The phone call came in mid-2016. \u201cI\u2019ve got cancer,\u201d the old woman announced. Kathy*, a small business consultant, lived in Sydney. Her widowed mother, then in her 80s, lived in a large regional town four hours\u2019 drive away.<\/p>\n
For the next five years, Kathy became her mother\u2019s drive-in, drive-out carer, clocking up thousands of kilometres on her odometer.<\/p>\n
One of her two sisters contributed some assistance but it was Kathy who slept in hospital beside her mother through various admissions. It was Kathy who took over her mother\u2019s finances and the burden of keeping her in her large two-storey home as she became frailer and sicker.<\/p>\n
But there was no loving mother-daughter relationship to buttress the load.<\/p>\n
\u201cA friend of mine said to me, \u2018you just keep going back for more punishment\u2019,\u201d Kathy says. \u201cBut I didn\u2019t actually see it like that; I didn\u2019t see it as a duty but as a kindness.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kathy\u2019s kindness is striking: from the time she was a child, her capricious mother\u2019s weapons of choice were a cruel tongue and extended silences. \u201cIt was always unstable ground, it was always criticism and undermining,\u201d Kathy says. For some years before her mother became ill, Kathy had disconnected herself from her family. \u201cThere was very little communication.\u201d<\/p>\n
Now, looking back on the years she cared for her mother, who died in 2022, Kathy feels exhausted. \u201cIt\u2019s not that I enjoyed doing it; it was something I thought was the right thing to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
double quotation markWe carry this assumption that caring for your parents is the most normal, safe dynamic but this paints over instances of often decades-long abuseEmma Kirby, UNSW<\/p>\n
Caring for ageing parents is difficult in the best circumstances \u2013 when relationships are loving and siblings are collaborative. But for those who have had complicated relationships with their parents, especially those characterised by abuse, trauma or periods of estrangement \u2013 or simply a feeling that you weren\u2019t very well cared for yourself \u2013 it can be far more complex.<\/p>\n
\u201cA lot of people find it difficult at the best of times to come to terms with their parents\u2019 frailty and needs but when you add to that relationship difficulties, or perhaps the parents never accepted that person\u2019s choice of partner or their sexuality or their decisions in life or how they use their money, all those kind of things can come up and create additional tensions,\u201d says UNSW Sydney professor of sociology Emma Kirby.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe carry this assumption that caring for your parents is the most normal, safe dynamic but this paints over instances of often decades-long abuse.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kirby has also seen situations in which elderly parents suffering cognitive impairments will become perpetrators of abuse, either for the first time, or by rekindling old behaviours.<\/p>\n
\u201cDifferent forms of cognitive impairment, dementia, Alzheimer\u2019s, different illnesses and diseases and frailties, manifest in very complicated ways over time and that can play out in anger, in resentment, in frustration, that often the carers have to bear the brunt of,\u201d Kirby says. On a handful of occasions she\u2019s seen an elderly person\u2019s frustrations about their decline and their need for care play out in physical expressions of anger.<\/p>\n
The adult child might simultaneously have to manage significant abuse, provide close personal care and navigate emotional issues dating back to childhood or adolescence, she says. \u201cThere\u2019s a lot of reliving of old triggers and traumas and old arguments or positioning or repositioning, which is really difficult.\u201d<\/p>\n
Only in recent years has Helen*, an obstetrician, come to understand that elements of her upbringing were abusive. Her parents gave her scant attention while her bullying older brother was the golden child. \u201cEvery day for as long as I can remember, he told me how fat, stupid and ugly I was. He hit me a lot as well. When I told my mother, she said, \u2018you\u2019re too sensitive, that\u2019s what brothers do\u2019. My mum doesn\u2019t do emotions, she\u2019s not affectionate.\u201d<\/p>\n
Even now, on the rare occasions the family is together, Helen says her brother derides her and her father criticises her.<\/p>\n
Helen has tried establishing boundaries but it\u2019s not easy. She lives near her parents, who are in their late 70s and still in their own home. Her father\u2019s mobility has declined and he is becoming increasingly moody and aggressive \u2013 she sees signs of frontotemporal dementia \u2013 while her mother has emphysema and is likely to soon need oxygen. Helen helps with house maintenance and takes them to medical appointments.<\/p>\n
Jobs come up interstate that she would consider but her parents\u2019 needs are increasing. \u201cI can\u2019t leave them, I love them, they did the best they could \u2026 they didn\u2019t set out to be shitty parents,\u201d says Helen, who is single and without a strong support network. \u201cBut it\u2019s complicated, they really did some fucking damage.\u201d<\/p>\n