Sign up to our newsletter<\/a><\/p>\nAlthough celebrities are increasingly vocal about the uncomfortable shifts many women experience during menopause, sex drive remains one of the last taboos. Perhaps it\u2019s because no one really knows how much sex everyone is having, and there\u2019s a natural tendency tothink they\u2019re having more. What\u2019s more, experts agree there\u2019s no \u2018normal\u2019 level of sexual desire and low libido itself isn\u2019t quantifiable.<\/p>\n
There are statistics, however. According to a 2022 Flinders University study of more than 20,000 Australians aged between 16 and 69, a whopping 52 per cent of women reported a lack of interest in sex, versus just 28 per cent of men. \u201cWe\u2019ve been measuring women\u2019s sexuality against a male template for a hundred years,\u201d says Melbourne-based GP and the founder of The Menopause Clinic, Dr Fatima Khan. \u201cWhen a woman doesn\u2019t think about sex spontaneously the way her partner does, she\u2019s told her libido is broken. It isn\u2019t broken, it\u2019s wired differently.\u201d For years, Khan has seen a steady stream of patients in her Victorian clinics who present a type of sex drive common to women that\u2019s known as \u2018responsive desire\u2019. This means they experience cravings for sex only once they\u2019re physically intimate. \u201cSo a desire emerges after arousal begins, meaning you need to be in an environment where the [sexual] thoughts are there and you physically have some arousal and then you want to have sex,\u201d says Khan.<\/p>\n
By contrast, she says 70 to 80 per cent of men experience spontaneous desire. \u201cGenerally speaking, for men, sexual desire is context-resistant, meaning your environment or your surroundings don\u2019t impact it,\u201d she says. \u201cThey will just have this drive which comes out of the blue.\u201d As psychologist and relationship counsellor May Soo puts it, \u201cYou feel horny: that\u2019s what you call spontaneous.\u201d For many others, there\u2019s a laundry list of biological and environmental mood-killers that make getting in the right headspace for sex increasingly challenging. Medications including selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), painkillers, the contraceptive pill, beta-blockers and even antihistamines, as well as chronic conditions like arthritis and depression, can lower libido.<\/p>\n
Then there\u2019s the other M-word, menopause, which can be the first time many women recognise a slump in sex drive. \u201cI guess women don\u2019t go up to a doctor saying, \u2018I have low libido\u2019 because there\u2019s so much happening in that 40 to 50 [age bracket],\u201d says Khan. \u201cWhat women are actually presenting with originally is the signs of perimenopause. So sleep disturbance, mood disturbance, fatigue, and then you\u2019ve got the environmental stresses of full-time careers, young kids and caregiving. So libido is sometimes the last thing to talk about.\u201d Low libido is most often a by-product of another concern, explains endocrinologist Dr Steven Morris. \u201cAs an isolated single problem, it\u2019s unusual,\u201d he says. \u201cIt\u2019s often a sign or a pointer of something else happening.\u201d Nevertheless, its prevalence is hard to ignore. According to a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, among Australian women aged 40 to 65, almost 70 per cent report low sexual desire and nearly a third meet the criteria for hypoactive sexual desire dysfunction, a disorder characterised by a persistent lack of interest in sex.<\/p>\n
Numbers like these are what have driven researchers at Monash University to better understand women\u2019s hormones, sexual health and the role naturally occurring hormones like oestrogen and testosterone play when it comes to sexual wellbeing. While oestrogen plummets once women stop having periods, testosterone\u2014which is produced primarily by the ovaries and adrenal glands\u2014peaks in women in their 20s, then slowly starts to wane. \u201cBy 35, it\u2019s pretty low and by menopause, you only have half the amount that you had in your 20s,\u201d says Khan. \u201cThe most vulnerable time for couples is this transition to perimenopause for women, because wehave a biological transition happening with fluctuating oestrogen, declining testosterone, and then you have the mental load and the demands of life.\u201d<\/p>\n
Taking into account individual circumstances, doctors may, in some cases, consider hormone-based treatments. However, experts emphasise this is only one part of a complex picture. \u201cAnecdotally, I\u2019ve got women with very low testosterone and they have really high desire [for sex],\u201d Khan says, \u201cand we have women with excellent testosterone levels\u2014top of the range\u2014who have very poor libido and, despite replacing testosterone, they continue to have low libido because we can\u2019t just address the biological mechanisms for women; we\u2019ve got to address the psychology aspect of it as well. It\u2019s not a magic wand. It works best aspart of a comprehensive approach, and only when the evidence supports its use.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fashion designer Pip Edwards was just 39 when she had a hot flush while watching her son\u2019s basketball game. Despite experiencing symptoms including night sweats, interrupted sleep and body aches for months, the P.E Nation co-founder was shocked to learn she\u2019d entered perimenopause before her 40th birthday. Edwards is now an advocate for women\u2019s reproductive health and a shareholder in the menopause supplement company Biolae. \u201cOne thing I\u2019ve realised through becoming involved is that women have become very good at quietly tolerating things they shouldn\u2019t have to,\u201d she says. \u201cWe\u2019ve become more comfortable talking about symptoms like hot flushes and sleep, but symptoms that impact intimacy, libido and vaginal health can still feel much harder to discuss, despite often having a huge impact on confidence, relationships and quality of life. Each woman\u2019s experience is unique and personal. Whilst I havehad some of the common menopause symptoms, I actually haven\u2019t personally experienced a drop in libido.\u201d Hormonal shifts aside, it\u2019s normal for sex drives to seesaw, especially in long-term relationships. About half the couples Soo sees at her Sydney clinic are navigating a common issue known as desire discrepancy, meaning the sex drive of two people in a relationship has become misaligned. \u201cWho has matching bookends when it comes to sex? Every person is different. I think if we\u2019re waiting to meet someone with almost matching libidos, we\u2019re going to be waiting forever,\u201d says Soo. \u201cThe mismatch is inevitable at some stage \u2013 that\u2019s not the problem. The problem is when these unhelpful behavioural patterns start to set in.\u201dAmong them is the \u2018pursuer-distancer\u2019 dynamic, whereby one party in the relationship is constantly pursuing the other for sex, which forces their partner further away. \u201cThe more someone pursues, the more the other draws away because they\u2019re reading it as being selfish, even though the pursuer is seeking connection,\u201d says Soo.<\/p>\n
To rebuild connection, Khan suggests scheduling date nights\u2014or, more directly, diarising time for sex with your partner\u2014and creating an environment that sparks intimacy. \u201cI will say to couples, \u2018At nine o\u2019clock, [put] phones and laptops in the other room and then you don\u2019t know what to do other than to sit with your partner,\u2019\u201d she says. \u201cInstead of hugging people and holding hands, we have phones in our hands, so that\u2019s quite obstructive towards touch.\u201d<\/p>\n
Communication, too, is key. \u201cTalk about what shaped your understanding of sex and your own needs for sex and sexuality,\u201d says Soo. \u201cFor a lot of women, it\u2019s actually feeling close to the person rather than the drive itself. Long-term relationships are all about teamwork. So why is sex any different?\u201d<\/p>\n
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