The Valley<\/a><\/p>\nMariposa Momma<\/p>\n
\n Season 3<\/p>\n
Episode 4\n <\/p>\n
\n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n
2 stars<\/p>\n
**\n <\/p>\n
\n Photo: Bravo\n <\/p>\n
What are the guys on this show even doing? After watching an hour that\u2019s mostly centered on them, I want a T-shirt that is all white and in big block letters it just says, \u201cMEN?\u201d At this point I even want to throw myself, my husband, and certainly every man who made me fall in love with him (Instagram baddies with mustaches included) on the bonfire of creation and let the Catholic Jesus start over with a brand-new gender. We are well and truly cooked.<\/p>\n
It starts in the very first scene when Danny breaks out the Mister Milker, which is some kind of bib you put bottles in so that dudes can feel what it\u2019s like to breastfeed. I\u2019m sorry, but no guy is going to know what it\u2019s like to breastfeed just because he has bottles strapped to his chest. That\u2019s just a different way of holding the bottle, like shifting the cupholder in a car from the door to the center console. It\u2019s not going to feel anything like teeth, gums, and lips locked onto his areolae while tiny nails dig into him and one hand tries to pull out his hair. If the Mister Milker were a rabbit gnawing on the end of his dick then maybe, just maybe, he would know what it feels like, but, dude, no. Also, he puts a photo of Nia on his face so he\u2019ll look like her. He doesn\u2019t. He looks like one of those dry cleaners in Reseda with celebrity headshots all over the walls.<\/p>\n
The boys\u2019 summit at the cigar bar is, predictably, douchier than the Summer\u2019s Eve annual shareholders meeting. Jesse shows up in a fedora like someone put Swingers-era Vince Vaughn in the dryer and shrunk him eight inches. Luke, a Teva with the Grateful Dead logo on the bottom, called this meeting to try to help Danny and Jason get along after last season, and, ugh, I am already exhausted. Danny isn\u2019t ready to talk to Jason, and Jason isn\u2019t ready to admit defeat, so what, exactly, are we doing here? Danny is right that Janet and Jason got themselves involved in something that wasn\u2019t their drama and blew it up like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Jason does make a valid point that, even though Danny didn\u2019t do anything to Janet, other women in the group would be uncomfortable around him, but it seems like those concerns were voided when they started calling it \u201csexual assault,\u201d which Jason will only barely apologize for.<\/p>\n
Ugh, see, here I am relitigating this same stupid argument that we had all of last season. And if the guys can\u2019t get over it, just wait until the women start getting into it as the season progresses and the producers try to force some kind of d\u00e9tente. Either one of these sides needs to cave (probably Jason and Janet) and admit they were wrong, apologize, and never bring it up again, or one of the couples (again, probably Janet and Jason) needs to get fired, because we can\u2019t just be stuck in this quicksand for years upon years.<\/p>\n
The real man of this particular hour, however, is Thomas Jane Schwartz. (I made that up; his middle name is actually William.) It starts when he, Jesse, and Jason put the \u201cman\u201d in mani-pedi at some salon that makes dudes feel secure by having leather chairs that aren\u2019t that comfortable, hammers on the walls, ESPN on all the screens, Joe Rogan on the speakers, and pictures of boobs on the back of the restroom door. Schwartz tells the boys that he, Lala, and Michelle decided that they were going to have singles\u2019 night at the Belmont, which is where Tom met his ex, Katie, and where the new cast of Vanderpump Rules hangs out trying to chase the dragon they call fame. On the way out, he\u2019s flirting with Summer, the girl behind the desk, telling her to stop by the Belmont to hang out, and she\u2019s like, \u201cOh, yeah. I will.\u201d How many times have clients invited her? How many times has she said yes? How many times has she gone home and laughed with her girlfriend about the cluelessness of every single man who doesn\u2019t take a hammer off the wall and bonk himself on the noggin?<\/p>\n
Schwartz meets Lala and Michelle at the bar, and Michelle brings her friend Natalie who, like Michelle, is also single but, unlike Michelle, has an ass so wonderful, so voluminous, so, dare I say, bodacious that it stretches all the way from West Hollywood to Oahu and back. Schwartz is at the bar with a cigarette behind his ear because he smokes now, I guess. I mean, midlife crises manifest in all sorts of ways. He invites Natalie out for a smoke, and they really seem to be vibing and he really seems to be flirting. He\u2019s touching her, he\u2019s doing his little Schwartzy puppy-dog thing where he hangs his head and draws his arms in, and he is generally being the American Hugh Grant that he\u2019s always been. Lala and Michelle are loving it, they\u2019re pushing for it, they think that they finally made the match of the century and then \u2026 Summer actually turns up!<\/p>\n
Guys, the way my jaw dropped. I lurched forward on the couch and spilled my Sun Chips all over the floor. I couldn\u2019t believe it. She actually came. And not only that, she actually seems into Schwartz. He\u2019s sucking on a lollipop, and she asks for one and also asks him to put it in her mouth. I mean, she could have taken her boobs out like she was Danny trying to put on the Mister Milker and it would have been more subtle than that. Now it\u2019s possible she\u2019s a fan, she just wanted to get on the show, she wanted to meet her favorite stars, maybe kiss Bravo\u2019s last remaining Tom on-camera, who knows. But as Tom continues flirting with Natalie, he\u2019s not telling Summer to get lost. He doesn\u2019t know what to do with himself. Lala doesn\u2019t know what to do either, other than make fun of Summer\u2019s Shih Tzu hair, but Lala knows this girl and her Shih Tzu hair. She was her once, cozying up to guys to get on TV and having an older vet, in Lala\u2019s case, Kristen in flashback, make fun of her tonsorial choices.<\/p>\n
