After spending hours mocking women\u2019s affordable footwear in drunken scenes, a Married At First Sight bride is confronted by the experts on Sunday night only to excuse herself for the bathroom before disappearing forever \u2013 which is great because we can only assume she\u2019s now deep in the sewer along with her attitude.<\/p>\n
Welcome to the Mean Girls apology tour. Everyone has prepared statements. Some are crying. Most are lying.<\/p>\n
Then an expert says something true and one bride immediately remembers she needs to use the toilet. That toilet apparently leads directly to the car park \u2026 and then the freeway \u2026 and then back to the Gold Coast.<\/p>\n
JAMES WEIR: Read all the recaps here<\/a><\/p>\n It\u2019s the morning after the drunken dinner party<\/a>, where recent quitter Brook made a surprise return and recruited Gia and Bec to attack the other wives. <\/p>\n We find Alissa crying in the bathroom about being called a \u201cratchet idiot\u201d with questionable hair extensions<\/a>. <\/p>\n \u201cBrook is bullying,\u201d she sobs while thinking back over the hours of vitriol that was spewed at her. <\/p>\n Meanwhile, Brook is in her own suite explaining she didn\u2019t have a plan for last night \u2013 she just approached it with the kind of frivolity one might apply to a last minute weekend trip to Fiji. <\/p>\n \u201cThe funny thing is \u2026 I just thought I\u2019d surprise everyone and see where the night takes me,\u201d she beams to us. <\/p>\n Turns out, the night took her directly to a three-hour seminar on why faux leather is unacceptable \u2013 and she anointed herself the keynote speaker.<\/p>\n She\u2019s confused by the upset reaction. <\/p>\n \u201cYou can hear it in the hallways \u2013 everyone\u2019s crying and shit,\u201d she sighs, as if the wailing and sobbing is just atmospheric noise, like rain on a tin roof. <\/p>\n She then attempts to spin the narrative: SHE wasn\u2019t the problem. She was simply DEFENDING herself, after being pummelled with lies and slander. <\/p>\n \u201cBeing called a bully, I then react to that. I don\u2019t regret having a voice and speaking my opinion,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n You\u2019re a real trooper, Brook. <\/p>\n It\u2019s one of many excuses she has given. The others are more typical: those conniving producers allowed her to get drunk so, really, THEY\u2019RE the ones who are responsible for what unfolded. <\/p>\n Though in the harsh morning light, as the sun beams through the windows of Trash Tower, Brook doesn\u2019t seem hungover \u2013 which either means she has the constitution of a dock worker or the whole drunk excuse is as fake as the leather on the Target stripper boots she was shaming Alissa about.<\/p>\n MORE: \u2018Cold, sterile\u2019: Secret MAFS location exposed<\/a><\/p>\n The commitment ceremony kicks off with a flurry of apologies. Bec goes first \u2013 not because she\u2019s the most remorseful, but because she\u2019s hoping to get ahead of the lecture by admitting wrongdoing early. Nice tactic: pleading guilty to get a lighter sentence.<\/p>\n Then Gia takes her turn. <\/p>\n \u201cFirstly, I wanna apologise to the entire group,\u201d she announces.<\/p>\n As a woman who proudly confesses to having \u201cfake lips, fake teeth, fake tits\u201d, we think she can add this apology to the list of things about her that aren\u2019t real. <\/p>\n Expert John Aiken cuts through it immediately: \u201cYour behaviour last night was ugly. It was mean.\u201d<\/p>\n Gia\u2019s defence? She had a fight with Scott before the dinner party where she told him that she \u201ccan get any guy\u201d she wants, so really, screaming about other women\u2019s hair extensions was just \u2026 \u201cself-sabotage\u201d? The logic isn\u2019t entirely clear. <\/p>\n MORE: MAFS psychologist\u2019s $5.8m payout<\/a><\/p>\n There\u2019s also some he-said-she-said drama about whether Danny told Gia she\u2019s his type, but honestly? We really don\u2019t care. Bec\u2019s sobbing, Danny\u2019s denying, Gia\u2019s swearing on her daughter\u2019s life \u2013 it\u2019s all very tedious and we can\u2019t help but think Bec gets a total adrenaline rush from being at the centre of a mess like this. <\/p>\n We\u2019re only here for the main event: seeing Brook get scolded by the experts and punished with a lifetime of modelling unflattering outfits in the Best & Less catalogue. <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m extremely sorry for my actions last night. I feel so much guilt and regret today,\u201d she says, like a high school girl being forced by the teacher to apologise to her victims. <\/p>\n She then tries to take some stink off herself by reminding everyone of her husband Chris\u2019 misogynistic and fatphobic remarks<\/a>. <\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s things and actions Chris has done that I can\u2019t move past,\u201d she insists, clutching her pearls. <\/p>\n Girl. After last night, Chris is an angel. A fatphobic angel. But still an angel by comparison.<\/p>\n Finally, expert Mel Schilling jumps in to deliver an Aaron Sorkin-style monologue that zones in on the contradiction that has been frustrating us all week. <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna share an observation with you, Brook,\u201d she begins. \u201cYou had a problem with how Chris spoke about women in his audition video. I\u2019m reflecting on last night and the way YOU spoke to women.\u201d<\/p>\n Brook cuts her off. \u201cI\u2019ve taken full accountability.\u201d<\/p>\n Mel ignores her and powers on. \u201cCan you see how that\u2019s a little bit at odds with the attitude you\u2019re having towards Chris?\u201d<\/p>\n Brook uses all her energy to not roll her eyes. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat while trying to bite her tongue. But she can\u2019t resist. She\u2019s not sorry. And she\u2019s dying to shirk the blame. <\/p>\n \u201cIt was a tough week and I wasn\u2019t feeling myself,\u201d she snips. <\/p>\n Then Mel builds up to her crescendo: \u201cI\u2019ve gotta say, in all my years working on Married At First Sight, I have never experienced a woman being so vicious towards other women. It was relentless. And to continue doing that for several hours without barely taking a breath, it was vicious.\u201d<\/p>\n The camera cuts to Brook. \u201cHmm,\u201d she grunts. Then? Without acknowledging anything that has just been said, she stands up. <\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna go to the toilet,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n She teeters out of the room. Time passes slowly. Everyone waits. And waits. The experts grow impatient and start walking around the warehouse, sharing irritated mumbles with the crew. <\/p>\n Suddenly, John Aiken gets an urgent update. He returns to the couch and leans over to Mel Schilling, muttering something in her ear. <\/p>\n \u201cBrook\u2019s bailed,\u201d he says, barely hiding his disdain. \u201cShe\u2019s not coming back. She has decided to do a runner.\u201d<\/p>\n And just like that, Brook \u2013 along with her bad attitude and dreams of a modelling career \u2013 are flushed down the toilet. <\/p>\n Facebook: @hellojamesweir<\/a><\/p>\n