Imagine going to a work Christmas party and being greeted not by your current workmates and bosses but by everyone you\u2019ve ever worked with. Imagine the mix of dread, nostalgia and excitement that would bring on. That\u2019s how I feel every time I walk into Coles Broadway.<\/p>\n
After trying 291 supermarket products for 14 taste tests this year (one more than last year\u2019s haul<\/a>) I feel as if I know all the characters in there and, despite only having relatively short interactions with many, I have strong opinions about all of them.<\/p>\n I want to tell everyone my opinions but supermarkets aren\u2019t particularly welcoming places for giddy soap-box speakers. I once saw a man looking lost in the instant coffee section and excitedly told him I\u2019d tried every brand<\/a>, and asked if he needed help. He raised one eyebrow, and simply said no. Another time, in the muesli<\/a> aisle, I asked a woman if she needed help choosing. She replied: \u201cI don\u2019t need help.\u201d<\/p>\n It was me who needed help. I needed an outlet, a place to blurt everything I\u2019ve kept rumbling in my head all year. This is my outlet. This is what I thought, felt and learned from trying hundreds of Australian supermarket aisle foods this year.<\/p>\n Price is a terrible indicator of deliciousness<\/p>\n Before I started these taste tests, I had a bad habit. Any time I planned to make a new recipe, particularly if I was serving it to guests, I would buy the most expensive version of every ingredient, assuming the most expensive items would deliver the best taste. I am both embarrassed and thrilled to realise there is almost zero correlation between price and deliciousness. This year the most expensive product (by weight) only won once<\/a>, in the salami taste test. In the olives taste test<\/a>, the priciest option came last.<\/p>\n Packaging? Price? Neither are a good indicator of flavour. Photograph: Jessica Hromas\/The Guardian<\/p>\n I crunched the data on the most expensive product from each taste test I did this year \u2013 the median score was just a six out of 10. I did the same with the cheapest option from each taste test \u2013 the median score was also a six. Incredible.<\/p>\n I can make two conclusions here: 1. Deliciousness exists at both ends of the price spectrum, and 2. Most products in the supermarket, regardless of price, are average.<\/p>\n So is packaging<\/p>\n Next I investigated the most luxurious-looking brands from each taste test: products with fancy illustrations, organic certifications, aristocratic colour schemes and claims about the provenance of their ingredients. The median score of all those products: five out of 10. Also incredible.<\/p>\n Taste is more objective than I thought\u2018We may all have different experiences \u2026 but the human nose and tongue is designed to do the same thing.\u2019 Photograph: Isabella Moore\/The Guardian<\/p>\n As a Guardian commenter, AdvocadoOnToast, says: \u201cThe idea that a group of random people\u2019s personal tastes are relevant to everyone else seems like a waste of time.\u201d I used to think the same but now, mostly influenced by doing this job, I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n We may all have different experiences and genes but the human nose and tongue is designed to do the same thing \u2013 warn us of unsafe foods and reward us for eating things that will give us energy and sustain us. That\u2019s why mangoes \u2013 high sugar, high acid \u2013 are more popular than dragonfruit, and why ragu, packed with umami-producing amino acids, is more delicious than mugwort.<\/p>\n Those same principles apply to deciding which brand of milk is better than another but the process is complicated by our preferences. To give a practical explanation, if every human being on Earth joined in on these blind taste tests, there would still be a lot of disagreement about which olive is a six and which is a seven out of 10. But I think we would still unanimously vote Monini L\u2019Oliva Leccino Pitted<\/a> last.<\/p>\n Packet instructions are terriblePrepping for the mince pie taste test. Photograph: Isabella Moore\/The Guardian<\/p>\n Packet cooking instructions are rarely designed to get the best out of the product, they\u2019re there to convince you to buy it. They spruik quick cooking times and small serving sizes, telling you this is an easy product that will go a long way. But undercooked meat pies<\/a> and bad coffee brews<\/a> prove otherwise. As a fellow taste tester said, you have to \u201cuse your eyes, mouth and brain\u201d. If you don\u2019t have the capacity or confidence to do that, just add a little more cooking time or dosage than the packet says.<\/p>\n It\u2019s very enjoyable to eat 15 sorbets in one sittingSpoons at the ready for the sorbet taste test. Photograph: R\u00e9mi Chauvin\/The Guardian<\/p>\n Most taste tests are like following your favourite team during a rollercoaster season: the highs and lows are so extreme and chaotic, it can leave you feeling a little unhinged. But the sorbet taste test<\/a>, and to a lesser degree, the chocolate ice-cream one<\/a>, were simply pleasant afternoons with friends, chatting over rather pleasant foods.<\/p>\n Eating 19 crackers in a row is an awful and confusing experience<\/p>\n I asked one of my regular fellow taste testers about their thoughts for the year and they said: \u201cSomething you thought was completely reasonable and acceptable before, turns out to be absolute inedible trash in the lineup.\u201d This sentiment comes up at least once in almost every taste test but during the cracker taste test, it came up in almost every round. After sampling 19 crackers, one taste tester said: \u201cI felt like a jellyfish that had been beached on the sand and was slowly drying out from the inside out.\u201d<\/p>\n South Australia makes great sorbet<\/p>\n There\u2019s not much more to say about Golden North sorbets<\/a> other than a thank you to the Guardian readers (Donald5252, MaxyMillions, Brenty56, TheAppilaKid, Gooseygirl and TMoore) who encouraged me, a New South Wales resident, to try harder to get my hands on some South Australian products.<\/p>\n Beware the villains that lurk in the supermarket aislesOlives ahoy. Photograph: Isabella Moore\/The Guardian<\/p>\n At the end of every year my friends and I nominate who our person of the year is, someone who had a big impact, whether it was a stranger you met in a brief encounter or a loved one who\u2019s been particularly present. This year, one of those friends asked me who my villain of the year was.<\/p>\n All I could think about were the villainous flavours I\u2019d ingested: the meat pie<\/a> I never want to see again, the pickles<\/a> that taste like soft drink carbonated with fart, Persian fetas<\/a> salty enough to make a professional cheese judge wince, coffees<\/a> that smell like ashtrays, protein-boosted chocolate ice-creams <\/a>with the appeal of cardboard-flavoured granita, and an olive brand<\/a> that attracted these taste-tester comments, which I compiled into a poem:<\/p>\n Loss for words.
Back to the toxic.
Metallic bitterness.
Old mop bucket.
Reminds me of cigarette.
Not good. Not good.
Why are they being sold as food?
Absolutely fuck this olive.
Ugly Olives.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Imagine going to a work Christmas party and being greeted not by your current workmates and bosses but…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":378833,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[43,44,41,39,42,40],"class_list":{"0":"post-378832","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-headlines","8":"tag-headlines","9":"tag-news","10":"tag-top-news","11":"tag-top-stories","12":"tag-topnews","13":"tag-topstories"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/378832","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=378832"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/378832\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/378833"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=378832"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=378832"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=378832"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}