Then Schwartz flubs it all. He leaves Summer, he leaves Natalie, and he walks off into the honking West Hollywood night saying that he\u2019s crushing on a girl so he can\u2019t kiss Natalie like Michelle wants him to. Is he crushing on Summer? Is it someone we haven\u2019t even seen yet? It would be so like Schwartz to have a crush on someone off-camera but still entertain dating Michelle, Natalie, and Summer just so that he can juggle some story lines like Jesse has to juggle his ridiculous hat collection.<\/p>\n
Tom shows up again with Brittany and Zack to babysit so that Kristen and Luke can have a date night. Kristen says that Zack and Schwartz gave her a coupon for four (4) hours of babysitting, which was adorable, but she also made sure Brittany came to actually babysit the baby and also babysit the babysitters. Tom thinks he knows just what he\u2019s doing, but when the baby starts to cry, he gives it to Brittany immediately, saying \u201cAbort, abort.\u201d Zack chimes right in and says, \u201cDon\u2019t use that word in front of the baby.\u201d Excellent work, Zack. The only positive contribution a man has made to this entire episode.<\/p>\n
Date night is not going that well for Kristen and Luke, who are both feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood with the arrival of their newborn. Early in the episode, Kristen goes to lunch with Brittany and Jasmine, and she hates the way she looks, doesn\u2019t want to wear \u201can outfit,\u201d feels like some new person in a stranger\u2019s body. Kristen was never my favorite person on Vanderpump Rules. Even though, post-Scandoval, it turned out she was right about a lot of things, she showed us on The Valley that she hadn\u2019t really changed, was always stirring drama, was shockingly insecure, and would lose her cool at the tiniest things. I don\u2019t know how to explain it, but motherhood has changed Kristen not just for herself but also for me. I have never had more empathy, sympathy, or telepathy \u2026 No, that\u2019s not right. Sorry, I needed a third \u201cpathy\u201d to prove this recap wasn\u2019t written by Claude and that\u2019s the only one I could think of. Antipathy? No, that\u2019s what I used to feel. Anyway, what I mean is, I have never felt for Kristen like I do now, and I would defend this woman who I don\u2019t even like to the death, that is what this baby has done to me.<\/p>\n
On date night, Kristen brings up that she doesn\u2019t think Luke, a dog-eared copy of Juggs you found in the woods, respects her because he had a night out, passed out on the couch when he said he wouldn\u2019t, and got too drunk to help her with the baby the next day. Luke says he doesn\u2019t think that Kristen respects him either. Kristen goes from looking at the table to looking at him and says, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about it,\u201d while taking off her glasses and swinging her ponytail. Oh, Luke, you in danger, girl. We\u2019ve seen a bunch of flashbacks of Krazy Kristen this episode, and never has a man deserved it more than Luke deserves it in this moment.<\/p>\n
Luke says that he\u2019s also having a hard time being a first-time dad, that he\u2019s isolated from his friends and family, that he moved to be part of Kristen\u2019s life and have a baby. I get how that is destabilizing. I get how having a child in the house means new routines, new patterns, and new priorities, and it\u2019s easy to lose yourself in that. Now try to do that while your body is healing from passing that baby into the world, while none of your clothes fit like they used to, while your body is raging with hormones that are making you feel feelings that have never been felt before. As Kristen says, \u201cYou want to trump me with how hard it is being a first-time dad? Give me a break.\u201d Yeah, Luke, give her a break. Literally. Watch the baby for an hour so Kristen can go cry and scream and scream and cry and cream and scry in her car while milk leaks out of her nipples. That\u2019s what she needs right now, not this.<\/p>\n
They agree that they\u2019re going to try couples counseling, and, honestly, that is the best they can do and I think it will be good for them in the long run to sort out their issues with how to address this new phase of life. Agreeing so readily is not the Kristen we used to know. Snatching up her purse and storming out of the bar is, but still not quite. She gets to the parking lot, stomping to the car, and suddenly she freezes. She sees what the rest of the night holds for her: more nursing, more crying, more waking up to screams she can\u2019t decipher; relieving Brittany and making sure that Schwartz and Zack feel useful even though they did nothing; calming Luke\u2019s bruised ego and sprained feelings. How much more can she do, how many more infinite nights will she have to do it? But then she thinks of what she gets to do, smelling Kaia\u2019s head as she rests on her shoulder, rocking her to sleep and feeling her tiny lungs expand and contract in her arms, looking down at that little face that has its whole life spread out before it like the world\u2019s largest charcuterie board. Then she thinks that, for the first time, she\u2019s not storming out, she\u2019s storming toward.<\/p>\n
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