When is an apology not an apology?<\/p>\n
It might start out looking like one.<\/p>\n
It might contain all the right words like “regret” and “taking accountability”. The person apologising might be owning their share of one of the most consequential moments of our times, and they might even look a fair bit miserable about it.<\/p>\n
But, I’m afraid, that doesn’t quite cut for me.<\/p>\n
I’m rather old school.<\/p>\n
You can keep all your fancy words, your saucer-eyed anguish; if I’m not seeing intestines cut from your belly and poured out on the ground before you, or the flesh of your back flagellated, cross-hatched and bleeding, I don’t believe it.<\/p>\n
Apology, sure \u2014 but make it medieval and, dammit, make it work.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Tucker Carlson campaigned powerfully for Trump, mocked and ridiculed his critics, rallied people to his cause on his very powerful platform. (AP:\u00a0Seth Wenig)<\/p>\n
Something has happened recently to the act of publicly saying sorry, and I mean apart from the fact that we are suddenly getting an unexpected rush of them.<\/p>\n
We’ve just heard a major mea culpa from one of Donald Trump\u2019s most impervious champions, the broadcaster Tucker Carlson, and his speechwriting brother, as they accepted blame for the place the world finds itself in because of Trump\u2019s presidency.<\/p>\n
In a very different key, a high-profile reality TV contestant has also gone the big sorry about misogynistic stuff he said directly to a camera, while sober, upright, in daylight and with a knowing leer on his face.<\/p>\n
But don’t worry. He’s now really sorry.<\/p>\n
We’re all wearingly familiar with the generic non-apology: the one forced from the transgressor as a Hail Mary to save a floundering career; or the qualified “sorry IF I hurt you” apology and the like \u2014 the meagre crumbs of self-abnegation that ego and id will reluctantly serve up.<\/p>\n
But there’s almost something weaponised about the contemporary apology, as abject and complete as it seems to be, and perversely the social media culture that aims to teach self-awareness and accountability might just be responsible for it.<\/p>\n
‘It was not intentional’<\/p>\n
Let’s look at the language of Carlson’s apology and consider what exactly he said he was apologising for.<\/p>\n
On his podcast with his brother this week, Carlson said: “It’s not enough to say, ‘Well, I changed my mind,’ or ‘Oh, this is bad, I’m out.’<\/p>\n
“In very small ways, but in real ways, you and me and millions of people like us are the reason this is happening right now, so I do think it’s like a moment to wrestle with our own consciences. You know, we’ll be tormented by it for a long time. I will be, and I want to say I’m sorry for misleading people, and it was not intentional.”<\/p>\n
I’ve italicised those words myself. I’ll come back to them.<\/p>\n
Sign up for Weekend Reads in your inbox<\/a><\/p>\n Start your weekend with the best of the ABC’s journalism, presented by Virginia Trioli. Discover compelling features, big ideas and revealing analysis to understand the stories that matter to Australians.<\/p>\n Carlson’s relationship with Trump has been bumpy over the decades, but his active public backing has been especially visible and unequivocal from Trump’s post-2022 comeback through the 2024 campaign and into 2025\u201326.<\/p>\n He has intimate knowledge of the man, his character, his choices, his frailties, his tendencies and, like anyone else who had eyes and ears, Tucker would have heard precisely what Trump said he wanted to do if he won office again.<\/p>\n So, I am left wondering: just what is this apology for?<\/p>\n Carlson campaigned powerfully for Trump, mocked and ridiculed his critics, rallied people to his cause on his very powerful platform.<\/p>\n When he says it was not my intention \u2014 the grown-up version of the six-year-old mumble, “didn’t mean it, mum” \u2014 then what exactly did he intend when he decided to throw his lot in with the man who was the central political instigator and beneficiary of the January 6 uprising?<\/p>\n What else could he possibly have intended other than helping a leader and a man like that get elected?<\/p>\n Is he sorry that\u2026 he feels bad about it? And wants to make that bad feeling to go away?<\/p>\n Just saying ‘sorry’ doesn’t fix it<\/p>\n Anyone on social media could tell you what’s happening here, as the language and approach seems to come straight from the “accountability” culture that popular relationship and psychology accounts have made so familiar.<\/p>\n Hugely popular accounts by people like Esther Perel or Jillian Turecki have made the notion of “owning” accountability for decisions or outcomes a commonly understood and now well-used ploy for signalling self-awareness and growth \u2014 but like the quick-form media in which it’s delivered, understanding of it seems truncated.<\/p>\n Simply saying that you now get it, that you see the problem, that you’re sorry isn’t actually accountability.<\/p>\n Why I watch MAFS with my teenage son<\/a><\/p>\n Never was there a stronger example of \u201cdo as I say, not as they do\u201d.<\/p>\n The best example of this is the aforementioned Married At First Sight star, Danny, who played an excellent catfishing game with his partner, made degrading comments about her and other women and then, when caught, bleated that he was “taking accountability” and then wondered why people were still mad.<\/p>\n Here’s what Tucker and Danny and anyone else who’s been found out needs to understand: just saying sorry doesn’t fix it.<\/p>\n Fixing it fixes it.<\/p>\n What that could mean for someone like Carlson is, perhaps, joining the push described by podcaster and former political adviser, Anthony Scaramucci, of some Republican members of Congress to remove Trump from office using constitutional amendment 25<\/a>.<\/p>\n And for someone like Danny, it might mean maybe just shutting up and going away for a while?<\/p>\n This weekend, like so many other Australians, I’ll be remembering the life of broadcaster James Valentine, who I was so fortunate to know as a colleague over many years. He leaves lessons in how to live life well, how to connect with joy and with a sense of community and I will remind myself of the importance of holding that faith.<\/p>\n