Dear Annie: I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago. I\u2019ve been through surgery and radiation treatments. According to the oncologists, I should now consider myself a \u201csurvivor.\u201d Since I have scars, I\u2019m taking medication for the next 10 years that has potentially really bad side effects, and the chance of reoccurrence is a definite possibility, I don\u2019t feel like a \u201csurvivor.\u201d<\/p>\n
I readily admit that I\u2019m depressed. I maintain that this is a perfectly reasonable reaction to something bad that has upended and changed my whole life for the foreseeable future. I\u2019m not suicidal, and although some mornings are hard, I get up every day, shower, brush my hair and teeth and maintain my usual schedule.<\/p>\n
The worst thing to me about cancer is that I can\u2019t talk to anyone because I\u2019ve gone from an actual person with thoughts and interests to people only wanting to know about the cancer. It\u2019s all anyone asks about. That being the case, I tried to talk to people about how I feel, but the word \u201cdepressed\u201d freaks people out more than \u201ccancer.\u201d Now I just say I\u2019m fine or OK to make others feel comfortable, which applies to my doctors as well. <\/p>\n
I don\u2019t need medication, and I tried online and in-person group discussions a few times, and they aren\u2019t for me. I\u2019ve noticed the same thing with people who lose a loved one or have something else bad happen — they aren\u2019t allowed to be depressed. <\/p>\n
When did it become shameful and something that needs to be fixed when people have a true human emotion to events? Sad things should understandably make us sad — and maybe depressed? Please note, I\u2019m not talking about people with real diagnosed clinical depression or other mental issues. — Sad \u201cSurvivor\u201d<\/p>\n
Dear Sad \u201cSurvivor\u201d: The word \u201csurvivor\u201d may sound triumphant, yes, but it doesn\u2019t cancel out the fear, pain and lifelong change you\u2019ve endured to get here.<\/p>\n
It is a victory to be where you are today, and there\u2019s nothing troubling about feeling conflicted. What is troubling is feeling you have to hide it — especially from your doctors, who need the full picture, whether it\u2019s pretty or not. You\u2019re allowed to say, \u201cI\u2019m getting through it, but it\u2019s still hard,\u201d and you deserve people in your corner who can hear that without panicking or minimizing it, no matter how uncomfortable it may make them.<\/p>\n
Healing doesn\u2019t happen overnight. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes and ask honestly for the support you need. A survivor isn\u2019t someone who feels strong all the time; it\u2019s someone who keeps going despite hardship. By that measure, you absolutely are one.<\/p>\n
Dear Annie: After 15 years, my wife says she is filing for divorce. I\u2019m disabled and don\u2019t drive. I work part time and receive disability money. My wife has always helped me get to and from work because I don\u2019t drive myself, and she also handles our bills.<\/p>\n
I still love her, and I need to know why she has become so bitter toward me. And why did she wait till now, after I sank so much money into this life we\u2019ve been building? What changed? — Stunned Spouse<\/p>\n
Dear Stunned Spouse: I\u2019m so sorry. The end of a marriage is always sad, but when you don\u2019t see it coming, it can feel especially blindsiding.<\/p>\n
Perhaps the question isn\u2019t what suddenly changed but what has built up over a long time. From what you describe, your wife has carried a lot of the day-to-day — transportation, paying bills, keeping everything afloat — which can wear a person down. That doesn\u2019t mean this is your fault, but it might explain some of the \u201cbitterness\u201d you\u2019ve picked up on.<\/p>\n
If she\u2019s willing, ask for an honest conversation. You might not be able to change her mind or salvage the relationship, but getting some answers can help you at least make sense of its ending.<\/p>\n
In the meantime, focus on building independence where you can — transportation alternatives, financial management, legal advice. It\u2019s important to start planning how you\u2019ll take care of and protect yourself going forward.<\/p>\n
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n