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\n This column originally appeared in Brian Moylan\u2019s newsletter, The Housewives Institute Bulletin.\u00a0Sign up here<\/a>\u00a0to be the first to read the next edition.\n <\/p>\n \n We call our shots on which ladies from The Real Housewives of Rhode Island will become lasting figures in the Bravoverse. Since the fifth episode of The Real Housewives of Rhode Island aired this past Sunday (and what an amazing, five-star episode it was<\/a>), by the power vested in me by the Eileen Davidson Accords of 2014, I can now judge this whole new crop of women. It\u2019s not often that we get to do this all in one go, and it\u2019s certainly not that often that I judge them all [bangs gavel] to be utterly delightful, except for maybe Rulla. Case dismissed [bangs gavel]. Since saying they\u2019re all amazing is boring, I\u2019m going to tell you why each of them is amazing and their projected longevity in this group. Because their associations are actually very tight, it\u2019s a bit like a wobbly Jenga tower: Take away one and the whole enterprise could topple. But let\u2019s rank them on who is going the distance and whose clam could be shut sooner.<\/p>\n While the bonds among this crew are strong and infinite (just ask Alicia\u2019s high-school Spanish teacher), everything seems to flow through Jo-Ellen, particularly the tight foursome that includes her, Alicia, Liz, and Kelsey. Even those outside that group, like Rulla and Rosie, are bonded to Jo-Ellen through their strife. She also has the classic Housewives role of being the bone carrier, getting all the gossip, bringing it to the group, then deploying it to move the story line, just as she did with Rulla\u2019s husband\u2019s \u201congoing.\u201d She also has several great attributes for elite Housewifery: excellence and ease in conflict, quickness with a withering read, the ability to turn gossip into stories, and a hot husband. The only thing she\u2019s lacking is a compelling personal story line, but just wait until her sister and that hot husband get even closer. Jo-Ellen will still be on this show when the polar ice caps swallow most of the state. Because of her centrality to the group and her ease with plot mechanics, I see her future much like that of Kyle Richards\u2019s.<\/p>\n Much like Jo-Ellen, Liz is a unifying factor of the group and a little bit of the matriarch. What she has over Jo-Ellen is a more explosive temper that is likely to create tension with others in the group, as seen when she blew up at Kelsey during her Studio 54 party and when she turned on Alicia when she thought she was spreading rumors about her potential affair with Dino. Between her husband\u2019s sportfishing, selling her boat, and whatever is going on with this Dino character, the other thing she has: several compelling personal narratives. Given her adjacency to the weed business and some unsavory characters (have you Googled Dino<\/a>?), I could see this going entirely awry in future seasons. What Jo-Ellen has over Liz is that she\u2019s bringing in outside stories to the group, which is a slightly more utilitarian skill in the high-octane, late-stage Housewifery era that we\u2019re in now. With Liz\u2019s vocal tics, hilarious confessionals, huge temper, and friendliness with Dolores Catania, she is this show\u2019s Teresa Giudice, and she\u2019ll be on it as long as she keeps her nose clean.<\/p>\n Diva, icon, goddess, mother: She is every superlative that a drag queen would lay at her feet. (Alicia probably loves drag queens because they look like Bratz dolls.) She is one of a kind and the comedic engine of the show. Every episode, she has multiple perfect moments, whether it\u2019s doing the \u201cJanes Fonda\u201d workout, eating Wheat Thins out of her purse, or, most famously, talking about how she ran over a woman with the calmness that most of us have while talking about going to the Stop & Shop. Alicia hasn\u2019t engaged in much of the fighting yet, but her one dustup with Rosie showed that she is keenly aware of both conflict and its resolution, which is the name of the game with Housewives. Funny, close with everyone, not afraid to scrap when she needs to, and a true original makes Alicia more like NeNe Leakes than anyone we\u2019ve seen in ages. She\u2019ll be around for a while. Look for her branching out to other reality shows soon.<\/p>\n She is just what every group needs: a troublemaker. Whether it\u2019s by knowing what is necessary to make the show work or just the dint of internal messiness, Rosie knows how to get a fight going, keep a fight going, then bow out in tears just as it gets a little too intense. She\u2019s outside the core group, but that makes her unafraid to start beef with just about anyone, including Jo-Ellen for calling her out for bringing cheap wine, Kelsey for being a polygamist, and Alicia for saying that Liz has a temper. There\u2019s also a stockpile of rumors about Rosie and her husband, which, hello, future mess. Between the little-sister vibes, shading everyone no matter where she goes, jumping into a fight and easing out of it, and some very, very, very (very, very, very, very) questionable confessional looks, she\u2019s giving Ashley Darby and will be around just as long.<\/p>\n The latest in the growing Bachelor Nation\u2013to\u2013Bravo pipeline, this former crying virgin hasn\u2019t done much crying and certainly is done virgining. Ashley is the furthest removed from the core circle, not a Rhode Island native, and has been entirely outside the central conflicts. She\u2019s Rosie\u2019s main ally, and, since Rosie is one of the main antagonists, that usually translates to job security. However, instead of blindly having her girl\u2019s back, like when Kelsey came for her on the boat, she tried to figure out a way for them to get along, which is a little bit diametrically opposed to the mission of the show. Ashley\u2019s personal story line, about her (superhot) husband working too much at his failing coffee shop, isn\u2019t that original, but she gets major points for honesty (and his hotness). While it\u2019s not a glamorous part, she\u2019s the peacemaker and villain whisperer who fans will say \u201cgives nothing\u201d and will clamor for her to leave for seasons, even as she keeps showing us more and more questionable outfits, much like Gina Kirschenheiter.<\/p>\n To be the first self-professed sugar baby and open polyamorous person on Housewives is certainly a milestone, but I just don\u2019t think that Kelsey has it in her for the long haul. Her friendship with Liz, which can be volatile but also solid, is a plus, but her coming after Rosie for not posting her haircut on Instagram is the only stupid and possibly fake beef that we\u2019ve had all season. She doesn\u2019t seem long for her relationship with Big Poppa Jr. (whom I like to call Fat Daddy), and once that\u2019s over, I\u2019m not sure what is that interesting or compelling about Kelsey. Also, she\u2019s young, hot, and ambitious \u2014 is she going to want to stay in little old Rhode Island after the fame hits? I can see her dropping everything to pursue an ill-advised pop career \u00e0 la Jo De La Rosa.<\/p>\n I just don\u2019t know that Rulla has what it takes to make it. She\u2019s a bit tacked on to the cast, she\u2019s beefing with main connector Jo-Ellen, and she doesn\u2019t seem especially interesting, dynamic, funny, or surprising \u2014 all things that we want from our Housewives. There\u2019s certainly juice in her relationship with her terrible husband, Brian, a sock without a foot, and his very blatant cheating, but I have a feeling she\u2019s not going to stick around much longer after that, either because she doesn\u2019t like the attention or the possible hatred from fans, much like Camille Grammer. But like Camille, I can also see her showing up at parties to say one bitchy thing a season.<\/p>\n Sign up for the Housewives Institute Bulletin<\/p>\n Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.<\/p>\n Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice<\/p>\n
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