The most important thing you can do when someone says they are experiencing violence is to validate them, explains Alina Thomas, CEO at Engender Equality in Tasmania.<\/p>\n
“Giving some sort of reassurance and positive statement that you believe what the victim-survivor is saying, that what they said is significant. And that you care and worry about them.”<\/p>\n
She says what you say will likely influence what steps they take next.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“If they feel heard and believed and validated, it restores that little bit of self-worth and agency \u2026 which might help them see some options toward greater safety.”<\/p>\n
Ms Gehle says when we get this wrong, such as by making statements that minimise the abuse, the person may shut down.<\/p>\n
“It’s really important to maintain that conversation. Reassure them that disclosing is a really powerful thing to do.”<\/p>\n
Ms Thomas says it’s good to ask questions to get a sense of what is going on, but be mindful to not push the person beyond what they are willing to share.<\/p>\n
If the person, their children or their pets are in immediate danger, you should contact triple-0.<\/p>\n
Victim-survivors share what helped them disclose<\/a><\/p>\n Disclosing abuse can be incredibly difficult, but there are ways we can help those in our lives feel safer to share.<\/p>\n A difficult thing to share<\/p>\n Ms Thomas says it is likely that victim-survivors have been working hard for a long time to keep their family together before disclosing.<\/p>\n “Often, we really want the relationship to work, we put in a lot of effort and care, trying to problem-solve when things aren’t going well.<\/p>\n “When that isn’t working, we can feel we are to blame.”<\/p>\n As well as experiencing shame, they may fear what will happen after confiding in someone, Ms Thomas says.<\/p>\n “It’s one reason we hold onto abusive relationships for so long. It’s also why we don’t want to see abuse.<\/p>\n “Once you see abuse, you then need to think about it as a problem, and then solving it, then facing change.”<\/p>\n Ms Thomas says victim-survivors are also mindful of how their perpetrator is perceived by others, and worry people won’t believe them.<\/p>\n “You could be met with comments such as ‘Oh no, he’s a really nice guy’, or ‘If it’s been that bad, why are you still with him?'”<\/p>\n Women are nearly three times more likely<\/a> than men to experience violence from an intimate partner in Australia.<\/p>\n And statistics show men are more likely to be perpetrators<\/a>.<\/p>\n Victim-survivors may want to protect their abuser, too.<\/p>\n “There are going to be positive attributes to their partner they want to support and for others to know about,” says Ms Thomas.<\/p>\n Victim-survivors will be considering so many factors when disclosing abuse.<\/p>\n “She will be considering the perpetrator, her future, the risk to her safety \u2014 so many complex issues, and knowing providing information about what she is experiencing is incredibly risky,” Ms Gehle says.<\/p>\n “Especially if she is a mother, she is considering her children before anything else.”<\/p>\n Meet them where they are at Victim-survivors will likely worry that disclosing abuse could be a risk to their and their children’s safety. (Pexels)<\/p>\n When disclosing, the person may not always say directly they are experiencing domestic violence.<\/p>\n Ms Gehle says some victim-survivors know something is wrong, but don’t define it as abuse \u2014 especially when it’s not physical \u2014 and are looking to sense check with you.<\/p>\n “We find women are often wanting to double check with people around them if that is normal or respectful behaviour or not.”<\/p>\n Even if you identify it as abuse, she says it can be more helpful to simply validate what they are experiencing, rather than rushing to label it.<\/p>\n “Sometimes by labelling something, the victim-survivor might disengage because it’s so confronting,” explains Ms Gehle.<\/p>\n “It’s better to have a narrative of, ‘That sounds really hard, it sounds like you’re being treated unfairly, and I don’t think that’s OK. Let’s work out how I can best support you’.”<\/p>\n Providing ongoing support<\/p>\n After listening and validating, discuss how you can best provide support.<\/p>\n That will include working out a safe way to check in moving forward.<\/p>\n “The person using abusive behaviour might have a lot of control and oversight of the victim-survivor \u2014 they might be monitoring their phone, emails, tracking where their car is going,” says Ms Thomas.<\/p>\n “We need to be careful that we are not contributing in any way to raising alarm bells.”<\/p>\n She says if a perpetrator finds out the victim-survivor has spoken to someone about the abuse, the violence could escalate.<\/p>\n Suggesting they connect with specialist support services such as 1800RESPECT <\/a>is a good starting point if safe to do so, says Ms Gehle.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n