\/p>\n Australian Chicago Bulls guard Josh Giddey.Credit: AP<\/p>\n Wallabies skipper Harry Wilson, after the final close-but-no-cigar Test of the season, a defeat to France<\/a>: \u201cI just feel disappointed that we probably let our group down with the results. If there\u2019s a lot of criticism back home, I\u2019ve been trying not to look at that sort of stuff because it\u2019s quite crippling if you keep looking at that.\u201d<\/p>\n Sarah Walsh, former Matilda and chief operating officer for the upcoming Women\u2019s Asian Cup, where Matildas fever will likely take off once more: \u201cSome parts of the market have been waiting for this bubble to burst for the Matildas, and it hasn\u2019t happened yet.\u201d<\/p>\n Wests Tigers CEO Shane Richardson:<\/a> \u201cPerth have to stand on their own two feet, there should be no salary cap concessions whatsoever. If they can\u2019t make a go of it, it\u2019s a poor situation, especially in a one-team town. There are nine clubs operating in Sydney. It\u2019s bullshit on every level if they think they\u2019re going to get concessions.\u201d Oh, and welcome to the NRL!<\/p>\n Cameron Smith, now ranked No.345 in the world, on his poor year after he missed another cut last week: \u201cIt\u2019s kind of been the story of the year, I guess I thought I\u2019ve played better than what I\u2019ve scored.\u201d<\/p>\n Team of the week<\/p>\n Loading<\/p>\n Australian cricket team. In the First Ashes Test, they put England to the sword with moustachioed braggadocio in under two days.<\/p>\n Wallabies. Statistically, they had a very ordinary spring tour, losing all four Tests. However, against Ireland and France, they really did play some stupendous rugby. I maintain that this is the year the foundation stones<\/a> for a great team have been laid.<\/p>\n Socceroos. Speaking of draws, their World Cup draw is early next Saturday morning.<\/p>\n Oscar Piastri. Looks like his Formula 1 title hopes are all but gone.<\/p>\n Italy. Won the Davis Cup for the third year in a row. How did you not know that? It\u2019s almost like no-one cares?<\/p>\n RIP Allan Moffat. The four-time Bathurst champion<\/a> died, aged 86. He was quite the legend in his day.<\/p>\n![\"Australian](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/5f48fadd31902c153b07dad05b7fd78d0be86563.jpeg\")
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