Dear Annie: My best friend and I have been close since college. He is the person who helped me move into my first apartment, who showed up with coffee during finals, who still remembers the name of my childhood dog. That is why it hurts so much to watch him repeat the same pattern that already cost him almost everything.<\/p>\n
Years ago, his gambling addiction wrecked his marriage and he lost his home. I remember the day he called to tell me his wife was done. His voice sounded hollow, like he already knew he had finally run out of chances. Not long after that, he was sleeping on a friend\u2019s couch and trying to act like it was no big deal. I even helped him pack up boxes from what used to be his house, and I can still picture him standing in the empty living room pretending he was fine.<\/p>\n
He has rebuilt parts of his life since then. He works as a Realtor, and when he is doing well, he is funny and upbeat and full of energy. When business slows down, he spirals. He calls me to complain about making ends meet, and I can hear the fear underneath his voice. What makes my stomach drop is that sometimes when he calls, I can hear poker chips clicking and that familiar casino noise in the background. He will talk about bills like he is drowning, but he is sitting at a table.<\/p>\n
I have not loaned him money in a long time because I do not trust where it will go, but I have never said that out loud. I want to confront him, but he is a proud and touchy person, and I do not want to create a fight or push him away.<\/p>\n
How do I tell him I am worried and draw a firm line about money, without losing someone I love like family? — How Do I Keep My Friend\u2019s Money in His Pocket?<\/p>\n
Dear Keep Friend\u2019s Money in His Pocket: The sound of poker chips in the background while your friend worries about bills is not an effective form of stress relief. It is the problem talking.<\/p>\n
You cannot keep his money in his pocket, but you can keep your money out of his addiction and keep your friendship honest. Call him when he is not at the casino and say, \u201cI love you and I\u2019m worried. When I hear casino sounds and then hear you panicking about money, it scares me. I\u2019m not going to loan you money, and I don\u2019t want to pretend this isn\u2019t happening.\u201d<\/p>\n
If he gets touchy, do not debate or lecture him. Repeat the boundary once and offer one lifeline: \u201cIf you ever want help finding support like Gamblers Anonymous or a counselor, I\u2019ll help you.\u201d Then change the subject or end the call.<\/p>\n
A friend is a friend, and you are not a bankroll.<\/p>\n
Read more Dear Annie <\/a>and other advice columns.<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cHow Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?\u201d is out now! Annie Lane\u2019s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing<\/a> for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Dear Annie: My best friend and I have been close since college. He is the person who helped…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":439058,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[35],"tags":[64,63,137,514,515],"class_list":{"0":"post-439057","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-mental-health","8":"tag-au","9":"tag-australia","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-mental-health","12":"tag-mentalhealth"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/439057","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=439057"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/439057\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/439058"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=439057"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=439057"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=439057"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}