{"id":772517,"date":"2026-07-01T17:19:24","date_gmt":"2026-07-01T17:19:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/772517\/"},"modified":"2026-07-01T17:19:24","modified_gmt":"2026-07-01T17:19:24","slug":"women-on-being-in-a-sexless-marriage-and-tips-for-reconnecting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/772517\/","title":{"rendered":"Women on being in a sexless marriage and tips for reconnecting"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ellen would love to be having more sex with her husband.<\/p>\n

The 36-year-old mother of three young children living in regional NSW says they have great sex \u2014 but only once or twice a year.<\/p>\n

“I feel like we need to sort this out because it seems like a waste to have two people who love each other and are compatible, and have great sex, to just not ever have sex,” Ellen, not her real name, says.<\/p>\n

The couple “couldn’t get enough of each other” in the early days, explains Ellen, but work, money and caregiving get in the way of romance, especially for her husband.<\/p>\n

“It’s definitely stress-related because the times that we have come together and had really great sex in recent years have tended to be when we’ve been away on holiday.”<\/p>\n

While many women in long-term heteronormative relationships lose interest in sex earlier than their male partners<\/a>, there are women like Ellen who are desperate to get it back on track.<\/p>\n

Sex therapist Georgia Grace says it’s common for one or both parties in a long-term relationship to become dissatisfied with their sex life.<\/p>\n

She says the mental load <\/a>and day-to-day responsibilities of life just aren’t very sexy, and to prioritise eroticism and intimacy, both people in the relationship need to be invested to make a change.<\/p>\n

Yumi Stynes, host of ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk, sat down with women to hear about how a lack of sex is impacting their relationship, and ways they’re trying to spice things up.<\/p>\n

Can relationships survive without sex?<\/a><\/p>\n

Whether it’s no sex or infrequent sex over an extended period, a lack of intimacy in relationships is “more common than many think”, experts say.<\/p>\n

‘My ideal would be once or twice a week’<\/p>\n

Ellen, 36, regional NSW<\/p>\n

I feel a little frustrated and disappointed because I would definitely like to have more sex.<\/p>\n

Occasionally we do \u2026 about once a year, once every six months.<\/p>\n

I’ve done the cute outfits, made costumes. I’ve done the adult board games.<\/p>\n

My husband really liked the idea of it, and we had a night when the kids weren’t there \u2014 they stayed at their grandparents’.<\/p>\n

But he ended up working late, and it didn’t really happen.<\/p>\n

He’s got this busy corporate job, he feels like he needs to excel at that.<\/p>\n

That’s the most important [thing to him], because then he’s provided for us. Then we can retire and our kids won’t have to stress about money and he can look after his parents if he needs to.<\/p>\n

I liked being wanted [early in our relationship]. Now I guess I don’t feel that I’m really wanted, [or that] I’m sexy.<\/p>\n

Listen to the episode<\/a><\/p>\n

Yumi Stynes meets women who are trying to wriggle free from a sex rut and carve out time for more and better sex. Plus, sex therapist Georgia Grace shares advice on how to bring sexual intimacy back into the bedroom.<\/p>\n

I’ve tried to talk to him about why this drought is happening.<\/p>\n

He will say, ‘I’m so attracted to you’, and I’m saying ‘I’m so attracted to you’, and we both agree that we should have more sex.<\/p>\n

And then there’s no practical step.<\/p>\n

My ideal would be sex once or twice a week. That would be amazing.<\/p>\n

As long as we are connected and responding to each other’s needs. Even if it’s not an orgasm, just that intimate touching and closeness.<\/p>\n

I do think there’s something about the art of compartmentalising that you need to do a little bit of.<\/p>\n

I’m wondering how I can help him with that \u2026 because it’s just become this cone of silence in a very, very deep, committed relationship.<\/p>\n

‘Our sex life is non-existent’<\/p>\n

Alice (not her real name), 41, Sydney\/Gadigal Country<\/p>\n

\"couple<\/p>\n

To prioritise eroticism and intimacy, sex therapist Georgia Grace says both people in the relationship need to be invested to make a change. (Pexels)<\/p>\n

I’m not in an unhappy marriage, but I could be in a much healthier marriage.<\/p>\n

Our sex life is non-existent.<\/p>\n

I can remember the way my husband used to look at me, and it was like in awe.<\/p>\n

I could tell how much he liked me and loved me.<\/p>\n

He used to hug me more and hold my hand. Or just say silly things or send silly messages during the day.<\/p>\n

I think we’re both usually really burnt out by the end of the day.<\/p>\n

If my husband has a very, very stressful day, to quiet his mind he’ll play games on his phone or sometimes on the PC with friends online.<\/p>\n

A year ago, I booked a stay in the city because I wanted to be alone with him.<\/p>\n

It had been three years since we’d had sex.<\/p>\n

Both my kids have a lot of needs, so it’s not as easy as just dropping them off at someone’s place.<\/p>\n

But Mum and Dad were kind enough to say, ‘We can do it. It’s just one night, it’ll be all right.’<\/p>\n

It worked, but I can’t keep booking nights in the city.<\/p>\n

I don’t think he realises that I don’t just want foreplay and then sex. I want to be desired. I want to feel like I’m loved.<\/p>\n

I want to feel like he’s looking at me and thinking positive things about me.<\/p>\n

He’s the only person I want to have sex with. He’s the only person I want to be intimate with.<\/p>\n

How to get out of the rut<\/p>\n

If, like Ellen and Alice, you are stuck in a sex rut, Ms Grace says start by reducing your phone use, because it could be interrupting your opportunity for connection.<\/p>\n

For example, she says most people have their phones near them at bed, and it’s the last thing they look at before it’s time to sleep.<\/p>\n

It can feel “impossible” for someone to switch from the hyper stimulation of being on their phone to connecting sexually and being present in the moment, Ms Grace says.<\/p>\n

The four stages of the mental load<\/a><\/p>\n

While research has found mothers do more in all four stages of cognitive labour, there was one stage where men were more active than others.<\/p>\n

Couples also need to be willing to do things differently.<\/p>\n

“Taking responsibility for your sex life includes getting across how you and your partner like to approach sex, and to ask each other how,” Ms Grace says.<\/p>\n

For example, “Would you like me to initiate sex with you? What ways do you want me to move towards you?”<\/p>\n

She says great conversations about sex start with better questions.<\/p>\n

“The best sexual partners are curious partners, because a curious partner says, ‘I don’t know more about your body than you’.<\/p>\n

“I’m curious about this stage of life you’re in. I’m curious about my own body.”<\/p>\n

That can allow people to move away from the performance and sexual script we learn from TV and movies, Ms Grace says.<\/p>\n

“There’s this idea that 20-year-olds are having the best sex \u2026 but many people in their 70s and above are having really great sex because they’ve learned some skills and they’re staying curious.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Ellen would love to be having more sex with her husband. The 36-year-old mother of three young children…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":772518,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[43,84983,2581,44,3637,23347,366879,366880,41,39,42,40,12632,366882,366881],"class_list":["post-772517","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-headlines","tag-headlines","tag-intimacy","tag-marriage","tag-news","tag-relationships","tag-sex","tag-sex-life","tag-sexless-marriage","tag-top-news","tag-top-stories","tag-topnews","tag-topstories","tag-women","tag-women-and-relationships","tag-women-in-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/772517","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=772517"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/772517\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/772518"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=772517"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=772517"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/au\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=772517"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}